Today, I'm recovering in the emergency room. How did I get here? Intoxicated at a coed party, I saw a hole in the host's shed and thought it funny to christen it a "glory-hole", only to be bitten by what may well have been a black widow spider. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I was in the bathroom at a party when I noticed a spider the size of a golf ball on the toilet paper roll. I screamed, tripped over my own feet trying to flee, and fell right into the bathtub. Everyone at the party heard. FML
Today, after getting home from being in the field for a week, my wife who's a nurse, convinced me I had a spider bite on my penis. After rushing to the ER and standing nude in a cold exam room while the ER staff checked me out, I learned it's just an ingrown hair. FML
Today, while showering at my boyfriend's house early this morning, I saw a huge black spider on the wall. I'm allergic to spiders, so in my disorientation I ran out of the shower screaming, slipped, sprained my wrist, and bruised my tailbone. Turns out the spider was a clump of hair. My hair. FML
Today, my boyfriend had to be hospitalized to drain poison from a bad spider bite. His mom is convinced that he got it from my house and won't let him come over anymore. I suppose she's right, because guess who found a spider web under their bed today, along with 5 new spider bites? FML
Today, my skin was turning black, and I believed I was reacting to a spider bite. I spent 4 hours waiting in an emergency room in the middle of the night, paid a $100 copay, and missed a night with my boyfriend just to have a doctor wipe dye from my brand new black jeans off with alcohol. FML
Today, I went through the nightmare of having to go to my doctor so he could remove a living spider from my nasal cavity. FML
Today, I woke up to a spider crawling across my face. I was so shocked that my new house had spiders, I jumped up out of bed, only to slip on the floor and land face down onto the bed. Wouldn't you know it, right where the spider was at that point. I can still taste the juice I squished out of it. FML
Today, after a night of drinking, I woke up in the hospital with a broken coccyx. Apparently, my drunk self came to the glorious conclusion that it would be a good idea to cannonball into a puddle while screaming "POOLPARTYYYY!" at the top of my lungs. FML
Today, I woke up and coughed up the spider I thought I'd killed last night. FML
Today, I woke to find a pool of my own blood all over my pillow. Frantic to find the source of the blood, I rushed into the bathroom and tripped over my too-long pajama pants. Crashing to the floor face first, I broke my nose. Turns out I had just bitten my lip in the middle of the night. FML
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Top comments
Harpy20 24
Don't stick your dick in dirty holes. Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to a doctor.
ks23 9
I feel bad for the spider. Who knows what you gave him seeing as you stick your dick in anything
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Comments (181)
louiserosen 4
I actually feel bad for you. Get better soon!
_Oblivion_ 12
You got off easy. Imagine if it was shredded metal in that hole from something stabbing the shed.
Jonaahhhh 12
Spiderman, Spiderman...
LolFMLnot 10
Spiderman spiderman take OP to the garbage can, okay i am done.
TourettesGuyFTW 26
As the saying goes; no guts, no glory!
dupot420 9
That mother ****** deserved it. Never put your tool in somewhere you don't know what's on the other side.
jjessen 20
(insert funny **** biting joke)
fkingstooge 0
LOL hahaha that's the funniest thing. Was your penis swollen/purple/blue/itchy/cast around it/no more sex for you in a couple of weeks/what brah
reddawn1985 12
Will they have to cut it off?
klovemachine 24
I've never heard a drunk story end in a good way :O
sens3sfailing 25
..so there I was, wasted off my ass and then...joe Cuban comes out of nowhere and gives me good stock advice, and I promptly followed it and doubled my portfolio! He also offered me a bunch of stuff for my diet Mountain Dew...didn't have the heart to tell him it was just whiskey...
botanistjessica 24
117, it's disturbing you wish to know all of those details.
dramaelf 37
I do hope you know you deserved this.
TourettesGuyFTW 26
^There's a button for that.
Jjgibbs 5
Op- it happens to the best of us
bazzer69 3
Op- it really doesn't happen to the best of us
HKCgrimmjow 15
Just to finish this off, OP, it happens to some of the best of us
tehcyberman 9
I can honestly tell you that this has never happened to me, and I'm not even the best. So no, it doesn't happen to the best of us.
Jjgibbs 5
Well good sir, i am indubitably the best, and i has indeed happened to me a time or twenty, therefore using my precise mathematical algorithms i can determine that it does happen to the best of us
dead247 13
So you stick your dick in random holes and get bit by random creatures?
unknown_user5566 27
How can you not deserve this? Are glory holes EVER a good idea?
netdemon 11
How are they ever NOT a good idea?
yankfan89 27
Apparently when you get bit by a black widow spider.
unknown_user5566 27
25- When you stick your dick through and sustain a bite from a Black Widow. The idea of a glory hole is disgusting, anyway. I don't see the appeal in having a random stranger get you off; you have no idea where their mouth has been.
Death_Hoe_Inn 10
28- Or if that mouth is female or male
RvidxrKlvn 8
Or if they're human
TheDrifter 24
Treat it as a game. It's like playing name that disease with your genitals. On a side note, whether the shed was steel or wood, the hole itself could have caused serious injury.
MsMourningStar 22
It doesn't have to be a stranger. I've gone with my fiancé and we each went into a separate room and it was amazing. You just have to be more open minded about your sex life to enjoy such things I guess.
onlychildFTW 34
You have to be open to strangeness and kinkiness to enjoy a glory hole.
TheRapeTrain 0
I have seen a comment on like every FML ever by you kyleekay.
Carmstro 13
28- related story, once a guy did the glory hole thing in a stall in a men's washroom, walked out, and his dad came out of that stall...
onlychildFTW 34
138 - where'd you hear that? That seems far fetched.
MsMourningStar 22
Well yes 72, that's kind of the point. Vanilla's wouldn't go near a glory hole.
Carmstro 13
152- it could have easily been a coincidence. A very disturbing coincidence.
skittle_QUEEN_YO 15
Or if they even have a mouth.... All dat slenderman assssss...... XD
Harpy20 24
Don't stick your dick in dirty holes. Never do anything that you wouldn't want to explain to a doctor.
Noxialis 10
Pretty solid guideline to live by, #4. The doctor part.
negb 30
My new motto...
Inheritance 10
Always ask your doctor if its right for you!
alycion 39
It was a one in a million shot doc, one in a million.
WritingWrongs 8
-75, Love the Seinfeld reference, haha!
Sandman366 6
Well, if your doctor is DocBastard, then OP probably isn't the worst case to be heard of.
dupot420 9
Damn you fine as ****.
ardencred 7
What if OP is a girl?
Harpy20 24
164-are you retarded?
brackaman 18
164 That was one of the few times my jaw has dropped just from pure stupidity.
rinzlerkitty94 31
#164 I gave that a thumbs up only because I laughed so hard I vomited after reading that.
ks23 9
I feel bad for the spider. Who knows what you gave him seeing as you stick your dick in anything
Sandsh8rk 36
Yeah, that bites.
klovemachine 24
"spider dies after biting dick" is a headline you won't find in any newspaper :)
sartrow 8
Black WIDOW, not a him, but good comment :)
Shadowvoid 33
I see that as a widow problem, but you will be ok. In spider your actions, you will hopefully recover soon.
txbelle210 5
Your play on words is actually quite clever
Shadowvoid 33
Thank you, sir or madam
Pretty_reckless_fml 18
Hole-d on a sec OP, maybe you shed think about the consequences of your actions beforehand :P
lmbachman 23
lol shadowvoid--best response yet!!
Queen_of_Night 20
This wouldn't have happened had he been more recluse.
Shadowvoid 33
If there had been a brown recluse involved... Well, his "member" may fall off and no longer be a member of his body.
Shadowvoid 33
77- have you read my responses before? Usually they are hidden in 5-10 seconds...
MedKits 9
I want to say YDI, but I can't. No one deserves to have their dick bitten by a spider.
fuzion50 6
#21 you obviously don't understand cuz ur not a guy. I don't wanna sound sexist, but spider-dick is a ****-shriveling terror.
Link7130 4
Not the brightest crayon in the box are you?
SurfSnowSkate7 7
Or should you say, not the sharpest tool in the shed.
lmbachman 23
Yes! That's awesome!
Sandman366 6
Sharpest knife in the drawer, brightest bulb in the pack...I've heard of those. Brightest crayon, however, is a new one...
yoyoyowhatup 11
How does the coed part have anything to do with it?
sammisweets93 12
usually a straight male wants a girl, maybe idk what it has to do.
unknown_user5566 27
Assuming OP is a male, it was probably meant to imply that he didn't want another dude to be on the opposite end of the glory hole.
ks23 9
The op is male. Considering he has a dick to stick in a glory hole
doctorhook86 25
What people are forgetting is that glory holes started as a way for gay men to have random sex in bathrooms.
CallMeMcFeelii 14
I didn't forget that 89, why else do you think I have a hole cut out in my bathroom door? Haha.
chickenflem 8
So no one answered 9. I was wondering the same thing. How would this be different if it were a all guys party and OP was gay? That wouldn't stop him from getting intoxicated and sticking his penis into the hole.
ChaoticBacon 6
How did your comment have anything to do with this post? Hmm, yoyo?
kleider1 9
Why!? That's a stupid thing to do. You should count yourself lucky for bot ending up dead if it was a black widow
TheOnlyKittyKat 15
Actually you have a 99% chance of surviving a black widow bite.
kleider1 9
I didn't know that. And I didn't think I was gonna learn anything today.