Today, my new boyfriend and I got intimate for the first time. He started whispering in my ear, but I couldn't understand him. He pushed me away and ignored me the rest of the night. Apparently it's a huge turn-off that I can't talk dirty in Klingon. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I learned that no matter how much of a nerd a girl claims to be, she is not ready for you to speak Klingon during sex. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. I was getting pretty horny, and I thought some dirty talk would turn him on. Amid my panting, I breathed the words, "Fuck me." He then stopped and said, "Excuse me, I don't like hearing that language." and wouldn't continue until I corrected myself. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I attempted sexting for the first time. After about twenty minutes of Star Wars references, I gave up. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that we could try living out one of his fantasies. When I showed up ready to go, he began playing the theme song to Star Trek and asked me to call him Mr. Spock. FML
Today, as my boyfriend and I were getting intimate, I asked him if he was going to fuck my brains out and make me his dumb little cock sleeve. He said, "That's kind of degrading, isn't it?" Instant mood kill. Never date a man who can't talk dirty. FML
Today, my boyfriend asked me to try humming during a blow job. He seemed to like it at first, but apparently, "I'll Make a Man Out of You" from Mulan wasn't a good choice. He still isn't speaking to me. FML
Today, I finally told my boyfriend that he's not very good at dirty talk. He does it every time we have sex and it always turns me off. He started crying. FML
Today, my girlfriend said that we should try something new. I got excited because I thought it would be about sex. Nope, she wanted me to start speaking with animal noises so we could build up a secret language. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Attempting to make things a little more exciting, I said in my sexiest voice, "Oh yeah, harder." My boyfriend who apparently doesn't like talking dirty, pulled out and angrily said, "I was trying, what more do you want?" FML
Today, my boyfriend of 3 months and I finally had sex. He sounds like Chewbacca when he comes. FML
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Top comments
isabelf 17
your boyfriend sounds like he has some very odd fetishes...
nhormuss 17
He's a keeper
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Comments (135)
PerditaDessa 38
bomDI' 'Iwwij qaqaw. If he didn't start off with poetry followed by oral he didn't properly set the stage for dirty talk. Just remember DayajmeH 'oy' yISIQ and you'll be fine. Klingon isn't hard to learn, and if he's committed to the aspects of the race it'll be worth the effort in the end.
marcranger 29
If they're both committed, they'd better have excellent health insurance (or be one turbolift ride from sick bay).
skittyskatbrat 19
Someone who is enough of a nerd to speak Klingon should not be turning his nose up at sex.... If you can get him past this, nerds make the BEST boyfriends.
kurodansei 16
Please, do elaborate.
limabeans101029 21
84- Ignoring you the whole night for not being able to speak klingon doesn't sound like my idea of "the BEST boyfriend"
Queen_of_Night 20
Oh PLEASE... The whole "nerds don't get laid" thing? Really? I thought we were passed that stereo type since Big Bang Theory. Let me tell you how many times I walked in on couples (and triples and quads) doing the deed on the stairswells of the hotel the anime convention I go to. They quit showing Hentai Fest because of people getting caught doing it in the video room.
worldclassrager 41
Looks like you need to learn that...it shouldn't be too hard....actually we'll see on the follow up or maybe another FML that comes up
PegLegRacing 34
I'd run... Has nothing to do with speaking Klingon and everything to do with his reaction to you not speaking it.
cluelesscher 5
Get Rosetta Stone
TaliVasVania 13
Instead of him getting upset, why doesn't he teach her a few phrases?
ruthi666 23
Your life is now officially an episode of The Big Bang Theory.
luverofakatsuki 16
kahpla
heyyitskaylee 7
TALK DIRTY TO ME. IN KLINGON. Get Jason Derulo's new single today!
otumboo 10
what nerd! you deserve a boyfriend that won't ignore you because you don't know a non-legit language