Today, my new boyfriend and I got intimate for the first time. He started whispering in my ear, but I couldn't understand him. He pushed me away and ignored me the rest of the night. Apparently it's a huge turn-off that I can't talk dirty in Klingon. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I learned that no matter how much of a nerd a girl claims to be, she is not ready for you to speak Klingon during sex. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. I was getting pretty horny, and I thought some dirty talk would turn him on. Amid my panting, I breathed the words, "Fuck me." He then stopped and said, "Excuse me, I don't like hearing that language." and wouldn't continue until I corrected myself. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I attempted sexting for the first time. After about twenty minutes of Star Wars references, I gave up. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that we could try living out one of his fantasies. When I showed up ready to go, he began playing the theme song to Star Trek and asked me to call him Mr. Spock. FML
Today, as my boyfriend and I were getting intimate, I asked him if he was going to fuck my brains out and make me his dumb little cock sleeve. He said, "That's kind of degrading, isn't it?" Instant mood kill. Never date a man who can't talk dirty. FML
Today, my boyfriend asked me to try humming during a blow job. He seemed to like it at first, but apparently, "I'll Make a Man Out of You" from Mulan wasn't a good choice. He still isn't speaking to me. FML
Today, I finally told my boyfriend that he's not very good at dirty talk. He does it every time we have sex and it always turns me off. He started crying. FML
Today, my girlfriend said that we should try something new. I got excited because I thought it would be about sex. Nope, she wanted me to start speaking with animal noises so we could build up a secret language. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Attempting to make things a little more exciting, I said in my sexiest voice, "Oh yeah, harder." My boyfriend who apparently doesn't like talking dirty, pulled out and angrily said, "I was trying, what more do you want?" FML
Today, my boyfriend of 3 months and I finally had sex. He sounds like Chewbacca when he comes. FML
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Top comments
isabelf 17
your boyfriend sounds like he has some very odd fetishes...
nhormuss 17
He's a keeper
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Comments (135)
little_one 20
If a guy was going to talking dirty to me in a language based from a book or show I'd pick elvish from lord of the rings. It sounds pretty no matter what you say!
Taurus_ChicKa 37
Sounds like you're dating Sheldon Cooper. Wait...he doesn't get intimate at all. So I've got nothing. Except to wonder how mature the guy really is if he gets turned off by a girl who doesn't speak a fictional language from a TV show, especially a sci-fi one (which most females don't care for; not all, but most). Sounds like he needs to do some growing up and get in tune with reality.
tarbaby6193 6
Your boyfriends a fag
Mattabetes86 1
That's awesome
CandyApple88 13
OP, i suggest you walk up to him and headbutt him. If he gets offended, give him a left hook. Violence is considered foreplay for Klingons. I'm not a trekkie, but I have seen enough eps to know that.
themetalstickman 19
I speak a little Klingon, but that's kind of douchey considering that most of the Klingon language is curse words.
followthatcar 5
This is great banter
UNl3AsH3D 8
Dun ghotvam'e' tbh, I'd be screwed, too. I don't speak the language fluently or enough.
Luunatic 13
What the hell
Nickoli42 3
You should learn the Dragon Tounge and get back at him.