Today, I was excited for my first date in a while, with a "tall handsome business man." Turns out he "doesn't feel emotions anymore", likes getting peed on, and "doesn't do condoms." Thanks, internet dating. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I went on a date with someone I've been talking to online for weeks. Unfortunately, it turns out they'd used old photos and misrepresented themselves, and I didn't find them attractive at all. Even I'm not that desperate. We ended up having an awkward dinner and I couldn't wait for it to be over. FML
Today, I was on a first date with a guy I met online. He seemed nice at first, but as we were walking he suddenly stopped and said, "I have to pee." He walked over to urinate on a nearby tree while I awkwardly stood there. FML
Today, I went on a date with someone I'd met online. Everything was going surprisingly well, until I knocked over my drink, spilling it all over my date's lap. In a panic, I blurted out, "Dude, did you piss yourself?" Needless to say, there will be no second date. FML
Today, I went on a date with a guy I met online. It was going OK, until he started asking me if he should stick with the site until he finds the right person. I guess I know how he feels about me, at least. FML
Today, I went on a first date with the guy I really like. During our dinner, he said he needed to go to the bathroom. You guessed it: he didn't come back. FML
Today, I went on a date with a guy I've had a crush on for ages. Midway through the meal, he sighed and said, "I'll be honest, this is a horrible date. You got zero personality and I'm too lazy to do a window escape, so..." He then got up and walked out. FML
Today, after going on a blind date with a man I'd met on Facebook, we went back to his apartment. All was going good, until he took off his pants, only to reveal that he was wearing a diaper. FML
Today, I went on a date with a seemingly nice guy I met online. He was drunk when I got there. Within the first 10 minutes, he had told me I was "like Hitler but with boobs", and I was "offensive to the ninja community." Then he said I just wasn't all he had hoped for and left. FML
Today, I went on a date with someone I considered a real catch, my potential soulmate even. He ended up telling me about his fetish for "female smells", sang loudly in Italian in a crowded restaurant, and ate most of the food on my plate. Man, fuck dating. FML
Today, I went on a first date with a guy I met online. Not only was he boring, he twice excused himself to go to the bathroom and both times he came back smelling of weed. FML
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Top comments
DocBastard 40
You just have to understand Internet dating lingo. "Tall handsome man" means "short ugly freak". "Hot blonde" means at least 350 pounds. And when they actually admit to being freaky, run.
lhazz11 23
Sounds like he wouldn't need to worry about the condoms, he isn't getting laid anyways.
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Comments (161)
limitedition 25
At least you got a good story out of it. Ask your guy friends if they know any good guys for you
JenkJenks 6
Urine trouble if you think a stream of pee puns aren't coming. I mean, I am with you in that pee puns piss me off as well. But, some peeple just want to watch the world get pissed on.
sailorzoe 14
He sounds like a masterpeeice.
Chiara92_fml 32
Sarcasm,anyone?
VasilisaUzhasnaj 29
In Soviet Russia...
mikepzz 27
He should date someone with crones disease.. ( or is it chromes? However it's spelled)
Welshite 40
Oh my god, don't get me started on Crone's Disease. I swear, I was with those witches ONE TIME and they infected me. Now whenever I laugh, I start cackling, and when I cook, I have the urge to use a cauldron and quote spells. I'm lots of fun at Halloween though.
monnanon 14
it is spelt crohns but what has that got to do with the FML crohns is a gut problem.
hooligyn123 18
So because he likes being peed on he should have unprotected sex with someone who suffers from constant stomach pain diarrhea, vomiting, nausea, and skin rashes? To clarify: No I'm not saying Crohn's is contagious.
Xatraris 38
How exactly would Chrohn's benefit them? Constantly being in the bathroom, in pain, ******** has nothing to do with his interests.
nyxiny 22
Don't forget the ulcers!
xxlizsandraxx 7
@ #38 crohn's disease isn't something that can be given to someone by another person. you have to inherit it. that witch gave you an STD stupid.
maimengming 10
Coming from someone who has Crohn's, and has studied it in my physiology class, I can say that there is no way that it has anything to do with him liking to be peed on. Crohn's is an irritable bowel disease. I honestly don't understand how this has anything to do with his interest in pee.
mikepzz 27
Crohn's disease can cause nearly uncontrollable urination at times.. My grandma has it lol
maimengming 10
My father has had it for years, and I have a extremely severe case with every possible symptom I have ever known to be possible. I have yet to find out about a symptom I haven't had. I can tell you, from having it, studying it in depth in class, and talking to my doctor many times, no. Crohn's disease doesn't cause issues with the bladder like that. It is in the digestive system, not the urinary tract.
melacortez 11
Twisted Version Of Fifty Shades Should Of Asked If He Had A Contract
xxlizsandraxx 7
fyl if you read 50 shades of gray
ShakeDisPlace 10
would you like a golden shower OP?
_DudeGuy_ 16
Screw it, I don't care if I'm poisoned, because in the games of puns... If urine it, urine it to win it!
herh1996 6
umm u r not supposed to have sex on the first date hun
Alicestraza 33
OP can have sex whenever she wants (with a consenting adult). Also given the creep factor of the guy I'd bet this came up in casual conversation.
Ultimate_No 7
I know it sounds weird, but usually when people date they hope it goes past the first date. Crazy, I know. Just try to wrap your mind around it.