Today, I'm accused of vandalizing a cop car during a night of partying, and in so doing, violating my parole. While talking with my lawyer, who I spent all my savings on, I said he could hire better than his hideous secretary. Turns out she's his wife. I think I'm now more screwed than ever. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I had to be bailed out of the local police station while hungover. I don’t remember any of it but I got so drunk yesterday I apparently went and took a shit on my cheating ex wife’s grave in front of witnesses, and was arrested while trying to stumble my way home. FML
Today, I had the cops called on me because I accidentally texted, "I'm going to kill you and use your head as a hood ornament" to my ex-fiancé, instead of my best friend. I only texted that because he got a better grade on an exam than me. Now I have a court date. FML
Today, my house was broken into. The cop that came turned out to be a guy I fought over a girl with in high school. He sneered and said that everything appeared to be in order, and that I probably ransacked my own house. FML
Today, I got shitfaced at a club. A cute girl I'd met earlier in the evening offered to drive me home in my car and spend the night with me. She crashed my car and did a runner before the cops showed up. They wouldn't believe my story. I now have a wrecked car and a DUI. FML
Today, I found out that the "burglar" I caught, punched, and tied up for the cops was actually my wife's secret lover. FML
Today, I had to bail my drunk husband out of jail after he and his best friend tried to steal a police horse from an officer. FML
Today, I got a call from my boyfriend. He was at the police station for breaking into a model home to hook up with the girl he's been cheating on me with for the past four months. I was his one phone call. He was expecting me to bail him out. FML
Today, some punk got up in my face yelling at me, pushed my wife and scratched my car with a, "What you gonna do, old man?" attitude, and yet I’m the bad guy who gets arrested because I open-palm slapped him and he fell into a glass window and fucked up his face and neck, probably permanently. FML
Today, my friend told me he had just robbed a bank and needed a place to hide. Thinking he was joking, I let him in so we could hang out. Fifteen minutes later, the cops storm into my apartment. Now I'm an accomplice in a crime I thought was a joke. FML
Today, I had to go get my fiancé's car so it wouldn't get impounded after he was arrested at 12 a.m. and charged with a felony. I just got out of prison in March, and we get married next week. FML
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Top comments
speshlk37 13
Alright, let's go ahead and get you right out of society. There we go.
Irishgypsy 2
Pack your toothbrush and say your good byes
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Comments (216)
Mauskau 36
YDI just for being on parole. ******* sort yourself out.
Faff 20
she definitely deserved it yeah, But just for being on parole? that's bullshit.
downtime 13
I think they mean for violating parole. This was an opportunity to prove themselves to have learnt from the experience and show they can assimilate with society again, and rather than being thankful for this opportunity they're going out getting wasted and doing stupid shit.
medichick 5
You're an idiot. Might as well get your jumpsuit ready
Briiyahh 7
Keep comments to ya self
DocBastard 40
I think there's something wrong with FML. After reading this very carefully, all I saw was "I was a big dumbass before, then I did something even stupider, and then I was a complete idiot because I have the IQ of a newt." Maybe I misread it.
SqueakyChipmunk 22
Did someone get something stuck in their foot--in your picture?
Madrias 36
I think the newt would have a higher IQ than OP. I'm thinking a turnip has more IQ points than the OP, though.
DocBastard 40
SqueakyChipmunk - Yes. :)
SqueakyChipmunk 22
Huzzah! I am correct! What'd they step on?
XxQueenofPuppets 10
You had better hope your attorney doesn't drop you, ass...
jwbfml 11
Idiot. Better pack some soap on a rope.
CastielJ 6
I won't kick you when your down. My word of advice, get your life together.
Ray_of_midnight 23
I suggest you get the words "POOR IMPULSE CONTROL" tattooed on your forehead, in mirror writing, to remind yourself of just exactly what your problem is.
journeytotheend 16
Well if you actually did it. You deserve it
goodgood_fml 5
It's some Murder 1 bitches in jail who would eat you for dinner. Please get it together it's not a place for you.