Today, I found out my older brother put tanning lotion in the lotion I use to masturbate with. Now I have orange palms and an orange penis which won't go away for weeks. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I grabbed some lotion to have a good old wank. However, I'd got it a bit wrong in my rush to spurt my man-mush into an old gym sock, and had picked up some concentrated bronzer. I now have neon-orange hands and genitals. FML
Today, my 15 year-old brother, visiting me for the weekend, thought it would be a great idea to switch my expensive moisturiser for fake tan cream. I'm going to work in 12 hours. I'm fluorescent orange. FML
Today, I caught my brother whacking off with my expensive bottle of lotion. This might not have been quite so disturbing had he not been caught with his entire penis in the bottle. FML
Today, I got my make-up remover wipes mixed up with my sister's self-tan wipes. I am currently watching my face slowly turn orange and there is nothing I can do about it. FML
Today, I decided to try a self-tanning lotion my friend had recommended. I put it on, and decided to take a nap. I woke up later and checked myself in the mirror, expecting to see a new, more tanned version of myself. I didn't. I'm now orange. FML
Today, I ran out of my usual hand lotion that I use for 'me time'. I instead decided to try and us my after shave lotion as a replacement. Apparently, my member doesn't agree with one of the ingredients, and has now swollen to the size of my fist. FML
Today, my sister thought it would be funny to spray my face with my new tanning spray, which is only supposed to be used on arms and legs. I woke up and looked in the mirror to see an orange blotchy face staring back at me. My parents can't look at me without laughing. FML
Today, as I finished putting self tanner on my legs, the phone rang. Telemarketer. After returning to the bathroom I put moisturizer on my face. As I looked in the mirror, I soon realized I'd forgotten to wash my hands. My face is now streaky orange. FML
Today, I got a second degree sunburn everywhere above my waist, for which I've been using a medicated lotion. My roommate "pranked" me by switching the lotion with a similarly colored, very caustic acne wash. My chest feels like it's roasting in hell and is oozing pus and oil now. FML
Today, I took a piss while doing yard work. Later, to my horror, I discovered that I had touched poison oak at some point. My penis is now blistered and swollen. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
untoward 0
well if your masturbating so much, probably no one is seeing your penis anyway
katieebabyy 0
carrot crotch!
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (353)
CoolAsian 0
first suckas
Tikwichka 5
Not for long, Mr Wolfie! OP, now you know to hide your wanky paraphernalia.
mattman1994 0
shut up
bean_dip21 0
This us funny.
Stupified 0
op if you have small hands you can tell people snooki gave you a hand job!
KingDingALing 9
Well...I would say that you've been caught red handed but that wouldn't be true, now would it? :D So you've been caught orange handed, OP!! :p
MmissyT 8
lmfao thtt sukkz urr brothr wins
alizzette_nabash 6
this came from a tv series! lies and slander!!!
TheIrishJaneDoe 9
48, you didn't read the username, did you?
jaderrrx3 0
you must be blind to not notice the color of the lotion. Orrrrr your lotionwas already orange. but anyway. FYL orange penis dude.
skysaresunny 0
because it was mixed . jeez . read . they didn't say there was more tanning shit than lotion.
iHOOT4Hooters 0
Just go to Florida beach, walk up to some random group of chicks and say, "Hey ladies, I have some Florida oranges here. Feel free to give them a squeeze, but watch out, orange juice might come out from the orange tree."
5t3ff1k4h 47
95 - Not necessarily. I've used self tanners that started out as a clear (or white) lotion and gradually reacted with my skin to turn it "tan".
I_iz_special 0
102 win lol
MAGNAVOX 0
Ydi for not having a girl that gives you hjs,bjs, and has sex with you.
KylaaKatastrophe 0
This is directed towards 112 :) * clears throat* I have to say being naturally tan wins. No dealing with any type of yucky lotion. ;)
KingDingALing 9
83- Unfortunately, I read it after I posted the comment.., :(
XxDevilxXGt 26
why would you ********** with with lotion anyway, you fool! :/
ImaZebraIrl 0
You must be so proud #1. You want a cookie (:::)?
5t3ff1k4h 47
142 - I don't use them anymore, and when I did, it was only once or twice. I don't see why your comment should be directed towards me. I'm also happy with my pale skin.
xmmichelleex 0
just put the lotion on ur other hand and tell people ur hands were dry and u thought it was hand cream. dont worrry bout the other part cause no one will prob see that anyway hahaaa
Brannie 4
you're cute :) just saying =] lol
rasellersjr 0
Could be blind... they say it causes that :P
sixtimessix 0
I think the keyword here is "palms" this guy either has tiny hands or an elephant trunk for a penis.
MetalHead93GB 0
144 - unfortunatelly almost every one does, so suck it up (literally) !
FMLRelapse 4
your brothers a dick
KYLAsaysRAWR 0
#142...you and I have the same name :) it's very unusual to find someone with my name; HI!!!
simonsaysYDI 8
144- 99% of the worlds population will admit they **********. 1% of the worlds population are liars. Which are you? =) Now, go read a book. Everyone knows masturbation is healthy.
madarchod 0
144 - then u shud help those single men, they will bless u
bennyboy111 7
y do u need lotion WTF?
glitchedgamer 0
Oompa Loompa Doopity dick Here's an idea that might do the trick When you want to go ********** Just leave the lotion alone for god's sake
xxroseyxx 0
that's hilarious!
cheeseonmyburrit 0
why would you use lotion that's what your foreskin is for
Suds29990 0
And you don't think maybe his brother might have seen that t.v series and thought, hey now theres an idea? I love how people seem to think since it's happened before it will never happen again, even if it was just a t.v show or a movie.
bbuba 0
I'm older than you by 2 weeks. and nice angel of death
Slagathore 0
why is there 2100 that he deserved it and only 700 saying it sucks. so what if he deserved it. it still sucks!!
progrematic 0
Dude... wtf
AngryNinja 1
78's right. This is from Rescue Me. Whether or not OP's lying or OP's brother is a copycat is the real question. Either way, funny as hell. :P
5t3ff1k4h 47
245 - Not every guy has a foreskin.
KylaaKatastrophe 0
157... Oh. I think you took that the wrong way. I didn't intend to insult your paleness. *Facepalm* Pardon my idiotness. 207... Hello. It is, indeed, unusual to happen upon someone with the name Kyla.. Nice to meet you.
ShatteredDreams8 0
230- EPIC WIN!!!
Trichardson 0
don't knock it until you've tried it.
attatood 8
maybe a really dry dick? No precum? Weird. I never need lotion. I put A535 in a buddies vaseline as a prank once though :)
Zebidee 9
Wait until he's asleep, then rub tanning lotion around his mouth. I guarantee he won't say a damn thing about his joke to anyone after that!
TanyaTwoTits 0
Um, most self-tanning lotion isn't tinted. The color appears a few hours after application.
niggatyrone 0
#48, did you happen to read the OP's fucken username?
untoward 0
well if your masturbating so much, probably no one is seeing your penis anyway
krushr 3
This ^
StefanG 0
Or he masturbated once, but it was so furiously that he ended up permanently "Jersey Shore"-ing his dick
KiddNYC1O 22
#2 ftw
Mylees 0
u crack me up lmfao
glambert1998 0
#30. LMFAO at jersey shoreing
kalm23 0
if fml had a like button like Facebook did I would def be hitting that shit :)
boopityboppity 11
92 must not know what the "thumbs up" button means.
WJCool 0
burnn
goldenone 2
It's the one hand's palm that's the fml you idiot.
brennboo 3
there's no "thumbs up" button on the app for the itouch/iPhone
omgpotato 5
burn man burn
Brittaneyyy 0
#30 win lmaoooo
kalm23 0
thank you, as I use the iPhone I had no idea there was a thumbs up button.. k thanks
amayaa_fml 7
Haha just what I was thinking >:)
xxkourtneyxx 0
lol ftw!
RainingAcidSkitt 0
omg!! win
bfavrefan4 1
hope you dont have a gf or she might mistake you for an oompa loompa
IeatzurKat 3
nice
jackii007 0
hahaha ur my hero for saying that xD
cod3rEd 2
maybe he was trying to ********** until someone devastated his spank session...
FYLeveryday 0
looks like he has a "situation"
AssassinsCRB 0
#243 i use a iphone too and i see the button?
7mood75 7
Lucky you
jakii_ 0
its not like you get much anyway, OP i mean, you're a frequent masturbator.. with your special lotion and everything
TheAICore 0
oh gosh.. lucky I never seen one before.
Skiittleez 0
how is he lucky? lol having an orange penis isn't lucky. I feel bad for the guy. haha
texasjalapeno_fml 0
sarcasm
2riteluvonherarm 0
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
hahaha that's what you get for masterbating with tanning lotion:p
Alexitis1 3
ikr !! how would he not notice the difference in color tho? lotion and tan lotion r completely different in colors... haha
lauralea2010 3
actually, ive seen tanning lotion thats white like most other lotions... but it smells completely different than regular lotion lol idk how he didnt notice that
ChrisCTL 0
not only that, but it must be rather embarrassing that his brother knows he jacked off recently, with the orange hands as proof. WIN!
hahaalolz 0
**** flavored condoms, tanning lotion is all the rage! yum yum.....
minty1807 9
I agree with untoward XD it shouldn't really bother you too much op ;)
katieebabyy 0
carrot crotch!
MissaGirl1 9
that's for fingers
MissaGirl1 9
woah there. I meant gingers.
shocka_fml 4
that was a pretty great typo haha
kitgurl100 0
LMFAO
AaronSeal 0
I am actually laughing out loud!
MissaGirl1 9
fifth
7mood75 7
Yup....
CoolAsian 0
fail
cuddlee 0
Seventh actually
cuddlee 0
Seventh actually
Manda_Goes_Rawrr 0
fail. ydi for not having a girlfriend(;
illmatic2 16
Because every guy that has a girlfriend gets laid....
LiL_e7 0
;]
TheWhiteBunny 3
TMI
nikkired 0
Mine get laid quite often
phatdaddy62 23
I have a wife and I flog the log. all guys whack it. if they say they don't , they're liars.
hahaalolz 0
#61 ur fuckingg SEXY! id tap that shit ;)
BethiiGeex 0
agreed 247.
ytgfa 0
#8 is hot
jt525 1
wow fkin Brit chick go suck on some teabags. you might as well scream your ass off you fkin screamo fag. Nuff said. and btw, you're really ugly
lonesomeXheartbr 0
fyl sucks that your penis is gonna go away in a few weeks
steelersfan78 0
^This
Domonator 16
Hands are going too, but with no meat to best, who needs hands?
Domonator 16
not best, I meant "beat"
bigbadtim 7
Good luck getting a girlfriend now.
Quidikic 9
Pun fail...