Today, I grabbed some lotion to have a good old wank. However, I'd got it a bit wrong in my rush to spurt my man-mush into an old gym sock, and had picked up some concentrated bronzer. I now have neon-orange hands and genitals. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I found out my older brother put tanning lotion in the lotion I use to masturbate with. Now I have orange palms and an orange penis which won't go away for weeks. FML
Today, I ran out of my usual hand lotion that I use for 'me time'. I instead decided to try and us my after shave lotion as a replacement. Apparently, my member doesn't agree with one of the ingredients, and has now swollen to the size of my fist. FML
Today, I took a piss while doing yard work. Later, to my horror, I discovered that I had touched poison oak at some point. My penis is now blistered and swollen. FML
Today, as I finished putting self tanner on my legs, the phone rang. Telemarketer. After returning to the bathroom I put moisturizer on my face. As I looked in the mirror, I soon realized I'd forgotten to wash my hands. My face is now streaky orange. FML
Today, I was rubbing one out in the shower. I guess I got a little too excited, because as I came close to climaxing, I had a serious asthma attack and had to wheeze for help. FML
Today, I got my make-up remover wipes mixed up with my sister's self-tan wipes. I am currently watching my face slowly turn orange and there is nothing I can do about it. FML
Today, I decided to spray tan myself. Five minutes later, I had to pee, so I did. Not only do I now have two orange stripes on my toilet bowl, but I also have two big white stripes on the back of my thighs. FML
Today, I was getting ready for the school swimming carnival and was running very late. I reached for my deodorant and sprayed it on. It was only when I was at the pool that I realized I had accidentally grabbed the spray tan and covered my underarms in it. FML
Today, I masturbated so hard I got a cramp in my forearm muscle so unexpectedly that my hand spasmed, slipped off my penis, and I punched myself in the face. FML
Today, I jacked off in the shower using soap with scrubbing beads in it. My penis is so chaffed, it hurts to put on pants. FML
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Top comments
abbytequiere 9
You deserve this just for calling it your man-mush. Really?
bobbyfmaul 2
New nick name - "The Thing"
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Comments (183)
HunterAlpha1 8
once you go oompa loompa you never go back!
piroshiromaro 4
It's an oompa-loompa!
bannaboo120356 6
Anyone ask if you murdered an ooopa loompa? I'm guessing he has a gf by the idea of a man having bronzer lotion which is normally used by woman rather than a male.
structuredchaoz 4
Dude you're sick. You could have worded this post so much differently.
mtmsr1 0
Damn man u nasty
UnluckyDude96 8
Dude. It would be cool if it was scented lol
havocmike 3
Protip : just spit in your hand next time. You'll save money on lotion
deequu 20
Maybe you should have sex like a real man?
cul8erqtpie20 0
This is hilarious! I hope you hook up with a girl soon! She will think you're an alien :p
guerillazinsuits 1
Hah, man mush.