Today, frustrated that my boyfriend never gives me any orgasms when we make love, I tried politely hinting that he needs to improve. To start with, I said maybe he should be more spontaneous in bed. He replied, "What, like putting it in your ass? Gotcha." Great. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Attempting to make things a little more exciting, I said in my sexiest voice, "Oh yeah, harder." My boyfriend who apparently doesn't like talking dirty, pulled out and angrily said, "I was trying, what more do you want?" FML
Today, I was patiently explaining to my boyfriend what I liked in bed, after several weeks of unsatisfactory sex. He snapped at me and said, "80% of women fake their orgasms. Why can't you?" FML
Today, in an attempt to spice things up a bit, my boyfriend and I discovered he takes it in the butt better than I do. FML
Today, I felt frisky, so I went over to my boyfriend's place, hoping to have some fun. I brought over a movie, and part-way through it, I started feeling him up. He responded by sighing, "That's really fucking annoying, babe. Cut it out, yeah?" FML
Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend about the importance of foreplay, and that attempting to get me "in the mood" by whipping his cock out and air humping was roughly equivalent to throwing a dry teabag at me and claiming he made a cup of tea. FML
Today, my boyfriend got mad at me when his so-called "ways to turn me on" didn't work. What were these ways? Flicking my nips and inserting his finger in my belly button. FML
Today, my boyfriend has so many hang ups about being good at sex that when we actually had sex for the first time this morning, he got upset that I was touching my clit while he was inside me. Apparently it was a sign I think he’s bad at it, and had to do it myself. Neither of us orgasmed today. FML
Today, I finally made my fiancé orgasm with oral without his help. He asked me what I did differently. It turns out, I was just sad and depressed because he hasn’t made the effort to make me orgasm in months. I can’t ask without feeling like I’m intruding on his busy schedule. FML
Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. I went slowly to build up the excitement, and I thought it was working really well, until he sighed, "For fuck's sake, it's a dick, not a shotgun." and told me to stop embarrassing him. FML
Today, I was giving my boyfriend a handjob for the first time. It took ages for him to get excited, and in the end the only thing that blew up was him, saying, "Oh my god, just stop it already." FML
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Top comments
glowbaby 15
How understanding he is!
smokecloud_ 37
Ouch. Maybe be a little more clear on what you mean by "spontaneous".
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Comments (129)
metalhead88 9
Hey if it works go for it
Meaniebobeanie 26
Stop 'making love' and have real sex.
Degenerate4ever 4
As a guy I can tell you that you should never tell a guy to be more spontaneous because we immediately go to stuff we've seen in ****. It's not your fault just with guys you HAVE to be specific.
CoriCat 25
If he's not satisfying you enough, and you want him to, let him watch you do it yourself so he can get an idea of what you like
devildog3766 3
be careful what you wish for!!!
worldclassrager 41
I think a vibrator will do you well...
buckdharma 38
Show him just how hot your hot pocket can get. Set your microwave on high until your incredible heat radiates his frozen center. Then scald him with your red-hot cheese.
happyfingers 15
Guess you should have been more specific. lol
pensacolalady 10
I've been married 30 yrs., never talk about sex in the bedroom! Maybe you need a new boyfriend if he's that uncaring!
jaellin 18
Glad I'm not married to you, sheesh. "Never talk about sex in the bedroom"??!!?? Obviously him guessing isn't working, her hinting isn't working. I haven't been married 30 years, but I do know from experience that speaking up in the bedroom gets you what you want.
myusername23 17
How have you been married 30 years and not talked about sex. My guess is you never get what you want.
badluckalex 23
maybe youre the one doing something wrong..