Today, I moved into my new apartment and met my new roommate. Immediately after shaking hands he suggested that we make a "masturbation schedule" to avoid any awkward situations. Way to avoid an awkward situation. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I met the guy who will be my dorm roommate for the fall semester. One of the first things he said was, "By the way, I'm into self-massage, so don't get weirded out if you hear noises coming from my room a lot." Great. FML
Today, my college roommate whom I've never met moved in. Good thing I wasn't completely naked, playing with myself on the couch when he walked in. That would've been awkward. FML
Today, I found out that my roommate has a masturbation problem; the problem is that he does it in my bed. FML
Today, my family and I finally moved out of our apartment, and into a more accommodating house. However, as we were leaving, my brother leans over and whispers in my ear, "I've masturbated in every room of that apartment, but it was the best in your room." We've lived there for 3 years. FML
Today, my roommate is super comfortable around me. Comfortable enough to masturbate while we are in the same room. I asked him to stop, which took some self-control because I wanted to shout at him. He said he needs to do it because of his shin splints. Whatever. FML
Today, I accidentally texted my new housemate saying, “Hey, wanna get freaky before moving in tomorrow morning?” It was supposed to say “breaky”, as in "breakfast." This should be nice and awkward. FML
Today, my roommate spends so much time in our dorm room that I got a boner when I heard him leaving for class, because it was my first chance in days to jack off in peace. FML
Today, I was at my new boyfriend's flat. As I came out of the toilet he walked over, took my hand, looked at me and whispered, "You washed your hands. Good." in an extremely creepy manner. FML
Today, I met new people at my dorm, only to find they already knew me because they listen to my boyfriend and me have sex all the time. FML
Today, I witnessed my roommate telling a girl that he has "really healthy shits". I wanted to make fun of him, but he got laid by said girl and I went home to jerk off. FML
Feel like sharing it with the other FML users?
Thanks, your FML was submitted, and will appear in the moderation queue soon!
Top comments
allmidnighteyes 11
**** the schedule, everything's more fun when done together!
guyfromnm 0
at least he thinks ahead.
Add a comment · Reply to
You must be logged in to be able to post comments!
Comments (146)
iTzBraille 0
when you think about it, your not "in the mood" at the same time every day, so how would a schedule work??
ttyler333 7
3 to 4 times a day... when I got school it's only b4 and after school... ;)
DncrHap 9
you know, i'm so beyond positive that everyone on FML wants to know about everyone else's masturbation sched. thanks for picking up on that, too.
sammi13 0
This was so weird I had to read it twice to make sure that's actually what it said. o_0 ; )
GummyDinosaurr 0
Masturbation Schedule: Me first, you second. Don't get it on the carpet.
kidace10 1
lmaoo @ 3
jcap113 4
18-grow up an stop being such an ignorant prude family guy is amazing
Veritas411 0
Better a 2 minute conversation now, then to come home next week to an unlocked door and him wearing nothing but a jar of Mayo on his junk. or worse forget your key and have to wait for him to 'finish' while you listen to the audio from his porno and his noises through the door of course in a perfect world, he'd keep his hands off himself for a few weeks while you get to know each other as roomates.. rather than essentially say "Hi, I'm Jack, and abuse myself frequently"
ChelsiiBabee 5
Weird. :/
Elizabeth123654 0
hey #47, your pic matches this whole scenario perfectly. people who watched that episode and those who didn't, it has a double meaning. LOL :)
SAMHAlN 0
lol what if he wanks to child snuff and boy in striped pajamas hahahA
TheIrishJaneDoe 9
What is this I don't even.