Today, I ran out of my usual hand lotion that I use for 'me time'. I instead decided to try and us my after shave lotion as a replacement. Apparently, my member doesn't agree with one of the ingredients, and has now swollen to the size of my fist. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I grabbed some lotion to have a good old wank. However, I'd got it a bit wrong in my rush to spurt my man-mush into an old gym sock, and had picked up some concentrated bronzer. I now have neon-orange hands and genitals. FML
Today, I am violently allergic to my boyfriend's new hand cream. I know this because after last night's quickie on the sofa, I now have a rash all over my skin and weeping sores inside my vagina and around my bum hole. FML
Today, I jacked off in the shower using soap with scrubbing beads in it. My penis is so chaffed, it hurts to put on pants. FML
Today, I found out my older brother put tanning lotion in the lotion I use to masturbate with. Now I have orange palms and an orange penis which won't go away for weeks. FML
Today, I put aftershave on my fingers to encourage myself to stop biting my nails. I absentmindedly rubbed my eye a few minutes later. It burnt like hell. FML
Today, it turned out the razor I used for manscaping wasn't as new and sharp as I'd thought. My entire crotch is now overcome with an unfathomable amount of razor burn. FML
Today, after waking up from a drunken night, I realized the burning sensation I had from the lube during sex was because I used hand sanitizer. FML
Today, I found out I'm allergic to my wife's new medicated handcream after I came down with a nasty, itchy rash on my chest, stomach, cock, and balls. FML
Today, I was eating out with my partner, and we decided to use the new lube we bought. Things went great until I later realized I was allergic to it and a large red rash spread all across my mouth and chin. It won't go away. FML
Today, I ran a hand down my freshly shaven leg to appreciate the smoothness, only to come up with a hand covered in blood. FML
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Top comments
MaddogTotten 0
I would buy a shitton of that stuff.
jchansfan 0
You sir, are an idiot. lmao Haven't you ever watched Home Alone? lmao
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Comments (109)
MaddogTotten 0
I would buy a shitton of that stuff.
kevick93 0
mine is already bigger than that
ImFatAndLonleyFM 0
YDI for using anything labelled After Shave on your member. wanna try wankin with Bengay now, lonly one?
Clare420 0
YDI why would you use after shave??
Sammiches 12
You would normally use it to smell good.
loganberrybat 11
You Americans and your sad pathetic need to be first
FML102938 8
Yeah I'm not seeing any problem here what's the FML? Lol
wadevader 6
2 words for when you run out again: baby oil
SenGaeriel 3
WTF were you thinking?
jchansfan 0
You sir, are an idiot. lmao Haven't you ever watched Home Alone? lmao
SenGaeriel 3
Exactly. That stuff has alcohol in it. Burns like hell. The OP won't be getting any for a while, even from his right hand.
blland 0
size of a fist! a dream of all men AND their women!! congratulations!!
Intoxicunt 6
Uh, yeah. Because all women want to be fisted. /sarcasm That's just men that think a dick the size of a watermelon would be appealing.
writergirl23 19
Add to the fact it's probably too sore for op to do anything with.
bugmenotmofo 34
"Swollen" to the size of your fist? Geeez, really FYL.
illy88 0
ur an idiot..lol but trust me coming from a girls point of view..thts good lol
silvermoonstar3 3
I'm a girl. I don't think that's a good thing. I can also type words like "you". Maybe IQ has something to do with it...
ShesIndecisive 0
and "tht" has an a in it. you classy, classy lady.
behady 4
Yea something that big will actually hurt whatever girl you have sex with
sux2beU 0
Chode.
pcakewafflebacon 0
more like megachode
jchansfan 0
lmao, you guys, girls won't like it. Its probably hideously swollen, and its not like he can use it, pretty sure he'd be in constant pain. And he deserved it, there's no way that was even close to his best option lmao. I don't get how he didn't consider just going lotionless. Or is lotion a must, iunno... lmao
ImTheAlpha 30
Yay, an intelligent man! I was starting to think that they were a myth.
dieburnbot 0
All women deep down want a fist sized penis inside of them so go take advantage of that buddy.
silvermoonstar3 3
Dear god, I hope that was sarcasm!
StaticDown 0
I second that
kingkash 0
you must have very small fists...
Pimpshine99 0
^ win