Today, my new boyfriend and I got intimate for the first time. He started whispering in my ear, but I couldn't understand him. He pushed me away and ignored me the rest of the night. Apparently it's a huge turn-off that I can't talk dirty in Klingon. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I learned that no matter how much of a nerd a girl claims to be, she is not ready for you to speak Klingon during sex. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. I was getting pretty horny, and I thought some dirty talk would turn him on. Amid my panting, I breathed the words, "Fuck me." He then stopped and said, "Excuse me, I don't like hearing that language." and wouldn't continue until I corrected myself. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I attempted sexting for the first time. After about twenty minutes of Star Wars references, I gave up. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that we could try living out one of his fantasies. When I showed up ready to go, he began playing the theme song to Star Trek and asked me to call him Mr. Spock. FML
Today, as my boyfriend and I were getting intimate, I asked him if he was going to fuck my brains out and make me his dumb little cock sleeve. He said, "That's kind of degrading, isn't it?" Instant mood kill. Never date a man who can't talk dirty. FML
Today, my boyfriend asked me to try humming during a blow job. He seemed to like it at first, but apparently, "I'll Make a Man Out of You" from Mulan wasn't a good choice. He still isn't speaking to me. FML
Today, I finally told my boyfriend that he's not very good at dirty talk. He does it every time we have sex and it always turns me off. He started crying. FML
Today, my girlfriend said that we should try something new. I got excited because I thought it would be about sex. Nope, she wanted me to start speaking with animal noises so we could build up a secret language. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Attempting to make things a little more exciting, I said in my sexiest voice, "Oh yeah, harder." My boyfriend who apparently doesn't like talking dirty, pulled out and angrily said, "I was trying, what more do you want?" FML
Today, my boyfriend of 3 months and I finally had sex. He sounds like Chewbacca when he comes. FML
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Top comments
isabelf 17
your boyfriend sounds like he has some very odd fetishes...
nhormuss 17
He's a keeper
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Comments (135)
dvgomer 15
I can't stop laughing. This is hilarious but unless you're a nerd you should find someone else
more4me 27
A nerd ? I am a nerd. I think her BF is a dork!
6demon6spawn6 12
oh god I love it. I myself plan on learning klingon.
RickSanchez 4
Who talks dirty in Klingon the first time they have sex with someone?
Ki11erC 18
@14 Who talks Klingon in sex...
blazerman_fml 17
Trust me, unfortunately it's more common than you think.
lulinator 40
Care to expand on that #49?
PerditaDessa 38
It's common enough that they sell Klingon sex manuals. With themes like 'first time with a Vulcan during Pon far? Here's what to expect.' Star Trek is an extremely common fandom and a lot of the fans speak at least part of one of the languages. It's a bit much to expect it the first time without prior conversations about it, but it's probably more common than it should be.
isuckwithnames 22
But learning Klingon sextalk is rare enough to be never expected, for most people, a good most.
IamMurph 1
New boyfriend? First time intimate? Sounds like you have your work cut out for you if he gets mad at petty things such as this.
martin8337 36
Attention all star trek nerds: there is no such thing as a Klingon language, it is fictional. Try to learn a real language like Spanish, French or German.
ShadowlessSpear 21
Was looking for an asshat to post this comment. Not disappointed.
BBeffedmylife 28
I prefer the term "Trekkie" thank you very much...
martin8337 36
#16, I do not belong to PETA. Q is just a letter in the alphabet.
PerditaDessa 38
My job centers around constructed languages. A lot of people speak languages that come from science fiction or fantasy. I know six 'real world' languages but have more fun with the others. All knowledge is valuable; even if, some people find it to be a waste of time.
chinaski7628 32
Technically, all languages are 'made up'. Language is a series of sounds or symbols to which we attach meaning. Words, letters, and sounds only have the meanings we give them-- they do not have any inherent meaning. To say that one language is 'real' and another is not is incredibly myopic. Language is often a symbol of unity and pride-- a way to identify as a part of a culture or subculture. Look at Yiddish speakers, Catalan speakers in Spain, Cymraeg speakers in Wales, or the speakers of many Native American languages that are dying out. Just because a language is spoken by a small number of people doesn't invalidate it.
Queen_of_Night 20
You can learn it at The University of Texas in Austin. For college credit.
isuckwithnames 22
How is it not a real language? It has its own grammar, sentence structure entomology; and, as someone else mentioned, is taught in many places including colleges.
vikky538 29
you need to find the book learn Klingon in 30 days...
Daniel589 7
Wow nerdy much?
jackalsssss 6
I'm surprised he managed to even talk to a girl!
BrotherTheo 31
True Story: when I first met my girlfriend she realized two things: I was kinkier then she was and I was way into Star Trek. After awhile she admitted that when we where first dating she had concerns that I was going to want to try to have some kind of 'strange Klingon sex....' Yep we're still together :)
CrikOgresmasher 19
This is why nerdy guys should stick with nerdy girls