Today, I saw my friend across campus, and I decided that I wanted to play a trick on her and scare her from behind. Turns out, I scared a complete stranger with really bad panic induced asthma. FML

Today, I was showing some new karate moves in the park to my friends. I mimed a punch behind a girl walking past to show my technique and control, but she must have seen me. She turned around and kicked me in the stomach. To add insult to injury, her technique was better than mine. FML

Today, I tried to impress my girlfriend by punching through a piece of old drywall karate kid-style. As it turns out, the drywall was actually a thin piece of concrete. I now have a busted hand and a girlfriend with a new story to tell all her friends. FML

Today, my wife has a bruise on her cheek from a nasty trip while practicing her yoga. She now thinks it's hilarious to flinch in public when I get near her, and keeps telling people she "walked into a door". I've gotten more dirty looks than I can count. FML

Today, I was horsing around after my big test. Someone punched me softly on my back. Figuring it was my friend, I turned around and did a roundhouse kick. It was my girlfriend. FML

Today, at a family dinner, my mother-in-law talked me into showing off some moves that I've learned in martial arts. I gently did a restraining hold on her. She screamed that I was trying to break her wrists, and kept the wounded act up all night, smirking as everyone gave me death glares. FML

How d'you like them apples?

Today, after my girlfriend played a prank on me a few days ago, I thought she’d be a good sport about me playing one back. Turns out she’s not a good sport. I’m now single, with black bruises on my ribs. I think one might even be broken. FML

Today, I decided to impress my friends by doing a flip on the trampoline. What did impress them, was my lack of tears after I hit the edge of the trampoline and broke my nose. FML

Today, in my self-defense class, we did an attack simulation. As I began to hit my attacker, my fist hit the top of his helmet, dislocating my shoulder. I then spent the next hour in the ER sobbing until it was popped back in. I need to learn to defend myself against myself. FML

Today, I tickled my girlfriend, and her first reflex was to swing her elbow back and break my nose. FML