Today, my strict Christian mother walked into my room just after I'd finished masturbating. Although dressed, I was still holding the used tissue, which she noticed. Having to think fast to disguise my deed and avoid an entire sermon, I had no option but to blow my nose with the spunky tissue. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I walked into my room and watched as my fanatically religious mother sniffed the used tissues in my trash bin to make sure I wasn't masturbating. FML
Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML
Today, I was masturbating in my bedroom, when suddenly, my mom opened the door and walked in with guests. I didn't react quick enough. FML
Today, I walked in on my mom giving my dad head. Acting like I hadn't seen anything, I asked if I could use a towel sitting on the dresser. My mom said, "No, we're going to need that one." FML
Today, I went to my cousin's communion. We arrived late and walked to the front of the church where my family was. Everyone stared and laughed but I ignored it. After the service was done, my mom came up to me and pulled a long piece of toilet paper out of my skirt. FML
Today, I was masturbating on my inflatable air mattress that squeaks when you move. Suddenly, my mom burst into my room to ask if I was okay because she thought the squeaking was me crying. I ripped my hands from my pants and turned on my side; she walked over and grabbed my hands to console me. FML
Today, I was afraid my mother had seen the bottle of hand lotion I'd forgotten to take off the desk after I'd whacked off last night, but she acted fine. I went out with friends to find she'd had changed the background to say "Please Do Not Watch Porn on the Family Computer." FML
Today, I was really sick. I had been sneezing all day and my skin had started to dry out. When my mom asked me if I needed anything, I immediately responded with "lotion and tissues," not realizing what I was suggesting. She then talked to me for 20 minutes about how "masturbation is okay." FML
Today, I was caught whacking off by my mother. She now takes every free moment of her time to read extracts from the Bible to me. FML
Today, my soon-to-be mother-in-law walked in on me masturbating, in my own house. FML
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Top comments
MooCowPlywood 9
Hopefully your nose isn't pregnant...
aforbiddendance 23
Now you (kind of) know how girls feel.
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Comments (170)
MooCowPlywood 9
Hopefully your nose isn't pregnant...
Damian95 16
There are honestly too many puns that one could use to describe this disgusting fluid to face situation.
swick25 22
Really? This is the only intelligent comment that you can think to write? And 250 of you ******* idiots thumbed up it? Wow what are you all five years old? Do you all giggle if someone says that someone is going to erect a building? grow the **** up.
muzy 23
#76- Wow... who jizzed in your cornflakes?
JustinKirby 20
OP that's not how you give a ********....
swick25 22
@ #82 Stupid people who can't think of making a comment that a 12yr old would make. That's who jizzed in my corn flakes. And its Lucky Charm's!!!!! :)
RenoTheRhino 30
#82, your profile picture would best fit #76.
swick25 22
@ #82 Stupid people who can't think of making a comment that a 12yr old would make. That's who jizzed in my corn flakes. And its Lucky Charm's!!!!! :)
TheZigg 8
This is literally the funniest FML I've ever seen...
\ 28
#76- "Thumbed up it" is awkwardly worded. It should be "thumbed it up." I was enjoying your fiery rant until your poor grammar done upsetted me.
HisAngel6511 11
#76...I giggled when I read the word erect.
happyevil 10
Haha same here... Erect :D Btw #76 (#103) no gives a crap what kind cereal you have that got jizzed in. Damn if you don't want to be nice and stop being a retard get off the site. It's optional to voice your opinion... At least make it amusing and non-bitchy.
Lacist 19
#103 "It's Lucky Charm's!!!" That makes no ******* sense what kind of stupid ******* bitch makes a terrible cereal joke that is totally irrelevant to the situation. What the **** is wrong with you, get some social awareness, what are you 12? "grow the **** up." (sarcasm)
SuperMew 22
It's what the cuttlefish do...
MooCowPlywood 9
Holy shit! My first comment ever and I have so many thumbs ups!
RenoTheRhino 30
At least she doesn't know! But, time to get washed up!
dingleberrysteve 6
she probably wouldnt figure it out regardless
aforbiddendance 23
Now you (kind of) know how girls feel.
sandraw1 22
Yeah! Why do every guy expect us girls to swallow that shit when boys can't even look at it?
Kibaruto 33
Rather swallow than have a face full.
IloveToLaugh143 21
So you'd rather have it inside you then on you where you can easily wash it off?
TheNewGuy03 29
13 -- in that case, it's almost like autofellatio. You're getting high off your own supply, so to speak. I like going down on a chick, but I never wanna taste my own spunk. Some people like it. To each their own...
Kibaruto 33
If it's in you it's clean, fast and sexy. Otherwise you get a mess and maybe even a stain.
rg350dx 29
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
It's because we care. It's full of proteins and we're just trying to make sure you guys are maintaining a healthy diet.
Zebediabolical 45
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
'Eat it or wear it' used to be my mantra. But now it's 'Swallow or it's going in your eye!'
martin8337 36
That and probably gay guys too.
Chris93Jones 20
# 63 69 dislikes. I think the community planned this. also, most guys aren't fond of the sight, but others like seeing it on their partner, everyone is different, hope you find the wonderful guy who wants to bust on your face instead of in your mouth I think # 2?
mattswagerty 3
Dang.. That is so gross. That would be terrible. I'm sorry OP
speakersboom 19
"umm...achoo?" "god bless you." :)
ryanfarrow 2
Oh my ******* god. This is the best FML today.
TheZigg 8
Totally!
worldclassrager 41
Always the way out...you could have grabbed a new one and then blew your nose in that one making her think you needed a second one...
justfienne 12
This...
rg350dx 29
Is...
RagingWill 17
Sparta!
ImAFaker 29
SPARTA!!!
Garagedwella 26
SPARTA!
WhisperSoflty 20
Is there an echo in here?
Arthurie 30
@95 I think so. I just found Narcissus so she can't be far behind.
lonelyguy1995 5
#85 I laughed way too hard at yoyr comment
worldclassrager 41
What is the point of this thread? Do I win a prize or something?
whatafuckup 14
I don't think she would question a tissue in your hand. Paranoid.
Epikouros 32
That's what Christian guilt does with you...
Thunderstruck14 30
You're lucky if you havent had to be around the people who will question and lecture at you for almost anything. There ARE those kinds of people out there. I doubt OP was being paranoid.
SpicyDuck 22
I don't see why you couldn't have passed it off as tissue you have a already blown hour nose into...
TheAbstract 15
People panic in those situations.
TheImaginarySong 16
I would've just shoved it my back pocket or something.
happle 21
Or just throw it away.
BillMurray_fml 12
That took some serious spunk to work up the cajones to pull it off that quickly. I applaud you, OP.
zoepie 7
At least you weren't caught right?
FangirlingAlways 14
You never know. Maybe she heard him. We need a follow up OP!