Today, my girlfriend launched her own business. I was recently laid off from my job, so I offered to be her very first employee. I now have the glamorous job of bleaching people's assholes. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my girlfriend who trained me at the job we both work at received a promotion, which left a spot for advancement. I was chosen for the position, and now the guy she's been cheating on me with is training me. Congrats. FML
Today, was the first day of my new job. My boss admitted that they hadn't cleaned the employee bathroom for over two months. My first task: clean the employee bathroom. FML
Today, I finally started my dream job. I turned up for work with a huge smile on my face. Imagine how much my face dropped when I saw that I had to share an office with the girl I stood up last weekend. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I had dinner at my boss's house. Just before we were ready to eat, my girlfriend came to me with a desperate look in her eyes. Apparently, she took a dump, clogged the toilet, and it flooded. I took the hit for her, and now my boss thinks I'm a jackass. FML
Today, my girlfriend offered to wash the bathroom while I was at work. I came back home to find her feeling unwell with a bad headache. She had mixed drain cleaner with bleach because she thought it would make the bathroom cleaner. Now my entire house is a mini gas chamber. FML
Today, my very sheltered girlfriend decided to surprise me by cleaning our apartment. Although she grew up with housekeepers and maids, I thought it was common knowledge that you don’t try cleaning the bathroom with both bleach and ammonia. We still can’t go back inside our place. FML
Today, my boss fired me because his girlfriend wanted the job I had. She has no experience whatsoever in my line of work, it was just his "anniversary present" for her. FML
Today, my girlfriend left town for a month to visit family. Meanwhile, the young woman I hired at my restaurant just got back from vacation with her natural hair color restored. It’s the same color as my girlfriend’s hair, and she made a pass at me. FML
Today, I started my job as a consultant at a shop that sells wedding dresses. My first client? The girl my ex-fiancé cheated on me with and left me for. FML
Today, my workplace was issued aprons. I then became the first and only employee in the history of the business to set an apron on fire while using the grill. FML
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Top comments
mld4657 28
Didnt you get a job description first?
youloveBC 14
Well look at the bright side! You're making some money!
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Comments (72)
youloveBC 14
Well look at the bright side! You're making some money!
andrmac 25
Problem is he gets to see the dark side of people... The Anus of Humanity!
PePziNL 20
I think the problem is that OP sees a little too many bright sides these days...
crazytwinsmom 25
Brightening their vertical smile.
Dave_Davington 34
#80, as my last three ****** said to me, wrong hole.
HWICUNow 10
The cat's stewing me, the oyster's shucking me I told him, you got the right at-at but the wrong oh-oh... [John Candy, JFK]
mld4657 28
Didnt you get a job description first?
yerawizardlizzy 27
And how did OP not know what the business was? You don't just launch a business after thinking about it a couple hours. It's a long process, and it's just strange OP didn't know. At least he doesn't seem to.
annalily5 28
Particularly since it's his girlfriend. I presume she has talked to him about it. So either he was a bit of an ass and never listened, or was a bit of an ass and expected her to create a cushier position just for him.
andrmac 25
Butts are cushy!
gracehi 33
Who says he didn't know? Nothing in the FML implies that he didn't know what he was getting into--only frustration that he's had to resort to it due to his layoff.
krazy789 28
Yea I was thinking the same as you #31. I'm sure he knew but just dislikes the fact he's doing it.
mld4657 28
Yes but the way its worded sounds like he wanted something not the glory of bleaching peoples assholes
EmeraldArcher 10
Tbh I doubt anyone would want it
Brandi_Faith 34
Right, but the real question is why are people getting their butt hair bleached?!? I mean if you were doing something down there for aesthetic reasons you'd think they'd just wax it, or trim i even, but bleach? Are they hoping people will be like "oh look, that hair is so light I can barely even see it."
DoomedGemini 38
I never looked into it so I don't know, is bleaching the asshole the actual asshole or the hair...?
Steffi 26
It's lightening the anus' skin.
HeartYou101 31
**** stars get their ass hairs/****** hairs (that are in too hard places to get waxed)/gooch hairs bleached...Although, I reckon the OP's girlfriend opened a beauticians and obviously the OP isn't qualified to wax/tweeze eyebrows, give facials, do makeup, etc., so all they can do is bleach buttholes, unless they decide to do a beauty therapy course...
obvious_lee 9
Yes #8... he was a bit of an ASS to expect a TUSHIER position.
IchigoDeathGod 14
Good luck OP, you'll need it
UncleCaitlyn 21
Whatever puts food on the table, right?
sturschaedel 27
Pecunia non olet. Even the old Romans knew that.
fuckfuckityfuck 16
Sucks but it could be worse.
fuckfuckityfuck 16
The person who says that usually gets down voted. I should've sent something else
andrmac 25
Yeah it sucks, but it could more blow if they have Taco Bell the day before!
annalily5 28
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Did you not know what her business was when you asked? Did you expect to get a top tier position, that others might be better suited for, just because you two are dating? I'm having a hard time feeling bad for you when you basically got what you asked for: a job based off nepotism. Times are hard, you got a job just by asking. If you don't want it, apply to other places and let an immigrant Korean woman (to go with stereotypes) who will work for half the money take the job. Don't expect your girlfriend to pay you without you actually having to work, her business is too new for that.
psyjoniz 12
*applauds*
catherinecas 30
There's literally nothing to imply anything you just said. If I had to bleach assholes even knowing ahead of time I would still complain. It's human nature.
pear_flavored 15
Sorry that I accidentally disliked your post, but I agree.
Brandon1000 10
I find it hard to believe that OP's current wage is at least twice minimum wage, so if his girlfriend paid a Korean woman half his current wage it would be illegal.
o_k_gamer 10
Did you consider that he might of been asking for a job as a receptionist but instead has to bleach assholes??
Scarylizard1798 23
I'll always remember when I was a kid, I dreamed of being an asshole bleacher XD
PePziNL 20
You had very perculiar dreams.
Rkikkas9713 25
I hate to be that guy, but...peculiar*
milehigh52 22
#45 I could tell just by your face that you love to be that guy.
scottishoatmeal 22
I don't even (know how to complete a damn sentence)
w0nderwh4t 14
really don't know why this got down voted
ConfusedCat 11
Because it's completely irrelevant to the post.
Obito_Uchiha651 17
#47 it contributed nothing to the post it would've been better if she didn't say anything at all
Ninja_Armadillo 1
You can always just tell everyone that your job is changing people's ringtones.
Tripartita 45
I'm imagining that the OP applied for a sort of mundane assistant job and got more than they bargained for. "Alright, newbie, I take my coffee with two sugars, like my reports fresh off the printer so they're still warm, and will be needing my asshole bleached every Tuesday." "Oh, uh, if you're bleaching his asshole, could you do mine too?" "I'd also like to get in on this." "I'm requesting a Friday bleaching. You know, fresh for the weekend."
Crazyjohnb 23
All your comments are hilarious
more4me 27
Great comment, dude. Made me laugh for the first time today and it WAS such a shitty day. thanks man.
Colon_Man 17
Can you squeeze me in on Thursday?