Kinky Crab

Today, I fell asleep with my hermit crab on my bed and woke up to him pinching my nipple. FML

Today, I was making breakfast with my parrot on my shoulder. He was excited about the food, and in his rush to climb down to the counter, bit through my nipple. I had to get stitches. FML

Carly Rae Jepsen

Today, I was setting up a rat trap at the kitchen table and had just gotten it set when my phone rang. I foolishly leaned over to grab my phone, brushed against the trap, and it snapped closed on my nipple. I wasn’t wearing a bra so that thing grabbed my nipple hard and didn’t let go. FML

Poor little guy

Today, I showed my family my new pet hamster. At the sight of him, my grandmother, who I had no idea hated rodents, let out a loud screech, causing my usually docile hamster to bite me and piss in my cupped hand. FML

Today, I somehow managed to slam my trumpet case closed on my nipple. FML

Red or grey?

Today, I tried to take a selfie with a squirrel and it bit me. FML

Today, I found a tick half-buried in my nipple. FML

Today, while playing with my cat, she decided to give me a surprise nipple piercing with her claws. FML

Today, at 5:30 in the morning while I was fast asleep, my cat decided the most threatening thing in my apartment that absolutely needed to be attacked was my left nipple. FML

Today, I learned that my daughter's gerbils are not afraid of the vacuum cleaner. FML