bobbyfmaul

Today, I grabbed some lotion to have a good old wank. However, I'd got it a bit wrong in my rush to spurt my man-mush into an old gym sock, and had picked up some concentrated bronzer. I now have neon-orange hands and genitals. FML

Today, my 18-year-old son asked me if I was a virgin. I still don't know what to say to him. FML

Today, it's my anniversary. I've been a single cat-lady for exactly one year. FML

Today, I called the toaster a "cheeky thing" for being done before the kettle. FML