Today, I'm accused of vandalizing a cop car during a night of partying, and in so doing, violating my parole. While talking with my lawyer, who I spent all my savings on, I said he could hire better than his hideous secretary. Turns out she's his wife. I think I'm now more screwed than ever. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I had to be bailed out of the local police station while hungover. I don’t remember any of it but I got so drunk yesterday I apparently went and took a shit on my cheating ex wife’s grave in front of witnesses, and was arrested while trying to stumble my way home. FML
Today, I had the cops called on me because I accidentally texted, "I'm going to kill you and use your head as a hood ornament" to my ex-fiancé, instead of my best friend. I only texted that because he got a better grade on an exam than me. Now I have a court date. FML
Today, my house was broken into. The cop that came turned out to be a guy I fought over a girl with in high school. He sneered and said that everything appeared to be in order, and that I probably ransacked my own house. FML
Today, I got shitfaced at a club. A cute girl I'd met earlier in the evening offered to drive me home in my car and spend the night with me. She crashed my car and did a runner before the cops showed up. They wouldn't believe my story. I now have a wrecked car and a DUI. FML
Today, I found out that the "burglar" I caught, punched, and tied up for the cops was actually my wife's secret lover. FML
Today, I had to bail my drunk husband out of jail after he and his best friend tried to steal a police horse from an officer. FML
Today, I got a call from my boyfriend. He was at the police station for breaking into a model home to hook up with the girl he's been cheating on me with for the past four months. I was his one phone call. He was expecting me to bail him out. FML
Today, some punk got up in my face yelling at me, pushed my wife and scratched my car with a, "What you gonna do, old man?" attitude, and yet I’m the bad guy who gets arrested because I open-palm slapped him and he fell into a glass window and fucked up his face and neck, probably permanently. FML
Today, my friend told me he had just robbed a bank and needed a place to hide. Thinking he was joking, I let him in so we could hang out. Fifteen minutes later, the cops storm into my apartment. Now I'm an accomplice in a crime I thought was a joke. FML
Today, I had to go get my fiancé's car so it wouldn't get impounded after he was arrested at 12 a.m. and charged with a felony. I just got out of prison in March, and we get married next week. FML
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Top comments
speshlk37 13
Alright, let's go ahead and get you right out of society. There we go.
Irishgypsy 2
Pack your toothbrush and say your good byes
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Comments (216)
purpledrizzle 5
You are so screwed. Well, don't drop the soap OP
oneFUCKINword 8
Ever heard of the old saying, 'if you can't say anything nice don't say anything at all'? It's not just for the recipients sake. I hope for your sake this is a lesson learnt.
olpally 33
Oh op, if you're not a lesbian, be ready to become one in prison... You deserve it!
dDailydDosage 8
Why insult someone like that? Even if you were just trying to kid with your lawyer, it's really rude. If anyone should fml this it should be her!
blacksswan 10
After reading the last part I decided I don't feel bad for you at all. You deserve it Jerk!
stormchaser24 24
Hmmm, already on parole and went partying. Then insulting a lawyer's wife. YDI. The lawyer has to help you anyway.
Faff 20
I think you mean "vandalizing a cop car" there is nothing wrong with partying if she would've controlled herself.
downtime 13
I think they can refuse to take her on as a client. They will still need to be paid for any work done thus far though I believe.
skokob 7
Just plead the fifth! It looks like the smarts thing u can do!!!
Runner4Life13 4
Make sure you have string for your soap bar. If you know what I mean.
yoi55 0
LOL...you just don't know when to stop do you?? You totally deserve it!
ninjacow123 6
Good one, idiot.