Today, I got caught shoplifting a toothbrush. I'm flat broke and my roommate used my old one to scrub out her cat's puke stains off the carpet. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, my financial situation is so dire that I tried to steal toilet paper from work. I got caught. FML
Today, I found out my roommate had mistaken my toothbrush for his dog's. So for the last month he's been using my toothbrush on his dog. The dog's favorite meal? Fresh cat poop. FML
Today, I found out that my old roommate used to clean her goldfish bowl with my toothbrush. We lived together for six months. FML
Today, I was moving out of my old place. While walking around to make sure I would get my damage deposit back, I stepped on my roommate's lipstick and smeared it all over the white carpet. Then I tripped on the phone cord and ripped the whole thing out of the wall. FML
Today, after our old roommate left because he was too dirty for us to live with anymore, we found out that our new roommate has "borrowed" our shampoo, towel, toilet paper, liquor, without replacing them. I wish we still only had to clean up. FML
Today, I told my boss I need a scrub brush to properly clean the stairs at my workplace. She gave me an old toothbrush. FML
Today, I got caught trying to steal my own cat back from my neighbor. FML
Today, my roommate finally cleaned her cat's very full litter box. I later found our only good spatula crusted with kitty feces, which she'd left on the kitchen counter for me to find. FML
Today, after a fight, I caught my sister rubbing my toothbrush on the inside of our grimy toilet. This is why I have trust issues. FML
Today, I found out that my little brother has been rubbing my toothbrush in dog shit for the last month because I accidentally broke one of his toys. FML
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Top comments
perdix 31
They'll give you a free toothbrush in jail ;) Make a shiv out of it and cut your roommate when you get out.
Sinamoi 18
Unless you're Aladdin, then it's badass.
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Comments (93)
Ugi 27
You would have been better arguing with your room-mate that she should replace the brush that she ruined than stealing another, I'm afraid!
stormchaser24 24
Should have gone to the dentist, would they give you one for free and toothpaste?
MistaKrista 8
My guess is if they're that broke, they can't afford to go to the dentist.
VeganVampyre 27
Most Canadians have free healthcare - that includes the dentist, depending what you need done. Unless you have a tongue piercing...
nevershoutkendal_fml 11
If you went to a nearby shelter and asked nicely, I'm sure they would have given you one.
LennyComa 39
My Dentist gives free Toothbrushes and Toothpaste
DocBastard 40
And free capital letters, it seems...
CoconutOil 7
If it is one of those 100 dollar automatic toothbrushes, then this is a really bad story.
KiddNYC1O 22
I heard petty theft is the highest crime in Bermuda. Is it also in Canada?
emeraldisle 30
Use your mate's toothbrush.
Enslaved 38
They sell 5 for $1. at the dollar store. No excuse for stealing.
DomDomxoxo 16
What if he doesn't have a dollar?
VeganVampyre 27
Not where I live... Here, everything in the dollar store is a dollar. Or more. :/
Nnycr 4
You won't go to prison (unless you have a habit of stealing toothbrushes) but just use the cat to brush your teeth with until your roomie buys you a new one.
numbersystem 4
Get yourself a meth addiction. Its a teeth-optional lifestyle.
Annies 20
if he can’t afford a toothbrush then how tf will he afford meth