thespiantess

Boredom

Today, I was going down on a girl. When I looked up she was texting. FML

Caught in 4K

Today, I found out that when I masturbate at night while watching internet porn I cast a huge shadow on the curtain and the entire street is able to see it. FML

Today, I took the bus to work. A sweet old lady got on after and sat next to me. Halfway there, she fell asleep, her head on my shoulder. I gently tried to wake her up before my stop. She wasn't sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30 minutes. FML

Today, I went to see a movie. After getting my seat, I went out to get food. Coming back, I saw the security guard. Thinking he would ask me for my ticket, I moved all the food to one hand to get the ticket in my pocket. I spilled it all. He didn't ask to see it. FML

The passenger

Today, I was in the bathroom defecating when I felt something hanging there. I reached back with toilet paper and starting pulling it out inch by inch; 3 feet later I learned I had a tapeworm. Worst of all, no pharmacy has the med the doctor prescribed. I have to live with this thing until the med gets here. FML

Today, after shoveling one guy's steps, sidewalk, and driveway for two hours straight, I went to ask for my money. He said, "Work is its own reward!" and shut the door in my face. FML

Today, my mother-in-law visited the house while my husband and I were at work. When we returned, we discovered she'd shredded and thrown away all the scribbled on papers sprawled on our messy desks. We're graphics designers. Those were rough sketches for about 14 different clients. FML

Today, I was trying to be sexy and rub my boyfriend's un-aroused package while we were watching a movie. I couldn't find it. FML

Today, for the third time this week, a random person in the street walked up to me and told me how much I look like Grumpy Cat. FML

Today, I was studying for my Spanish midterm nonstop. After I closed my book, I was so tired that I thought that my cat was asking me questions in Spanish. FML

Today, I slept on the plane ride home and had a scary nightmare. I started screaming in my dream, so loud that it shocked the old lady sitting next to me into screaming as well. The whole plane began laughing as we were both screaming. FML

Today, the guy I've been seeing for a few months told me he couldn't stay overnight because his mom would yell at him for not coming home. We're both 30 and I didn't know he still lived at home. FML

Today, hours after being turned down for sex, I woke up to my boyfriend sitting at the computer, jacking off to a picture of my deceased mom. FML

Today, I got drunk at a party. I didn't want my parents to know, so I took out my phone, called my parents, and asked them not to tell them I'm drunk. FML

Punished

Today, my mother walked in on me watching porn. As punishment, she sat down and made me watch the rest of it with her as she gave play-by-play commentary. FML