Today, I found out that my wife was having sex with my friend. It turned out that my genius cat realized it wasn't me there and attacked his balls, severely cutting them. I now have to kill my cat and pay for his medical bills to sew his balls back. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I was jerking off when my cat jumped out of nowhere and dug his claws into my shaft. Attempting to knock him away resulted in three nasty gashes… that I now have to explain to my wife. FML
Today, I took my wife's cat to the vet for her yearly check up. I'm finishing the day at the hospital with multiple bite wounds and a deep gash in my leg. My wife chose to comfort her cat instead. FML
Today, I didn't see the cat in the bathroom before I took my pants down, and the beast tore open my ballsack. The doctor says I might lose my left testicle, depending on how the surgery goes. FML
Today, my roommate thought it would be funny to throw my cat in the bathtub while I was in it. I had to go to the emergency room to get my penis stitched up. FML
Today, despite me not liking cats, which my wife knew, she got a cat anyway. Her cat went for a walk outside and was hit by a car. I rushed outside to help the cat but found she was already dead, and the culprit had driven away. When my wife found out that her cat was dead, she thought I'd killed her. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I slept naked after a great night together. I awoke to a sharp pain in my penis and found our cat trying a new scratching post. FML
Today, my husband staggered home after a night of drinking. He was too intoxicated to find the toilet so he started to pee in the cat's litter box. Apparently, he was invading her territory and she attacked him. His scream as she bit and scratched him must have woken the whole world. FML
Today, I was having a romantic evening with my new boyfriend, until we walked into my bedroom and discovered that my cat had ripped apart my pads and had spread them all over the place. FML
Today, my cat was sleeping on me while I was laying in bed. I had to use the washroom, so I pushed him off. Except he used my testicles as a way to latch on to me, through my underwear. Let's just say, after having to change the sheets due to blood, I'm considering wearing a jockstrap. FML
Today, my wife and I had to rush our dog to the vet for a $700 emergency surgery. The x-ray showed that he had eaten a vibrating cock ring. I've never bought or owned one, so now I've got to deal with the vet bill and lawyer's fees for my soon-to-be ex-wife. FML
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Top comments
Murn 0
That cat is a hero.
frenchmanfresh_fml 5
Genius cat !
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Comments (522)
saveyourcoat 0
I made this account just to ask you to try to save your cat...
ohthebloodygore 16
33, is that why your account is named 'saveyourcoat'?
Sparkadelic 4
Oh! You're good!
unidentified_sta 5
Was "saveyourcat" taken or does stylin' take priority over cats?
willielikesmonke 0
sue his ass for traumatizing the cat! he'll never be the same kitty again I tell you! oh boowhoo! woe is me....
Phoenix1023 3
too bad your name says coat
perdix 31
So, the pussy who defended your pussy has to die and you feel like you need to pay for your pussy's heroic act? I think you, sir, are the biggest pussy in the story.
pitineo_fml 0
you don't get it : his friend is sueing him and the law requires euthanasia for the cat and repaiment of physical damages.
perdix 31
You're not from around here, are ya? Here in Texas, if a man is ******* your wife in your house, his balls have no legal protection from any harm inflicted upon them by any mammal. Look it up. It's not in the Texas Penal Code -- it's in the Texas Penile Code.
PrincessNothing 0
Oh the irony. "Here, I came into your home, betrayed your trust, slept with your wife, and probably scared the living daylights out of your cat in the process. Because he attacked me, thus killing the mood and damaging the goods defiling your wife and trust I'm going to sue you for damages and have your cat killed. Sorry friend. :) "
therealsuperman 0
your cat is a hero and you sarcastically call it a genius? and you're going to have it killed? everyone in this story except the cat deserves to be castrated
OneEyedZombie 0
I don't think he was being sarcastic.
Lizz7 0
I also think it wasn't sarcastic, but I do appreciate the bit about having everyone castrated. Except maybe OP and of course the kitty. >^.^
NostalgiaFreak9 43
Some states have laws where if an animal attacks a person, it has to be put down, which is stupid, because the asshole was ******* OP's wife and the cat gave him what he deserved. OP's also shouldn't have to pay for that asshole's medical bills too.
amayaa_fml 7
since you're married, she could pay for it, she's the one who uses them
zoone_fml 1
she`s probably the one that wanted the cat in the first place(be funny as hell if it was)
notsoluckypup 12
News Headline of the Day: Hero Cat Dies For Attacking The Wrong (But Right) Guys Testicles. Details Below... Poor cat and poor you ... me sowwy, OP :(
dudeitsdanny 10
I kind of hope that you don't write these for a living..
numnut 3
brilliant.. sorry about your cat though.... you should put it on "animal Miracles"
Zebidee 9
I'd make him take me to court for the expenses, not to fight it, but just to have him stand up in a room full of people and tell that story out loud.
RCizzle65 3
Hahahaha good idea
lidemocr 0
amen
rairai 14
That is brilliant
mrjmaster1234 0
ouch
perdix 31
I'm sure your cat was alarmed (and your wife was amazed) by the appearance of a decent pair of balls at your house after being subjected for all these years to your tiny pair of undescended wrinkly raisins.
lil_miss_piss 2
Ball size has no relevance to the size of the dick, and the dick is the part that matters of the two fyi. Every single one of your posts make you sound like a completely chauvinistic prick (pun intended). I bet my balls are still bigger than yours honey, because if what you say is correct, you don't have any AND you're the biggest dick in Texas.
draobetaks 8
Amazing guard cat :)