Today, I moved into my new apartment and met my new roommate. Immediately after shaking hands he suggested that we make a "masturbation schedule" to avoid any awkward situations. Way to avoid an awkward situation. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I met the guy who will be my dorm roommate for the fall semester. One of the first things he said was, "By the way, I'm into self-massage, so don't get weirded out if you hear noises coming from my room a lot." Great. FML
Today, my college roommate whom I've never met moved in. Good thing I wasn't completely naked, playing with myself on the couch when he walked in. That would've been awkward. FML
Today, I found out that my roommate has a masturbation problem; the problem is that he does it in my bed. FML
Today, my family and I finally moved out of our apartment, and into a more accommodating house. However, as we were leaving, my brother leans over and whispers in my ear, "I've masturbated in every room of that apartment, but it was the best in your room." We've lived there for 3 years. FML
Today, my roommate is super comfortable around me. Comfortable enough to masturbate while we are in the same room. I asked him to stop, which took some self-control because I wanted to shout at him. He said he needs to do it because of his shin splints. Whatever. FML
Today, I accidentally texted my new housemate saying, “Hey, wanna get freaky before moving in tomorrow morning?” It was supposed to say “breaky”, as in "breakfast." This should be nice and awkward. FML
Today, my roommate spends so much time in our dorm room that I got a boner when I heard him leaving for class, because it was my first chance in days to jack off in peace. FML
Today, I was at my new boyfriend's flat. As I came out of the toilet he walked over, took my hand, looked at me and whispered, "You washed your hands. Good." in an extremely creepy manner. FML
Today, I met new people at my dorm, only to find they already knew me because they listen to my boyfriend and me have sex all the time. FML
Today, I witnessed my roommate telling a girl that he has "really healthy shits". I wanted to make fun of him, but he got laid by said girl and I went home to jerk off. FML
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Top comments
allmidnighteyes 11
**** the schedule, everything's more fun when done together!
guyfromnm 0
at least he thinks ahead.
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Comments (146)
Gigglebear 9
Maybe he's the noisy type. ... But who gets horny on schedule?
Trollz4daLULZ 2
Men - almost every day, barring outside interference. I think your roommate was curteous to make the suggestion; that way you two won't walk in on each other. Then again, maybe that's what he's hoping for....
RainbowxxVeinsx 17
hah, ew. I hope his roomate didn't make that schedule so he can "accidentally" walk in on his roommate and watch >.>
DoubleL4567 0
#19 lmao!
xliox 0
lol @3 and 16 :D oh and fyl that is weird =]
Jazzd10 0
You shuda said how bout we ********** together!!
lifetakr32 0
get another guy and circle jerk ftw ! na jk that's sikk like chopp off my hands and gouge out my eyes sorta way you knows what I mean?
misfit471 0
Circle jerks are fun...
joeinthedark 18
I prefer a good old dutch rudder myself.
devintheone8 0
WTF?
perdix 31
Was he trying to find out when you'd be available for pulling duty?
Ariasmake_1 0
op I really hope u invest in a top of the line door lock with a roommate like that.
hayleyjames 0
ok so Monday at 10:30 it's your turn but you can't do it on Tuesday morning because he is schedueled from 11-12 but you can maybe do it at around 3
squirrels_FTW 3
ummmmm........I really don't know war to say.... ya it's awkward. that's for sure.....
joeinthedark 18
That's awesome. I wish my old roommates had be this considerate. it would have avoided many an awkward moment when I had to correct their technique.
DncrHap 9
hey, man. whatever works! i mean, i would just suggest a sock on the door knob, but hey. call me old fashioned.
perdix 31
The sock is being used for other purposes at that moment. Nice try, though!
joeinthedark 18
She's a girl, she doesn't need a sock.Therefore, she has free ones that she can put on the door.
DncrHap 9
hahaha. oh, right, perdix. how silly of me. ;) 52 is right. i'm a girl so i'd never think a sock would be a problem. how about a box of tissues on the door knob! oh, wait...
perdix 31
Of course, that why socks cum in pairs. One for business and one to use as a signal ;)
joeinthedark 18
Maybe for you. I need both socks.