Today, frustrated that my boyfriend never gives me any orgasms when we make love, I tried politely hinting that he needs to improve. To start with, I said maybe he should be more spontaneous in bed. He replied, "What, like putting it in your ass? Gotcha." Great. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Attempting to make things a little more exciting, I said in my sexiest voice, "Oh yeah, harder." My boyfriend who apparently doesn't like talking dirty, pulled out and angrily said, "I was trying, what more do you want?" FML
Today, I was patiently explaining to my boyfriend what I liked in bed, after several weeks of unsatisfactory sex. He snapped at me and said, "80% of women fake their orgasms. Why can't you?" FML
Today, in an attempt to spice things up a bit, my boyfriend and I discovered he takes it in the butt better than I do. FML
Today, I felt frisky, so I went over to my boyfriend's place, hoping to have some fun. I brought over a movie, and part-way through it, I started feeling him up. He responded by sighing, "That's really fucking annoying, babe. Cut it out, yeah?" FML
Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend about the importance of foreplay, and that attempting to get me "in the mood" by whipping his cock out and air humping was roughly equivalent to throwing a dry teabag at me and claiming he made a cup of tea. FML
Today, my boyfriend got mad at me when his so-called "ways to turn me on" didn't work. What were these ways? Flicking my nips and inserting his finger in my belly button. FML
Today, my boyfriend has so many hang ups about being good at sex that when we actually had sex for the first time this morning, he got upset that I was touching my clit while he was inside me. Apparently it was a sign I think he’s bad at it, and had to do it myself. Neither of us orgasmed today. FML
Today, I finally made my fiancé orgasm with oral without his help. He asked me what I did differently. It turns out, I was just sad and depressed because he hasn’t made the effort to make me orgasm in months. I can’t ask without feeling like I’m intruding on his busy schedule. FML
Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. I went slowly to build up the excitement, and I thought it was working really well, until he sighed, "For fuck's sake, it's a dick, not a shotgun." and told me to stop embarrassing him. FML
Today, I was giving my boyfriend a handjob for the first time. It took ages for him to get excited, and in the end the only thing that blew up was him, saying, "Oh my god, just stop it already." FML
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Top comments
glowbaby 15
How understanding he is!
smokecloud_ 37
Ouch. Maybe be a little more clear on what you mean by "spontaneous".
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Comments (129)
Isa_fml 20
Learn what you like on your own, if you haven't already. It'll be fun. Then you can pass the knowledge on to him! Communication is so important for good sex. Good luck. <3
MinnieMinx 5
Turn it around on him, grab a toy and tell him to bend over
josiemorehouse 12
Maybe instead of just hinting, you can just bring in some toys? Most women don't ****** through regular sex only. Add some kink, vibrating toys, etc. And don't completely say no to anal, maybe some play in that area will enhance your pleasure. And for those who are saying to tell her boyfriend he's not doing a good enough job, I think that's wrong. Guys are sensitive about that as much as women. OP should bring up adding some toys, maybe try a dom/sub role play where she is in charge so she can tell her guy how to please her. Trade off dom/sub roles. Good luck, OP!!
frizz101 22
I've never met a woman who enjoys anal.
Nakoma_fml 10
#37, I love it!! As long as there's lube anyway. . .
Jemm_fml 29
I seriously don't get why #30's being voted down. She's totally right.
Raesin 21
#37 I do... I actually can't ****** without it.. it's quite frustrating.
DrownedMyFish 18
Great idea! Adding a donkey into the mix will definitely spice up your sex life!
magickitten 26
Brilliant!
zephyrnok 9
I don't see why not!
jpallan 3
The Dan Savage solution is called for here. DTMFA.
beaverteaser 16
what what, in the butt.
Stardew 19
And you didn't say "No, that isn't what I meant."? If not, then the surprise buttsex is your fault.
ksks1234 33
I read brother instead of boyfriend at first. I was a little grossed out there for a second.
hazardmuffin 21
If you're in an intimate relationship, you ought to be able to talk openly about it. I understand you might not want to hurt his feelings, but if you can't speak up and tell him what you want, I'm sorry, but you're not going to get it. If you're frustrated, tell him you're frustrated. It's not his fault he doesn't know how to please you properly if you've never told him. I don't get how some people are totally cool with getting naked and mashing their squishy bits together, but aren't comfortable with talking about their likes and dislikes.
Jemm_fml 29
Well you did say spontaneous, not tender or romantic. Plus wut wut in the butt is pretty awesome.