Today, I moved into my new apartment and met my new roommate. Immediately after shaking hands he suggested that we make a "masturbation schedule" to avoid any awkward situations. Way to avoid an awkward situation. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I met the guy who will be my dorm roommate for the fall semester. One of the first things he said was, "By the way, I'm into self-massage, so don't get weirded out if you hear noises coming from my room a lot." Great. FML
Today, my college roommate whom I've never met moved in. Good thing I wasn't completely naked, playing with myself on the couch when he walked in. That would've been awkward. FML
Today, I found out that my roommate has a masturbation problem; the problem is that he does it in my bed. FML
Today, my family and I finally moved out of our apartment, and into a more accommodating house. However, as we were leaving, my brother leans over and whispers in my ear, "I've masturbated in every room of that apartment, but it was the best in your room." We've lived there for 3 years. FML
Today, my roommate is super comfortable around me. Comfortable enough to masturbate while we are in the same room. I asked him to stop, which took some self-control because I wanted to shout at him. He said he needs to do it because of his shin splints. Whatever. FML
Today, I accidentally texted my new housemate saying, “Hey, wanna get freaky before moving in tomorrow morning?” It was supposed to say “breaky”, as in "breakfast." This should be nice and awkward. FML
Today, my roommate spends so much time in our dorm room that I got a boner when I heard him leaving for class, because it was my first chance in days to jack off in peace. FML
Today, I was at my new boyfriend's flat. As I came out of the toilet he walked over, took my hand, looked at me and whispered, "You washed your hands. Good." in an extremely creepy manner. FML
Today, I met new people at my dorm, only to find they already knew me because they listen to my boyfriend and me have sex all the time. FML
Today, I witnessed my roommate telling a girl that he has "really healthy shits". I wanted to make fun of him, but he got laid by said girl and I went home to jerk off. FML
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Top comments
allmidnighteyes 11
**** the schedule, everything's more fun when done together!
guyfromnm 0
at least he thinks ahead.
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Comments (146)
RainbowxxVeinsx 17
Lmao, wow that's kinda weird O_O
RainbowxxVeinsx 17
Hmm, I just thought about this, wonder if he had just got done with his "scheduled time" before he shook your hand? haha
quackquackgopat 0
lol
abusyboy93 0
Matt do you think your cool or something? That type of comment is not even funny, it just shows how immature you really are.
my_fml_account 2
this sounds like something Sheldon (Big Bang Theory) would do
RainbowxxVeinsx 17
22-Seriously, who couldn't like family guy. If that's what your referring to?
hackymeal 0
tht epesode of family guy wad funny
InDenial 6
#12, Haha nice family guy reference. That episode is so funny. And to #18, I hope you take back what you said because now it sounds like you're calling family guy immature. How dare you!
cantfightfate 0
hahah awesome family guy reference!
OhWowFYLindeed 0
I ********** on wendsdays and saturdays, at precisely 3:00 AM. :D
RainbowxxVeinsx 17
It's sad I can't remember anything else that happened in that episode of Family Guy now D: haha.
myworld99 0
definately unique. xD
Nacirema20 0
hahahaha. i had the same thought. lmfao. XD
White_Fury 0
Family guy FTW! :) Such an amazing show!
MrWTF_fml 2
OP are you a girl? because that schedule can be your pleasure time with him!! and if your a guy then go suck his donkey !!! YDI for not knowing your roommate. bottomline just suck his donkey!!!
comatoast 0
he just wants to know your schedule so he can "accidentally" walk in on you
Bl0OdYShAdOw 0
Family Guy is a horrible show. Everyone can just shut up about it. Only faggots enjoy that show.
drpepperrules 0
20 I love The Big Bang! Funniest show ever
stewpididiot 11
32... me too...what a coincidence... or is it ??
hqureshi 0
way to write a fake fml... my sister watched something like this on Disney... just not for wanking, but bathrooms.
SapphireSympathy 7
oooh! i never thought of that. lol clever. and probably so true. haha
gingernator 0
32, that's it?! you really need to exercise your... muscle more. I do it everyday from 3AM to 6AM and the again at 7PM to 10PM. XD
xoxolovemexoxo 0
oh my gosh that's horribblee
gingernator 0
how? builds stamina!
gabbster95 0
atleast he's thinking of others before himself... haha
megiscool123 0
haha well he sounds very...interesting
abusyboy93 0
hahahaha wowwwww I posted that comment just to see how many losers on here would get upset about it and it worked pretty well...f all ur lives for not having a life
zoe_zoe_fml 0
funny but not an FML...
msyelowbubblegum 0
well which is more ackward making a masterbating schedule or walking into ur new roomate masterbating? haha u pick
gingernator 0
walking in. I walked in on my sister when she was doing that, turns out she's not actually my sister... rather my brother...
Freeze_fml 17
That's... interesting.
ShorTiE4LyFe 0
20- Exactly what I was thinking!
SAMHAlN 0
do you have a beeper to remind you? and if it goes off when you're talking to somebody are you like brb I need to wank
gingernator 0
xD 97
ladiesman14 0
who is the pitcher and catcher ? call it fantasy baseball. you will have to schedule your 5 on 1 games around real baseball games. have a world series too !
immazombeastxD 0
I'm the real MC Hammer.
brianjman14 23
screw the schedule, u cant tell me when to get horny or not, thats my job!!!!!
hamstercarlos 2
me to
bennyboy111 7
WTF
InDenial 6
#2, Wednesday Thursday Friday? Sounds like a pretty good schedule for me!
perdix 31
Probably not. That means no action from Saturday through Tuesday, so he runs the risk of a case of the DSBs despite the strokefest that runs from Wed to Fri. It would be OK if he is confident he can be getting sex regularly on the weekend, but then I remembered: It's a guy who schedules his masturbation -- he's either a virgin or in danger of regaining it!
InDenial 6
Yeah better not take the risk...Unless OP masturbates whenever he has the chance, like under the school desk while staring at the hot office lady!
allmidnighteyes 11
**** the schedule, everything's more fun when done together!
imdacsgrrl 0
LOL
Trupe 3
Lol you didn't say no **** :/ but it was funny so it's all good
gingernator 0
yes if they're girls otherwise, NO!!!!!!!!!!
sourgirl101 29
Circle jerks. Come on, that doesn't make you gay does it???
Daerauko 0
lol as long as no one crosses swords
gingernator 0
if a guy touches another guys dick on purpose or on accident and likes it, it's ****. ****, do not want!!!
Crncj 0
#4- are you suggesting mutual masturbation?
IGaveRickUp 15
Oh, the horror of being a homosexual!
Luke1787 6
remember kids, its only gay if dicks touch
MzMegs 20
What a weirdo. xD
Rob207 3
maybe just trying to break the ice
guyfromnm 0
at least he thinks ahead.
pandamaddox 0
"your cool with back to back right?"
Cuppycake1488 0
Family guy FTW(:
scorch72 0
lol
thelifeofme 0
I absolutely love your picture. it's so cute(:
kazzythesavage 0
that's a good convo starter lol.
FFML_314 12
It's a smart idea. Masturbation is important in life and so is avoiding being caught! ;]
boredatwork11 2
3 said it all.