Today, we were at church when I pulled my toddler’s hand out of his pants, and he screamed, "I WAS MAKING MY PENIS BIG!" I need a new church. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I was in church. After we were done praying, I quickly sat back down, accidentally crushing my testicles in the process. I squealed loudly and all but pissed my pants, earning me plenty of weird looks from the congregation. FML
Today, my four-year-old son decided to bite my butt during prayer at church. The entire sanctuary heard me instinctively swear at him. FML
Today, at church, I sneezed suddenly and messily into my hand just as the priest asked us to stand and greet our neighbors with a handshake. FML
Today, I went to a friend's wedding. While I was holding my four year old son, he managed to unclip the back of my dress and give the whole church a show. FML
Today, I was asked to leave a church service for laughing at the kids trying to sing. FML
Today, while we had my husband's boss over, my 3-year-old son decided to burst into the living room naked and yell, "Mum, look! Penis!" and wiggle it around. FML
Today, I caught my idiot son with a pencil up his penis, because apparently he wanted to see if he could use it to write with as a party trick to impress girls. I demanded he take it out, which he did, but the rubber eraser stayed inside his penis. Now I’m spending my Sunday holding his hand in A&E. FML
Today, I was in church. During the prayer, I moved my foot and it pressed against the automatic button on my umbrella causing it to suddenly open. As if that wasn't bad enough, I screamed simultaneously at the shock. FML
Today, my 2-year-old told me he found a new finger puppet. It was a used condom. FML
Today, my 6 year-old daughter decided to let out a loud fart in the middle of a quiet church service. FML
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Top comments
BurnInDemonFire 39
I think OP was saying they'd be too embarrassed to go back after this little incident, not that the church was banning them.
BurnInDemonFire 39
I'm surprised he wasn't marched to the front of the congregation, and exorcised on the spot.
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Comments (15)
BurnInDemonFire 39
I'm surprised he wasn't marched to the front of the congregation, and exorcised on the spot.
interesting33 37
I sincerely hope that was exaggeration on the needing a new church. Your young son was masturbaring as children do, and didn't know what he was doing or that it was not socially acceptable to do publically, and they would maker you change church for that??? If that is true that is not Christlike behaviour.
BurnInDemonFire 39
I think OP was saying they'd be too embarrassed to go back after this little incident, not that the church was banning them.
Pulman 13
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Umm, I really hope you missed the fact that OP's child is a ******* toddler and a toddler masturbating is definitely not normal.
ari330 21
yes it is, a lot of toddlers, girls and boys **********, and they don't stop because they like the feeling and don't understand why it's wrong
amanda86 8
It is actually pretty normal. Maybe you should look it up
tmj25789 23
Pullman, it is totally normal for that age to explore their body. It may seem unnatural but it's not and nothing to worry about for a toddler.
Mathalamus 25
It isn't normal? Huh... I thought toddlers would do pretty much anything without regard for anything...
bluejello2001 18
Toddlers being obsessed with their privates is totally natural. Especially boys. They don't understand what masturbation is. Just that there's this really fun and interesting part of their body and it kind of feels fun to play with it. It can take a bit of teaching to get them to understand that they shouldn't touch themselves in public, but kids eventually get it.
Charlie Given 28
Aww come on he just wanted to show god how big it was 😏
real life problems 26
I always thought in catholic church the Pope makes his penis big with kids around him
RichardPencil 32
I hear there’s a new church forming started by a priest who ***** his pants.
mattyiscool123 26
If only it was that simple.
blondie45 21
Hilarious!! I bet every mother in church was silently thanking God that for once it wasn’t their toddler embarrassing them 😂 I remember walking around the shops with my 3 year old son and he spotted the tampon shelf. “Look Mummy, there are those things you put up your pum!”
tmj25789 23
Every mom there was probably nodding their heads when this happened. 😂
Kruxon 11
This needs to be an FML
amarie2009 22
I'll bet the priest loved that one!!!
Avdhut Joshi 7
You need Ram Mandir🙏
Chazzster 32
I can only imagine how embarrassing that was! But have you not noticed the little guy doing that before elsewhere? In the church pew during services is not generally the best place to deal with the “appropriate time and place” conversation. Obviously at the right time and place ************ is not a big deal. But around other people is not appropriate....