Today, I took my wife's cat to the vet for her yearly check up. I'm finishing the day at the hospital with multiple bite wounds and a deep gash in my leg. My wife chose to comfort her cat instead. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I took my cat to the vet. As the vet reached to examine him, he hissed, then clawed me instead, and then ran straight into a wall. Now we’re both sitting at the vet's, scowling and injured. FML
Today, despite me not liking cats, which my wife knew, she got a cat anyway. Her cat went for a walk outside and was hit by a car. I rushed outside to help the cat but found she was already dead, and the culprit had driven away. When my wife found out that her cat was dead, she thought I'd killed her. FML
Today, I took my cat to the vet for a regular check-up. In the waiting room, she escaped from her carrier and created chaos, knocking over supplies, and hissing at everyone. FML
Today, I saved a kitten from the streets, cleaned her up and asked the vet what I should do with her because she was the sweetest thing and my cat has a highly contagious illness. The vet had to put her down. FML
Today, I had to take my cat to the vet. On the way there, he managed to get out of his cage, climb into the front seat, onto my chest, and howl in my face as I tried to drive down the highway. I ended up with stitches and still got charged for missing my cat's appointment. FML
Today, my husband's cat died. He has resorted to calling me by her name to comfort himself. FML
Today, I spat up blood and had horrible chest pain. My mom still made me go to school, claiming she needed to take the cat to the vet instead of taking me to the doctor. FML
Today, I got home and found my wife cuddling with the dog and our new kitten. Both the cat and my wife hissed at me when I tried to join in. FML
Today, she did it again. While I was minding my own business reading the paper, she casually walked up to me and slashed my face with her nails, drawing blood and screams of pain. I need to get out of this abusive relationship, but no one will adopt my asshole of a cat. FML
Today, I gave my wife a cat. The first thing it did when it got out of the box was scratch the shit out of my leg. Next, it ran up to my wife and purred. She said, "Good cat." FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
DocBastard 40
For ****'s sake, people! How many trite, overused goddamned pussy jokes are you people going to make? New material! NOW!
Ambient25 25
Well sounds like you're not getting or playing with any pussy tonight...
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (86)
firepanda11 7
What a pussy
LightningCactus 12
You're a lucky man! You have two ******* to play with!
Cheeley 17
34- He sure does, it just seems as though one of them is a little too rough.
Danielle7994 18
It seems like they both treated him poorly
Ambient25 25
Well sounds like you're not getting or playing with any pussy tonight...
brammerderambam 8
Bring it back to te vet again and come back with a dog ;)
sux4u121 10
Come back with a pelt.
Ambient25 25
A pelt or dog, both work. Preferably a Husky though :)
klimpomppp 9
Husky & exquisite feline pelt bed. Problem solving like a sir
noelasis94 18
You should have sang pussy cat pussy cat I love you yes I do, the cat might have only bit you once.
Ambient25 25
or "cat, I'm a kitty cat, and I dance dance dance and I dance dance dance"
kmccain 27
or "soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur. Happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr, purr, purr."
Ambient25 25
or "and the cat's in the cradle and the silver spoon, little boy blue and the man on the moon"
Knightchaser27 25
But the cat isn't sick
NickaPLZ 26
A woman's love for her cat is strong.
SpicyDuck 22
Poor kitty ):
Prolux_fml 23
56 - Why "Poor kitty"? It's with it's owner at home. What a rough life.
Kalipczo 21
What can I say? She wants the pussy.
ThePsyche 9
Next time, forget to come back with the cat.
Adula 14
That cat is her baby.
Wizardo 34
What can we say, she loves her pussy more than a dick...
Ambient25 25
a moment of silence for our fallen comrade
DocBastard 40
For ****'s sake, people! How many trite, overused goddamned pussy jokes are you people going to make? New material! NOW!
Ambient25 25
Hey man we're limited by creativity lol
ThePsyche 9
Seriously, these ****** jokes aren't funny, period.
Wizardo 34
Yo Doc, you glad you're not training to become a gynaecologist?
Ambient25 25
Nice one Psyche
Pleonasm 36
Thank goodness someone around here is setting things straight.
ManInTheMachine 20
New material? Okay, here it goes... I'd like to paws and apologize, OP, for your wife's complete disregard fur your feelings. Purr-haps she didn't realize you got injured? Or maybe she was lion about being with her cat, and is really cheetahng on you? I'd say you have tabby open to all possibilities. Still, I hope you'll be feline better soon. ..that's all I've got, I'm all out of puns.
Ambient25 25
A little Liger on the cat references and this would have been purr-fect
gc327072 31
Ehh MITM, we have a lot of puns too, but in the wake of all the pussy jokes, that's much better.
ThePsyche 9
I was just kitten, Doc. I apawlogize if I offended anyone, claws frankly I'm a very nice purrson.
JadeWinter 16
*claps hands* that was thoroughly entertaining! Love it :P
klimpomppp 9
Doc, what did you expect
perdix 31
#12, Today, I almost killed something about 20 times my size that would have given me fresh meat for about 3 months. It got away and it's mate insists on stroking me. FML. or In Soviet Russia, pussy eats man!
Ambient25 25
stop
Wimoweh 10
drop
abrookec2011 14
And roll.
alchemist27 13
I think I love 29