Today, I was in church. After we were done praying, I quickly sat back down, accidentally crushing my testicles in the process. I squealed loudly and all but pissed my pants, earning me plenty of weird looks from the congregation. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was sitting in on a boring presentation at work. I yawned and shifted in my chair, accidentally sitting on my testicles. I shrieked in pain and spent the next five minutes choking back tears, while my boss told me to shut my mouth and stop fucking around. FML
Today, we were at church when I pulled my toddler’s hand out of his pants, and he screamed, "I WAS MAKING MY PENIS BIG!" I need a new church. FML
Today, I was in church. During the prayer, I moved my foot and it pressed against the automatic button on my umbrella causing it to suddenly open. As if that wasn't bad enough, I screamed simultaneously at the shock. FML
Today, while practicing a song in choir, I got a boner. Trying to cover it up, I tried sitting down. My choir teacher got mad and made me stand in front of the whole class. FML
Today, I ended up in the ER because I ruptured a testicle by accidentally sitting on it. Last time I ever go commando. FML
Today, I was feeling adventurous and decided to freeball it to school. As I went to sit down during first class, I managed to sit on my own balls, scream, then collapse on the floor gasping. My teacher thought I was screwing around and gave me detention. FML
Today, my right testicle popped out during gym class while we were running laps. The teacher saw it and said, “Put that away! There aren’t any balls involved in this activity!” FML
Today, at church, I sneezed suddenly and messily into my hand just as the priest asked us to stand and greet our neighbors with a handshake. FML
Today, at physical therapy, even though I was wearing underwear, when I went on the leg press machine, my balls popped out of the bottom of my shorts. A bunch of times. The therapist saw. FML
Today, I was on a stationary bike at the gym. I got into a conversation with a very attractive female gym-friend. I felt something cool "down below". I looked down and saw one of my testicles had sneaked out of a hole in my shorts, I quickly looked up only to see her staring at the same thing. FML
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Top comments
RedPillSucks 33
If you had shouted "Praise the Lord", then everything would have been OK.
Happygofucky 0
You got off lucky, for realz. If that were me I would have let out a lot more than a squeal. Something along the lines of "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK", politely demonstrated by me today when my mother dearest slammed my toe in the car door :)
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Comments (217)
instnt1nfction 17
hehehe
CatEyes66 0
Awww, my husband did that and he about cried.
tulsafml 0
I almost got mine removed. :D : D :D :D :D :D. :D :D :D :D and I ran away.
impregnator 0
I popped my left one like that. thank God for implants.
kruzito 0
JESUS CHRIST!!!!
blackbird31 0
lol church top tip: dont waste your time praying and actually go out and do something useful
tulsafml 0
^ shut the **** up and don't judge people.
prince122 0
yeah 43 **** of faith isn't a waste of time and places you go to pray help you remember that.
iTaylor 0
that's a ball buster!
bubble25_fml 5
now he knows how drag queens feel every time two sit down.
FMLoverAgain 7
hahaha ydi for going to church
DivineGarden 0
Nothing wrong with church fucktard
mikemik22 0
god isn't real
RyanMacVey 17
awww i know you dont like me but tbh your the closest to a mate that i have on here
I_iz_B_a_troll 24
hohoho
abbi96x 0
Ouchies.. :') I'm so happy to be a girl..
bobateme 0
and a little bit of hahaha?
RileyFerrari 0
YDI for going to church.
MaCOOLiT 5
get a nut bra! you couldve prevented this if your balls werent hanging all the way to your ass. LOL
Gator_Raid 0
It's funny because of 1's pic haha XD Goes with it perfectly.
Ryanfmlfiend 0
that's what happens when ur a Christian lrn2religion right nooob
nateb1tch 1
god hates you
unfortunate_13 5
lesson of the day: don't go to church!
jrsgreenfire257 0
138, i have the same cup lmao
MissBunny25 0
speaking of cups, OP should try wearing one lol.
PwnStarElite 0
yea, so you can bleed every month and not die?? **** that
m4green 3
Yeah have fun with that period
nickdunbar 8
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
ooo that suck should have been like "ooo jesus mary my testis"
tulsafml 0
your mom.
Jonny_Trump 0
23 is funnier than 4. XD
EvilPotato 15
Fail grammer
dudeitsdanny 10
Fail spelling. Now, play nice.
Person000 0
you put your phone number online? im gonna spam it on the Internet so you get a lot of calls
CraneTG 0
Should have said that the prayer was so touching that you got over excited :) "Holy pee in my pants!"
born_hustla 26
lmao. good one.
RedPillSucks 33
If you had shouted "Praise the Lord", then everything would have been OK.
Michele2luv 8
Or "Amen" and "Glory" all three wouldve been acceptable
jjuan6 0
Nice one.
DocBastard 40
After you squealed, I bet the priest asked to speak to you privately in his office.
CraneTG 0
Preist wanted to show him his very own, and private, holy cross!
Isabel312 0
hahaha. wow....
leeshxx 3
I'm reminded of a south park episode here.
Dudelike89 8
119 - Hello Children! Hey chef, what would a priest want to stick up our ass? Goodbye!
Pretty_Pink_Lady 10
I wonder if priests know how people talk about them being pedophiles. It seems like all of those comments might hinder their desire to ever become a priest in the first place.
tk_421 0
Yes, #183, they know they will be judged out of ignorance or bigotry, but choose to dedicate their lives to God regardless. That must take courage.
caitlin21holly 0
really no matter what you do you will be judge. so it doesn't take that much courage at all
missmadii 0
oh u changed ur pic again doc :P
MrCoolPants 7
I wish you could follow people in this site cuz I would follow docbastard, every1lovesbones and missbunny
straightpride 9
183 is a priest...
xXxJaGsTeRxXx 11
You should have said that you saw one of the angel statues moved. Or something like that. Haha.
sethars 0
did everyone in the congregation blink or something?
Iknoweverything 29
I noticed all the thumbs down too... I think someone is taking religion a little too seriously. If God didn't have a sense of humor, half of us wouldn't exist! (Nor would the platypus) This is one of my favorites... it also explains quite a bit. :)
bobateme 0
:) Best episode of doctor who, except maybe The Impossible Planet.
calcetines 0
Doo weeoooo Weeooooooo!!! (theme song... lol)
BWill9014 4
Tell them you're on a drug called charlie seen... and you got one speed "GO"... which prevents you from staying quiet for too long
KMilliron 2
Only Chuck Norris has taken two doses of Charlie Sheen and he still lives!!
saikanoluna 0
win^ (idc wat u say i kno chuck norris jokes are old but that was still a win)
Auntie_Christ 0
Ha!
182crazyking 9
When he crushed his balls TIGER BLOOD came out.
bucketsofglitter 0
best comment I have seen so far!
TheresNoEffingwa 7
FAIL
ChuckNorris141 0
Why does 104 and 120 have so many dislikes, that was an awesome comment
DjeePee 25
Sounds painfull. FYL.
Happygofucky 0
You got off lucky, for realz. If that were me I would have let out a lot more than a squeal. Something along the lines of "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK", politely demonstrated by me today when my mother dearest slammed my toe in the car door :)
AlienX_fml 0
lol
hunter1BOOM 0
i love you.
DeadxManxWalking 27
how?
Happygofucky 0
How did she **** up my toe? She asked me to come to the shops with her, so being the doting daughter that I am, I quickly jumped in the car with my pjs on and no shoes. When she got what she needed she opened my door to hand it to me to hold onto, shutting the door before I was ready, thus jamming my big toe. Needless to say I screamed expletives while desperately trying to open the door because she didn't notice. Maybe I have such a foul mouth she thinks it's normal for me to scream random swear words out :(
C6Racer 0
Sounds fun.
tiesto145 0
I think by How, he meant how could that have been you... as you have no testes =D
KorosuKazoku 0
How does that even happen?
wise1 1
guess no underware...
ydi_4_suking 20
you sit and land on a wrong angle thus squishing the testis
cptmorgan15 2
Wait 'til your nuts drop, then you'll see.
hunter1BOOM 0
lol
chickunkey 0
you either got some saggy nuts (and need a nut bra) or you sit at the wrong angle as stated above.
SwaggerMelon 6
30. Win!