Today, my new boyfriend and I got intimate for the first time. He started whispering in my ear, but I couldn't understand him. He pushed me away and ignored me the rest of the night. Apparently it's a huge turn-off that I can't talk dirty in Klingon. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I learned that no matter how much of a nerd a girl claims to be, she is not ready for you to speak Klingon during sex. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. I was getting pretty horny, and I thought some dirty talk would turn him on. Amid my panting, I breathed the words, "Fuck me." He then stopped and said, "Excuse me, I don't like hearing that language." and wouldn't continue until I corrected myself. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I attempted sexting for the first time. After about twenty minutes of Star Wars references, I gave up. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that we could try living out one of his fantasies. When I showed up ready to go, he began playing the theme song to Star Trek and asked me to call him Mr. Spock. FML
Today, as my boyfriend and I were getting intimate, I asked him if he was going to fuck my brains out and make me his dumb little cock sleeve. He said, "That's kind of degrading, isn't it?" Instant mood kill. Never date a man who can't talk dirty. FML
Today, my boyfriend asked me to try humming during a blow job. He seemed to like it at first, but apparently, "I'll Make a Man Out of You" from Mulan wasn't a good choice. He still isn't speaking to me. FML
Today, I finally told my boyfriend that he's not very good at dirty talk. He does it every time we have sex and it always turns me off. He started crying. FML
Today, my girlfriend said that we should try something new. I got excited because I thought it would be about sex. Nope, she wanted me to start speaking with animal noises so we could build up a secret language. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Attempting to make things a little more exciting, I said in my sexiest voice, "Oh yeah, harder." My boyfriend who apparently doesn't like talking dirty, pulled out and angrily said, "I was trying, what more do you want?" FML
Today, my boyfriend of 3 months and I finally had sex. He sounds like Chewbacca when he comes. FML
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Top comments
isabelf 17
your boyfriend sounds like he has some very odd fetishes...
nhormuss 17
He's a keeper
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Comments (135)
buckdharma 38
No, no, not Klingon, Klingoff.
ohSNAPyall 27
He may know the language, but he apparently doesn't know the culture. The Klingon man should recite love poetry. If he doesn't even understand how Klingons behave, he doesn't need to act self-righteous about this.
thundermoo 16
At least he knew enough about human girls not to bite her face...
martin8337 36
#25 Klingons are a science fiction alien species so is the languages that was created by humans/earthlings.
ohSNAPyall 27
OK. All human languages were created by earthlings.
martin8337 36
#33, Klingons are fictional characters.
martin8337 36
Then why not learn Spanish, French, German , Italian or Japanese? At least they are real languages spoken by real people.
diosadelmasaje 8
Sounds like maybe you all aren't ready to make that step. Communication is super important the first time. Is it possible it was the first "I Love You" and since it went so terribly wrong he blamed it on a klingon fetish??? maybe that is less mortifying than a premature accident? Good luck OP.
MrDonSalvetti 27
I guess your boyfriend just went full retard? Or full Klingon? Can't decide...
Respect101 17
That doesn't make him retarded, just out there a little bit.
mollypop35 28
Seriously learn Klingon
Zebediabolical 45
It looks like the guy from FML 20963971 moved from NY to MA.
kurodansei 16
The fact that you went back and found that FML in particular astounds me.
wanted_2_want 40
Wow. He is a very "special" kind of guy!
noah_1234 24
how rude
Sakuraashita 15
Amy Farah-Fowler?