Today, I'm accused of vandalizing a cop car during a night of partying, and in so doing, violating my parole. While talking with my lawyer, who I spent all my savings on, I said he could hire better than his hideous secretary. Turns out she's his wife. I think I'm now more screwed than ever. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I had to be bailed out of the local police station while hungover. I don’t remember any of it but I got so drunk yesterday I apparently went and took a shit on my cheating ex wife’s grave in front of witnesses, and was arrested while trying to stumble my way home. FML
Today, I had the cops called on me because I accidentally texted, "I'm going to kill you and use your head as a hood ornament" to my ex-fiancé, instead of my best friend. I only texted that because he got a better grade on an exam than me. Now I have a court date. FML
Today, my house was broken into. The cop that came turned out to be a guy I fought over a girl with in high school. He sneered and said that everything appeared to be in order, and that I probably ransacked my own house. FML
Today, I got shitfaced at a club. A cute girl I'd met earlier in the evening offered to drive me home in my car and spend the night with me. She crashed my car and did a runner before the cops showed up. They wouldn't believe my story. I now have a wrecked car and a DUI. FML
Today, I found out that the "burglar" I caught, punched, and tied up for the cops was actually my wife's secret lover. FML
Today, I had to bail my drunk husband out of jail after he and his best friend tried to steal a police horse from an officer. FML
Today, I got a call from my boyfriend. He was at the police station for breaking into a model home to hook up with the girl he's been cheating on me with for the past four months. I was his one phone call. He was expecting me to bail him out. FML
Today, some punk got up in my face yelling at me, pushed my wife and scratched my car with a, "What you gonna do, old man?" attitude, and yet I’m the bad guy who gets arrested because I open-palm slapped him and he fell into a glass window and fucked up his face and neck, probably permanently. FML
Today, my friend told me he had just robbed a bank and needed a place to hide. Thinking he was joking, I let him in so we could hang out. Fifteen minutes later, the cops storm into my apartment. Now I'm an accomplice in a crime I thought was a joke. FML
Today, I had to go get my fiancé's car so it wouldn't get impounded after he was arrested at 12 a.m. and charged with a felony. I just got out of prison in March, and we get married next week. FML
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Top comments
speshlk37 13
Alright, let's go ahead and get you right out of society. There we go.
Irishgypsy 2
Pack your toothbrush and say your good byes
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Comments (216)
perdix 31
I think prison is the right place for you. Good thing you'll be in the hoosegow before you can comment on my looks :D
unknown_user5566 27
Silly Perdix, no one would dare insult your looks. Only because you'd beat the living shit out of them, of course. ;)
Trisha_aus 15
Those Zumba lessons must be magical
sonicgreg 12
Somebody's a kiss ass...
unknown_user5566 27
Don't really consider myself a kiss ass. Perdix and I frequently reply to each other's comments as if we are friends. I find it amusing. And yes, the Zumba classes ARE magical. ;)
Irishgypsy 2
Are you taking perdix to see "Ted"? You have too if you wanna be his friend. Also you gotta pay.
perdix 31
#39, oh, no, kyleekay is special to me -- we can go Dutch!
Irishgypsy 2
Haha. Good answer. That's what I would have said too.
unknown_user5566 27
Ted? I suppose that'll do, but I was hoping to see Magic Mike instead. :(
perdix 31
#135, here's the deal: "Magic Mike," your treat; "That's My Boy," my treat; "Ted," Dutch. I hope you find my terms reasonable. I like to arm-wrestle for the popcorn, I'll let you choose the contest for the soda, and for the candy, a dance-off. This will certainly top our IKEA romp :D
PoseidonsSon 3
Why do I have a feeling perdix is always beige?
unknown_user5566 27
Sounds like you need to get your shit together. You seem to be a rude, inconsiderate a-hole and you seemingly only care about one thing: yourself. Grow up. YDI.
sharpshooterben 13
Sounds like you nailed OPs personality
JudgeTroll 6
You say shit but not asshole. Lol
Keliosan 6
Don't be so hard on her. According to her username she listens to nicki minaj. Clearly she has some sort of brain damage or mental disorder.
unknown_user5566 27
126- Haha, good point. Not sure why I edited myself there. 127- What are you talking about? My maiden name starts with a "K", and as a play on my initial, I've used "kay" in its place for quite a long time. I like how your bio proclaims that you should not take shit from douchebags, when you are clearly a douchebag yourself. Now, please take your completely irrelevant, asshole (like that, 126?) comment and shove it up your smart ass. Thank you.
dominic1221 6
Uhhh... he was talking about the OP. Her name's "jillie minaj". Chill out.
unknown_user5566 27
Ah, damnit. I apologize, 127. I just realized you were referring to OP, and not me. I didn't notice the username until after I posted my retaliation. I thought you were referring to me by responding to 126's comment about my unusual editing. I thumbed myself down for that one. I feel like a complete ass, now. :(
Keliosan 6
It's cool. Misunderstandings happen I'll be fine.
asktherunes 4
Your a dumbass.
hockeyoceancity 13
No, YOU'RE a dumbass.
GovernorGeneral 8
No, i'm a dumbass.
SqueakyChipmunk 22
All donkeys are offended by this point.
peter27 0
54. They were talking about DUMBasses, not JACKasses.
Irishgypsy 2
83, you're a JACKass
SqueakyChipmunk 22
83) they can be Jackasses, or just plain asses.
lenluigi 6
I think reading the comments made more sence to me than the actual fml...
Shrike 24
You mean "sense", right? Right? Yeah, okay then.
whosindahouse 9
That made sense
iliketomoveit123 10
You're retarded.
3rdbass 9
Mentally handicapped people wouldn't do such things. What are you, twelve?
iliketomoveit123 10
Some would. Yeah, sure. I'm 12.
siriusjones 6
Wow....folk like you give worthless trash a bad name. Don't do the crime if you can't do the time.
ILuv_toaster182 5
Kiss freedom goodbye douche face:) ydi
SqueakyChipmunk 22
This sounds like something that would happen to Allen from Two and a Half Men. You know, before Charlie Sheen left and the show went to hell.
charlotte69er 7
No more breaking the rules buddy
afropuffjake 9
If you didn't do it I could understand your lashing out butthat guy's the one to save your ass if there is any to save. If you did do it then I can understand your anger and that you're just trying to be a bigger asshole so it won't hurt so much when you go to prison.