Today, my new boyfriend and I got intimate for the first time. He started whispering in my ear, but I couldn't understand him. He pushed me away and ignored me the rest of the night. Apparently it's a huge turn-off that I can't talk dirty in Klingon. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I learned that no matter how much of a nerd a girl claims to be, she is not ready for you to speak Klingon during sex. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. I was getting pretty horny, and I thought some dirty talk would turn him on. Amid my panting, I breathed the words, "Fuck me." He then stopped and said, "Excuse me, I don't like hearing that language." and wouldn't continue until I corrected myself. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I attempted sexting for the first time. After about twenty minutes of Star Wars references, I gave up. FML
Today, my boyfriend told me that we could try living out one of his fantasies. When I showed up ready to go, he began playing the theme song to Star Trek and asked me to call him Mr. Spock. FML
Today, as my boyfriend and I were getting intimate, I asked him if he was going to fuck my brains out and make me his dumb little cock sleeve. He said, "That's kind of degrading, isn't it?" Instant mood kill. Never date a man who can't talk dirty. FML
Today, my boyfriend asked me to try humming during a blow job. He seemed to like it at first, but apparently, "I'll Make a Man Out of You" from Mulan wasn't a good choice. He still isn't speaking to me. FML
Today, I finally told my boyfriend that he's not very good at dirty talk. He does it every time we have sex and it always turns me off. He started crying. FML
Today, my girlfriend said that we should try something new. I got excited because I thought it would be about sex. Nope, she wanted me to start speaking with animal noises so we could build up a secret language. FML
Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. Attempting to make things a little more exciting, I said in my sexiest voice, "Oh yeah, harder." My boyfriend who apparently doesn't like talking dirty, pulled out and angrily said, "I was trying, what more do you want?" FML
Today, my boyfriend of 3 months and I finally had sex. He sounds like Chewbacca when he comes. FML
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Top comments
isabelf 17
your boyfriend sounds like he has some very odd fetishes...
nhormuss 17
He's a keeper
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Comments (135)
nhormuss 17
He's a keeper
Queen_bee1234 21
This comment is getting pretty old.
Garrison21 11
Hey at least you got some.
elly94 23
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
******* RUN!
incoherentrmblr 22
Just start start talking like Jabba the Hutt, I think he'll understand then...
TheSwegMaster69 11
Just don't do bondage Leia style.
rachangie 19
Why not do bondage Leia style? What's wrong with that?
TheSwegMaster69 11
Because it will end in death, have you not seen Star Wars?
Vagitarian1 10
y I DoghQo'!!!! Translation - Don't be silly.
Vagitarian1 10
y IDogh Qo!!! Translation - Don't be silly.
shanebob 15
If you read the FML, it clearly says that she didn't...
isabelf 17
your boyfriend sounds like he has some very odd fetishes...
almightyteapot 8
Aren't all fetishes a bit on the stranger side? They all kind of vary between 'ehh, that's a bit weird, but oh well, what ever floats your little boat' and 'holy macaroni, there is definitely something wrong with you, let me just call an exorcist real quick'
isabelf 17
not all fetishes, such as fishnets or blonde hair fetishes, etc.
kingdomgirl94 29
Kinky is using a feather, perverted is using the whole chicken. Know the limits, play within it.
onlychildFTW 34
Well Klingons are known for their rough sex. He must like being rough.
LizReszke 11
I say this on the moderation list and said yes, and now it got posted. Sweet.
Queen_bee1234 21
Do you want a round of applause?
igive 29
Almost as bad as "First!"
Enslaved 38
Hey, I also get happy when I moderate FMLs and they get posted. I feel that I'm helping by doing a small part to keep this site great.(: Good for you #3 Way too many people like keeping others down when they say positive things.
Brandi_Faith 34
She's new guys, give her a break.
BBeffedmylife 28
41 and 43, I always love to see your comments! Love your positivity!
metalcrazed 21
Not really,the ones I vote yes on are hardly every posted even though they sound realistic and are relatable. I think that person is right to be happy.
liffagain 16
Or... he could teach you some naughty Klingon :P
woainishamu 21
Learn from the guy in the movie Daddy Daycare.
kinky44 28
Step 1: Learn Klingon Step 2: Talk to boyfriend Step 3: ?????? Step 4: Profit
marcranger 29
"Profit" would be more of a Ferengi thing.
clemsi 20
instructions unclear, leg stuck in garbage disposal
metalcrazed 21
Not really if he gets so upset over minor things it may be best for her to move on.
mrnipples7311 13
My dick got caught in the ceiling fan
Earths_Venus 25
Didn't know you could get something that small stuck in a ceiling fan...
cjwayy 22
BUUUUURRRRNNN!
gunda95 11
YDI, mIw vIlIj, 'ej wej tlhIngan vISov Translated: YDI, for not knowing Klingon
domolovesyoshi 33
yeah because everyone knows klingon, that's something they should have talked about before they got intimate
MidnaLink 35
Also, not everybody is INTO Star Trek.
gunda95 11
LOOL, I'm not into Star Trek.. Bing translator also translates to Klingon.
_purepxrcelain_ 6
MAYBE some people just want a normal relationship, not some bullshit language.
midamisenju 12
Hes a special guy i tell ya
alex_622 22
Guess you'll be learning Klingon instead of Spanish now
Michael2687 9
You need a new man.