Today, my brother tried to pay me to teach him how to French-kiss, so he wouldn't screw up on his first date. I'm shocked that the weirdo managed to get a date in the first place. FML

Today, my brother offered my boyfriend $50 to dump me. Guess who's single. FML

Today, to avoid looking like a loser in front of his friends who all have girlfriends, my brother made up a perfect relationship. He asked me to give him a hickey in exchange for 50 euros. Our parents walked in on us. FML

Don't hate the player…

Today, my brother bamboozled me out of 20$. He's 12 years-old, and I'm 17. FML

Driver 8

Today, my brother got a job as an Uber driver. Now, whenever I need a ride from him, he insists I pay him money through the app. FML

Mixed signals

Today, I thought I was going on a date. About 20 minutes into it, after giving her my arm to hold (like a true gentleman) it came up in conversation that my brother is gay. Her response: "Oh, so both you and your brother are gay?" FML

Breakout

Today, I went on a date with a guy who turned out to be my older brother's friend. In the middle of the night we were drunk and got stuck in my room after the key broke inside the lock. My brother had to help my date climb out of the window. FML

The hustler

Today, my boyfriend of six months, who happened to be my first kiss, broke up with me after borrowing 120 dollars. Not twenty minutes later, he was at the bar drinking with my brothers and my dad. FML

Classy.

Today, I came home to find my brother making out with my girlfriend while taking a selfie. FML

Today, my girlfriend came over to visit me and my brother at our apartment. I left for just five minutes to fix us lunch. When I got back, she was making out with my brother. FML