Today, I was cooking with super hot ghost peppers. The package said "After handling them not to touch your eyes, nose or pets". They should've added "penis" to that list. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, while chopping green chilies, I accidentally rubbed my eyes. It currently feels like Satan pissed hellfire straight into my right eye. FML
Today, the cat climbed up to the spice shelf while I was cooking. As I looked up and told him to leave, he tipped over a chili container which coated my face with chili powder. The bloody pain in my eyes then made me knock over a pot of boiling water. FML
Today, I work at a pizza place and one of my jobs is to spoon crushed red pepper into bags. After I finished this, without thinking to wash my hands first, I used the bathroom. It still burns. FML
Today, my vegetarian girlfriend put some ghost pepper hot sauce on my steak to teach me a "lesson" about eating meat. FML
Today, I may be permanently blind in one eye after my girlfriend squirted me with sauce during a playful food fight. She basically used the first bottle she could grab without looking, the extra spicy sauce I make myself that requires gloves, goggles and nose plugs while cooking. FML
Today, my father tricked me into eating a Tasmanian habanero, saying it was just another pepper. The burning in my mouth was unbearable, but nothing compared to when I took a shit later in the day. FML
Today, I was making one of those microwavable pizza kits. Realizing I had no crushed red pepper to put on it, my mom suggested using a chili pepper she had dried. Thinking it was a great idea, I cracked it open on my pizza and out popped some fuzzy white mold and two maggots. FML
Today, I confidently told my friends I had a high spice tolerance and took a shot of insanely hot ghost pepper sauce. I immediately hiccuped, tears started streaming down my cheeks, and I coughed so hard I fell off my chair and knocked stuff off of the table. We were in a restaurant. FML
Today, I decided to spice up my lunch by adding hot sauce to my sandwich. Little did I know, the hot sauce bottle had a faulty cap, and as I squeezed it, the entire contents shot directly into my eye. Now, not only is my lunch ruined, but I also look like I just auditioned for a role in a tear-jerker movie. FML
Today, I told a girl that she had very pretty eyes. I then had to rinse pepper spray from my own. FML
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Top comments
dasteve 0
Chillies on your willy!
Agent36263626 4
At least you know where the burning is coming from...
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Comments (382)
HaloR 0
Sorry buddy
_kfchicken 4
Even if it wasn't chillies I wouldn't touch my penis after cooking without washing...
DooleyFTW 17
Common sense fails yet again.
shovels 0
What happened?
K_kanaka 26
OP's dick feels like it's on fire because the oil from super hot peppers that was on his hands somehow got on his dick. How did it happened? Maybe he had to take a piss or maybe he wanted to jerk off all I got say is it fricken sucks.
gamercanadian 11
So u touch ur penis every time after cooking, wats that like an approval or something lol
jillianmathers12 13
That's hot!! Edit: Shit double post!
jillianmathers12 13
That's hot!!
JoshTheMaggot 8
So it doesn't make a good lube? Dang and all this time I thought the burn was a good thing
Furrywhiplash 14
51- Would you happen to be from the french speaking part of Canada, because your english grammar sucks
hatesfate 6
75 - you didn't properly end your post.
lotto_boi 3
That would of spiced up his love life
StoryOfTheYear 15
113- You shouldn't have even started yours, and speaking of starting sentances...
DKjazz 20
74- The burn means it working. Just cry through the pain, persevere, and after a much practice, you too can truly be called Numbnuts Redcock.
bamagrl410 31
Every single person who has tried to correct someone else's grammar on this thread has subsequently messed up their own sentences. All aboard the fail train.
13T 0
115- *sentences.
Mikko8 15
11 - oh, washing might not be enough
gamercanadian 11
#75 nah man I'm from the other part of Canada lol n #113 thanks to back me up here yea
Dragons_corner 6
74 I think it's time for you to test out the ultimate burning lube. Go get a Butch T pepper and have 911 on standby.
22cute 17
114 please, it's 'would have' NOT 'would of' try reading more and talking less.
SecretMe00 5
Why are people assholes to one another on here? I think there's more arguing going on then any other form of communication.
changesinme 0
Don't tell me you ****** the pie you made with those pepper
jbon87 6
#204 - than* Haha just kidding, but didn't you know that berating someone over the internet makes you a better person?
SecretMe00 5
Lol no... I guess I missed that memo.
Isaac_The_Man 0
Soap actually makes it burn when you piss too.
GuessWhatKids 13
113 - Or capitalize 'English'.
waswashere 0
Now op knows what it's like to get a vd
pandaz1711 0
How did you touch tht area on your body??
tjv3 10
Sorry OP but that should be a given
cummbubble 0
the ghost chili is absolutely unbearable to eat... straight pain
Kefka91 15
Yeah I've eaten one and it is stupidly hot. My mouth burned like hell for about an hour, I suffered with indigestion or something for the whole day, and finally ended up vomiting twice about 6 or 7 hours later. It burned coming back up too. I think I'd break down, go into the fetal position, and bawl my ass off if I got that kind of burning on my shlong...
TomPusslicker 21
I have a similar problem. I read the entire box and not a single warning from trojan about not protecting against cactus needles. fml.
dvh62 0
268 - I'm guessing with his hand. Just a hunch, though. I could be wrong.
lolmigosh 15
Ooh spicy
jworret 0
They should have added use common freaking sense.
JacobWithaY 5
Same thing happened to me except it was IcyHot
MrsPegg 45
Jworret: agreed. Now, I'm just assuming that people have this common knowledge, but if you're skilled enough in the kitchen to be using Ghost Peppers, then you should know to wear gloves when handling them... I must admit though, I laugh when thinking of OP's reaction and facial expressions when the burn hit him. Yet, I'm conflicted because I know it hurt like hell!
kjcookie10 9
Agreed. You would think that the package saying "do not touch eyes, nose etc." would probably also mean don't touch your dick. Sorry OP should have used some freakin common sense and used your RIGHT head instead of the other one.
The_Plagiarizer 4
116- You cook with IcyHot?
AlaskanEskimo34 0
Actually most people don't touch their penis when they're cooking so this is all on OP.
unitedfan11 0
The package should've also said " don't let dumbasses touch this."
jomo111 5
Wincing while face palming
jewfroditmer 7
Or pet's penis...
yummylicious 5
You should never touch your pets penis...
McDonaldsworker 4
Hey #68 There's a hugh difference between being lonely and **********,
poopyfacegirl 28
Hahaha
thegreatbigwhite 2
Or your... dad's penis...?
periwinkle95 10
230- I don't think you really wanna know. Haha
csmith10100 4
what is wrong with u why would u even post something like that dude ur sick
peteyfas 8
I thought it was funny #3..kind of like, "you can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, but you cant pick your friends nose."...except much sicker
Gogetajh 3
com-, come on bro, co-, come on......
lolmigosh 15
69 dislikes ;)
Shadow9876 19
Why are you even thinking that you sick freak.
Agent36263626 4
At least you know where the burning is coming from...
thaCODgod 4
very good point
flamegrilled123 3
Op should get someone to kiss it better
brianfantana32 10
But seriously, why were you touching your penis?
nmitche95 0
Wouldn't that fall under the pets category?
tacozzbaby 5
#338 umm masturbating
capslockisgood 19
338 - Maybe to go to the bathroom.
dasteve 0
Chillies on your willy!
emmaa3451 11
Just don't have sex ..
chrisiffer 17
This sex is on fire!
SmallBean 12
Why wouldn't he have sex? Girls love it when guys' penis' are pepper flavored. They especially love the burning sensation it brings them.
ShyAnn29 15
Oh yeah, burning ****** is awesome..!
KMtheDrummer 6
Slumdog Millionaire?
dasteve 0
287-you know it
ragnorak6801 0
Ha ha ha! That made my day!
yahoowizard 16
Must have had a really shitty day then
xSonic 9
That's what this site's for :)
brianfantana32 10
Would it make your day if your penis practically caught on fire?
Icedogs133 0
Flaming hot penis anyone?
WCARlover 35
You definitely deserve this one haha sorry
biasedshooter 24
How? He probably took a whiz after cooking
markrs 0
Gotta let it burn...
ladiesman219 4
I'm guessing it got a little "hot"
WCARlover 35
No quotations needed, it really did get hot...
Right_Click 12
Fried sausage, anyone? ... Too soon?
shovels 0
... For what?
CheckItOutItsYou 7
Dammit shovels
shovels 0
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