Today, I'm accused of vandalizing a cop car during a night of partying, and in so doing, violating my parole. While talking with my lawyer, who I spent all my savings on, I said he could hire better than his hideous secretary. Turns out she's his wife. I think I'm now more screwed than ever. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Same thing different taste
Extreme disorderly conduct
Today, I had to be bailed out of the local police station while hungover. I don’t remember any of it but I got so drunk yesterday I apparently went and took a shit on my cheating ex wife’s grave in front of witnesses, and was arrested while trying to stumble my way home. FML
Just a term of endearment
Today, I had the cops called on me because I accidentally texted, "I'm going to kill you and use your head as a hood ornament" to my ex-fiancé, instead of my best friend. I only texted that because he got a better grade on an exam than me. Now I have a court date. FML
Today, my house was broken into. The cop that came turned out to be a guy I fought over a girl with in high school. He sneered and said that everything appeared to be in order, and that I probably ransacked my own house. FML
Today, I got shitfaced at a club. A cute girl I'd met earlier in the evening offered to drive me home in my car and spend the night with me. She crashed my car and did a runner before the cops showed up. They wouldn't believe my story. I now have a wrecked car and a DUI. FML
Gotcha
Today, I found out that the "burglar" I caught, punched, and tied up for the cops was actually my wife's secret lover. FML
Today, I had to bail my drunk husband out of jail after he and his best friend tried to steal a police horse from an officer. FML
The nerve of some people
Today, I got a call from my boyfriend. He was at the police station for breaking into a model home to hook up with the girl he's been cheating on me with for the past four months. I was his one phone call. He was expecting me to bail him out. FML
Public freakout
Today, some punk got up in my face yelling at me, pushed my wife and scratched my car with a, "What you gonna do, old man?" attitude, and yet I’m the bad guy who gets arrested because I open-palm slapped him and he fell into a glass window and fucked up his face and neck, probably permanently. FML
Busted
Today, my friend told me he had just robbed a bank and needed a place to hide. Thinking he was joking, I let him in so we could hang out. Fifteen minutes later, the cops storm into my apartment. Now I'm an accomplice in a crime I thought was a joke. FML
Walk on the wild side
Today, I had to go get my fiancé's car so it wouldn't get impounded after he was arrested at 12 a.m. and charged with a felony. I just got out of prison in March, and we get married next week. FML
Top comments
speshlk37 13
Alright, let's go ahead and get you right out of society. There we go.
Irishgypsy 2
Pack your toothbrush and say your good byes
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Comments (216)
jjessen 20
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Didn't quite understand that...
sarahlove281 4
She made a bad situation even worse by insulting her lawyer's wife. On top of all of it, she's also broke, and could potentially go to jail for breaking parole.
syley 5
Op insluts his lawyer's secretary, turns out to be lawyer's wife. op basically pissed his lawyer off by calling his wife/secretary (unknowingly) "hideous"
dominic1221 6
Shit, how #1 had 3 thumbs up just now, I'll never know. Can't people READ anymore?
doctorhook86 25
OP, why would you think it would be a good idea to insult your lawyer's secretary to his face?
GovernorGeneral 8
^ OP didn't know she was his laywers wife -_-
GovernorGeneral 8
Oops. Sorry 27 i misread your comment 3;
doctorhook86 25
65: There's nothing quite like in-sluting a pretty secretary
wetFeline 3
I do
dylanmurre 4
How did you write this from jail??
MochiDango 4
I'm just curious why OP would bring the secretary into it, I could understand if she sucked at her job or was nasty to people but she questioned her attorney because his secretary wasn't good looking? It seems a little shallow to me but I also don't know OP or the secretary.
Eluveitie 9
I think she deserves it for getting arrested in the first place.
Irishgypsy 2
Pack your toothbrush and say your good byes
rhaemese 9
Remember, don't drop any soap.
hockeyoceancity 13
Does the soap thing matter if you are in a women's jail? They might slap your ass but you never hear of anything bad happening in a women's jail shower area.
Insane_Tea 15
#17 Have you seen a T.V. program about prisons? Both male and female are scary as shit. Those offenders of society are the real deal. Have you seen some of those women? They're seriously scary as hell.
speshlk37 13
From what I've seen about woman's prison's on tv they're all hot. Even the guards. But that was cable tv...
hockeyoceancity 13
24- I know but does the soap being dropped still have any reaction out of the women? I mean some of them look manly as hell but they can't really do something to a woman bending over? Slap their ass maybe but i hope to god that they wouldn't be like... uhh.. how to say this without sounding like a perv... Would they insert any body parts in the woman's ******? I've never heard stories of bad shower accidents in women jails.
SqueakyChipmunk 22
Two words, 46: Mop Handle.
mermaidcentaurs 9
My mom works at the male state prison in Florida. She hates working at the women's because women are atrocious in jail. More fights, more problems, more attitude, more idiotic women. In women prisons, other women become "slaves" to other women. It's the way it is
rubberduckie94 13
59 you are exactly spot on your call. Women are far worse then men in situations like this. Op don't forget white underwear and tee ***** otherwise you will be commando under your jump suit. Gross.
Hockeyboy4280 18
I agree with 24, some of those prison ladies could beat the shit out of me. Those are not women, they are men... I've seen UFC and Boxing matches less violent and brutal than those cows on "Lockup". I thought I was a tough kid for playing a contact sport, Jesus, I wouldn't last 3 seconds in a hardcore women's jail. So 17, maybe "don't drop the soap" doesn't apply to FEMALES, but some other hardcore shit still goes down.
French_Toast_fml 3
71- tee *****?
Irishgypsy 2
90, haha good catch. I so didn't notice that
wetFeline 3
You are going to rape so many people I bet
wetFeline 3
You are going to rape so many guys
mars13_fml 8
Hahaha! Oh and he should also turn gay if going back to prison. Just kidding I know people on here can't take a joke (^-^)
mars13_fml 8
Hahaha! Yeaaa he is going back to jail.
Herculesninja27 5
Killed two birds with one stone huh....
ProfessionalTrol_fml 14
If you mean by "got ****** twice by one stone", then yes.
greenmen 12
Hillarious
onlychildFTW 34
Is the OP stupid or something. Jeez. Smooth move to insult your lawyers wife. You really shouldn't insult people to other people. That's mean. And stupid.
Dajucy1 7
Its not like you could've trust a lawyer to begin with
hockeyoceancity 13
Actually you can? They want to win, they don't care if you're guilty or not!
MochiDango 4
5- I'm guessing you're also one of those people who hate on cops because they're doing their jobs? Jesus, your comment just made you seem really ignorant so take a step back and think "if I did some stupid crap and got in trouble with the law, would I really want to represent myself in court and guarantee a prison sentence?"
Trisha_aus 15
Better call Saul!
Dadothy 8
Breaking Bad is the greatest show of all time
Trisha_aus 15
Yo That's right...BITCH! ;)
2oc 5
When is it ever a good idea to insult someone that could be close to your Lawyer? If they weren't family, they could've become friends
everydayFML2121 5
I hate girls that judge other girls on their looks
etoilenuit 15
It's funny she's judging someone on their looks, when someone could judge her on stupidity. Stupidity makes you a bigger loser than someone who isn't attractive..
dudeman1212 22
OP sounds like a gargantuan prick
speshlk37 13
Alright, let's go ahead and get you right out of society. There we go.
ifuckmonsters 5
Why would you even comment on his secretary?
hockeyoceancity 13
Failed attempt in becoming friendly with the lawyor; trying to make a laugh.
xk75 4
Bc the op's an ass who deserves to have the book thrown at him or her. And the "savings" the op spent was probably around three fifty.
PrettyKookieToo 8
You mean tree fiddy, don't you?
22cute 17
Sounds like Op was trying to hit on her attorney and it backfired big time, to me! 68- it takes at least $3000-5000 retainer hire an attorney.
Angel272000 4
Ikr like I think he has no brain
Angel272000 4
Lol
solosohigh 15
sounds like you really have your life together. how surprising that you are rude as ****.
tylerwc111 13
No better way to put it.
doodlecloud 27
What is wrong with you? Even if she wasn't his wife, why would you just insult her like that? If that's just the kind of small-talk you make then, combined with already being on parole, you seen like I nasty piece of work...it sucks that you're being accused of something you apparently haven't done but I can't help but feel this may just be karma for a load of other crap...
knoelb 0
he never said he didnt do it..
biggestfan23 11
She*