Today, as I was getting ready to go to the midnight premiere of the new Spiderman movie, I was actually bitten by a spider. He gets super powers and a hot girl, I swell up like a balloon and get to spend the night in the hospital. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my son wanted to be Spiderman. He found the biggest spider he could outside and let it bite his hand. He's staying overnight in the hospital. FML
Today, I had a dream that I was swinging through New York City as my favorite hero, Spider-Man. I was almost immediately beaten to death by a mugger. I suck even in my dreams. FML
Today, I went to a comic shop to celebrate Free Comic Book Day. A guy in a really nice Spider-Man costume showed up, so I asked and got a selfie with him on my way out. When I got home, I realized my wallet was missing from my back pocket. I was robbed by Spider-Man. FML
Today, I'm recovering in the emergency room. How did I get here? Intoxicated at a coed party, I saw a hole in the host's shed and thought it funny to christen it a "glory-hole", only to be bitten by what may well have been a black widow spider. FML
Today, a spider crawled across my arm. After a quick dance in a fit of panic, I managed to scramble onto my bed. I thought I would stand up to see if I could spot the spider and maybe kill it. I was then promptly knocked unconscious by my ceiling fan. FML
Today, I woke up to a spider crawling across my face. I was so shocked that my new house had spiders, I jumped up out of bed, only to slip on the floor and land face down onto the bed. Wouldn't you know it, right where the spider was at that point. I can still taste the juice I squished out of it. FML
Today, I went through the nightmare of having to go to my doctor so he could remove a living spider from my nasal cavity. FML
Today, I had the opportunity to taste a live spider by walking into its web in the dark. FML
Today, while showering at my boyfriend's house early this morning, I saw a huge black spider on the wall. I'm allergic to spiders, so in my disorientation I ran out of the shower screaming, slipped, sprained my wrist, and bruised my tailbone. Turns out the spider was a clump of hair. My hair. FML
Today, I had to do a "damage report" on myself after going to the midnight premiere of Harry Potter. As I was waiting for the previews, a 20 year old man dressed as a house elf tackled and wrestled me for my seat. FML
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Top comments
TheDrifter 24
Quick, add radiation, you might be able to get some super powers out of it yet.
saIty 17
Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na-Na... Spider human balllooooooooonnnn!
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Comments (114)
kitties_fml 12
YDI for going to the midnight premiere of Spiderman...he is the lamest ****** superhero. "waaaahhh, I'm Peter Parker, I try soooo hard but I just can't keep up with taking pictures and going to school and helping people. waaaah!" Try some Batman, bro. Bruce Wayne is a goddamn boss.
patsl 2
Batman is cool and will set records at the box office, but don't you EVER, EVER talk about my favorite superhero (spiderman). But Batman is my 2nd favorite, and his movie DOES look better, bu TASM is really true to the first few comics, and is a really good movie (best Spidey one yet).
patsl 2
Oh and he's not like THAT, but he has problems that make him a pretty relatable superhero (besides, you know, being spiderman.), unlike rich Bruce Wane (I may have spelled that wrong) who gets everything.
havemercy25 5
Karmas a bitch
DJKAYREZZ 4
Why must this be so funny