Today, I caught my girlfriend Googling how to uninstall Siri. I asked why she wanted to do that, and she said, "I don't like it. I don't like how the slut talks to you." I get the feeling I'll need a gun when I break up with this crazy fucker. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, like most days, my mom screamed at me for not knowing the answer to one of her random questions. When I told her she could easily Google it or ask Siri, she went full nuclear meltdown and raged, "I’m not asking that bitch Siri, I’m asking YOU!" The words "batshit crazy" come to mind. FML
Today, my girlfriend threatened to break up with me because I don't like her Facebook statuses enough. FML
Today, I found out one of my girlfriend's recent Google searches was, "Should I admit to cheating or just dump him?" FML
Today, my girlfriend came up to me to ask me to have access to my Google account, just so she could delete all my photos then break up with me, saying I was in the wrong. She thought it was disrespectful for me to have a life outside of her. FML
Today, I bought my girlfriend an iPhone. I preloaded it with a bunch of cool apps and stuff and spent a lot and money. She used it to send a text to me 3 hours later saying that she thought we should break up. FML
Today, I called my girlfriend saying "I think we need to break up." She said "No, I don't think so," and hung up. FML
Today, I broke up with my girlfriend. She responded by sitting on the floor, crying like a baby and screaming "WHY?" at strangers. FML
Today, my girlfriend dumped me for refusing to stop talking to my female best friend. When I pointed out that my friend's a lesbian, she said, "How the hell does that change anything?" I have no idea why I'm not happy to be rid of that paranoid imbecile. FML
Today, my girlfriend caught me using Tinder behind her back and now she wants to break up with me. I begged her to stay, but now we're kinda in between a friendship and a relationship. FML
Today, I dumped my girlfriend because she frequently wouldn't answer my texts or phone calls, and not call or message back for days. I felt that bringing it up made me a control freak. I couldn't take it anymore. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
LunaaBluee 27
If you've begun to call her a 'crazy ******' then maybe you should break up with her now.
MrSassypants 34
Maybe you shouldn't have told Siri to call you by the name "Sex Machine".
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (106)
3molliver3 16
One word: Run.
chillandfun 12
And don't look back.
Erebus_Terror 12
Into your arms?
blazingshot147 19
Many years of anime have taught me that running never works, they usually find you. There is no escape!
MrSassypants 34
Maybe you shouldn't have told Siri to call you by the name "Sex Machine".
Tthug 34
My roommate's iPhone calls him Saigon *****.
jake_braves 25
My brother's calls him Bilbo Baggins..except he's not short.
barfcannon 24
Watch out with that because i applied to a million jobs and got no response because my email said it was from Lord Scappin
mstoock 12
#39 Ohh my god, crap really? I got mine to call me 'Boss Ass Bitch' ....
emmalouise89 16
wow sorry op she's crazy
Cupcake040 17
Well whenever do you break up with her put on of those dog trackers on you at all times so your friends and family know what basement shes holding you in.
Jasim 17
And the award for the Overly Attached Girlfriend of the year goes to...
vreid 20
Siri
HarleyBlues 24
Well, her voice does sound pretty erotic.
LunaaBluee 27
If you've begun to call her a 'crazy ******' then maybe you should break up with her now.
Som3Rand0mGam3r 9
he needs a gun first '-'
jake_braves 25
7, that's what I was thinking too.
Brandi_Faith 34
I agree 7, why bother putting it off and holding a crazy person around?
photographer49 22
#7 But be honest, after hearing that, would you be in a rush to break up with her?
Iceberg86300 14
Thought the same exact thing. HOPEFULLY the “when I break up with her” means he intends to do swiftly after making his escape plan, which I really hope doesn't include a gun. That's a recipe for spending the rest of your life in jail. Probably 99.9% joking, but hey, this is FML. So some advice for the not so bright bulbs out there: NEVER buy a gun in preparation for a volatile situation when you can avoid physically putting yourself in said situation altogether. However, using this FML as example, if she's a gun nut then by all means go arm yourself, but still stay the hell away from her and use any means except a face to face for the breakup.
Devindelon 17
Siri is quite the temptress.
thespiantess 18
OP's girlfriend might have taken the movie "Her" a bit too seriously.
CaliCassanova 14
You know Siri wants it she's all locked up in that phone, just waiting for you to let her out so she can stretch her legs hahaha
AnthraxPrincess 18
And spread them, apparently.
cccook1547 14
On a serious note, I told Siri "**** you" and she said "yes please"
laden_swallow09 35
"I'm sorry, but I'm not that kind of assistant." "There's no need for that." "Now, now." What iOS version do you have? Either you're a liar, or my game with electronics is shot to hell.
DA_JUDGE123 21
You need to pull out now man. She sounds like a crazy bitch