Today, I was excited for my first date in a while, with a "tall handsome business man." Turns out he "doesn't feel emotions anymore", likes getting peed on, and "doesn't do condoms." Thanks, internet dating. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I went on a date with someone I've been talking to online for weeks. Unfortunately, it turns out they'd used old photos and misrepresented themselves, and I didn't find them attractive at all. Even I'm not that desperate. We ended up having an awkward dinner and I couldn't wait for it to be over. FML
Today, I was on a first date with a guy I met online. He seemed nice at first, but as we were walking he suddenly stopped and said, "I have to pee." He walked over to urinate on a nearby tree while I awkwardly stood there. FML
Today, I went on a date with someone I'd met online. Everything was going surprisingly well, until I knocked over my drink, spilling it all over my date's lap. In a panic, I blurted out, "Dude, did you piss yourself?" Needless to say, there will be no second date. FML
Today, I went on a date with a guy I met online. It was going OK, until he started asking me if he should stick with the site until he finds the right person. I guess I know how he feels about me, at least. FML
Today, I went on a first date with the guy I really like. During our dinner, he said he needed to go to the bathroom. You guessed it: he didn't come back. FML
Today, I went on a date with a guy I've had a crush on for ages. Midway through the meal, he sighed and said, "I'll be honest, this is a horrible date. You got zero personality and I'm too lazy to do a window escape, so..." He then got up and walked out. FML
Today, after going on a blind date with a man I'd met on Facebook, we went back to his apartment. All was going good, until he took off his pants, only to reveal that he was wearing a diaper. FML
Today, I went on a date with a seemingly nice guy I met online. He was drunk when I got there. Within the first 10 minutes, he had told me I was "like Hitler but with boobs", and I was "offensive to the ninja community." Then he said I just wasn't all he had hoped for and left. FML
Today, I went on a date with someone I considered a real catch, my potential soulmate even. He ended up telling me about his fetish for "female smells", sang loudly in Italian in a crowded restaurant, and ate most of the food on my plate. Man, fuck dating. FML
Today, I went on a first date with a guy I met online. Not only was he boring, he twice excused himself to go to the bathroom and both times he came back smelling of weed. FML
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Top comments
DocBastard 40
You just have to understand Internet dating lingo. "Tall handsome man" means "short ugly freak". "Hot blonde" means at least 350 pounds. And when they actually admit to being freaky, run.
lhazz11 23
Sounds like he wouldn't need to worry about the condoms, he isn't getting laid anyways.
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Comments (161)
DocBastard 40
You just have to understand Internet dating lingo. "Tall handsome man" means "short ugly freak". "Hot blonde" means at least 350 pounds. And when they actually admit to being freaky, run.
Bakarra 22
Reminds me of the commercial: "This is my date, he's a French model! Ummmm...baaanjewr"
Welshite 40
I dunno, Doc. I tried being honest in my dating profile, but apparently people don't like "troll-like, squat, and hideous."
Quizzical 8
Maybe "hot blonde" for someone over 350 pounds is accurate, as in he gets overheated easily. It's all about marketing: "squat" should be written as "solid", "troll-like" is "exotic" or "foreign" if you're desperate. I'm drawing a blank on "hideous", though...
s0m3guy2010 21
42- I believe that would be aesthetically abstract.
yeti37 16
I'm rewriting my online dating profile now. "Into ****" reads too much like "in ****" and can be misleading.
ohgeejosee 19
Omg 18, I love that commercial! Haha and as for OP, "don't do internet dating...."
perdix 31
#2, Doc, do you mean run FROM them or run TO them? I guess it depends on how their freaky lines up with your freaky, right?
cieloalicia 16
I'm actually 450..
perdix 31
#79, if you're the girl in the picture, suddenly, I'm a plumpa humpa! ;)
cieloalicia 16
Hahahah! I've never heard that term before.
bluerhhajfk 17
What's wrong with being short?
GrammarNazis 6
79-Grams?
EvilUndead 9
Nicolas Sarcozi. Look at his height, then look at his wife.
cieloalicia 16
115- yeah, probably closer to that. But don't tell.
Bano360 25
#62 don't knock it till you tried it.
perdix 31
#79, 450 newtons would be around 100 lbs, which could be nice, but I don't know if you could handle my 8.
lhazz11 23
Sounds like he wouldn't need to worry about the condoms, he isn't getting laid anyways.
shadowedpixie 19
Haha, good point!
Talooka 10
Likes getting peed on? Goodbye.
SystemofaBlink41 27
He should find R. Kelly.
lhazz11 23
He'd be a good match for Bear Grylls
Bakarra 22
122- has he checked the cupboard yet?
idkiforgot 6
Do you mean the closet?
Bakarra 22
Twas a reference to the madtv skit but yea he's definitely there too
X_Codes 11
@4 - I read that in the voice of AOL.
ScaughtieHolden 11
147, Where do you think MAD got the idea?
JenkJenks 6
Why is likes getting peed on the only thing not in quotations? Is it because you found this fact out some other way than him literally saying it?
OptimusVader 23
I don't think someone would say "I likes getting peed on." She didn't quote it because she was stating a trait, not what he said.
JenkJenks 6
Exactly... How did this trait come to light? I choose to believe that some pee happened to fall on him, and he noticeably enjoyed it.
Smashhoof 15
He doesn't feel emotions! How could he enjoy getting peed on?
Squygm 7
He also wouldn't say 'i doesn't do condoms'.
Smashhoof 15
If he was smarter he would have said, "I doesn't do not doing condoms."
MrBoredomioo 18
Oh my
DocBastard 40
Ureally are a jerk, FreshPie.
Chiara92_fml 32
Thank you! You are my new Internet hero!
ZacZ 8
Some people like tee. Fact of life.
Welshite 40
People like tees? Well, yeah, if they're into golf and such. Personally, I prefer tee-hees.
flockz 20
personally, i prefer tee-tees. the bigger tee-tees are best.
_DudeGuy_ 16
I prefer tee-shirts. They cover my temple body!
notsosweetgrl 7
Oh the joys of Internet dating
HowieDoIt 21
"I met him on the internet, he's a French model"
JamesRay 3
While I however have never done internet dating I found my fiance through the internet and am quite happy with her, have been for three years.
olpally 33
What a freak!! Wow. Sounds like that Internet commercial for State Farm and she allegedly meets a French model on the Internet. It's actually a white guy with a fanny pack that says, "bonjour" lol. Sorry it didn't work out for you op, be glad it didn't actually! Guy has some real issues.
sarah6786 14
"uhh bahn-jore?"
Ashley_Radke 13
"It's actually a white guy"? White people can't be French? Haha.
olpally 33
They can be white but this guy was not even close to being French. Haha. He was so American. Lol.
SoulAmeliorate 16
He "likes getting peed on..." Is there someone accompanying him on this in his free time?