Today, I moved into my new apartment and met my new roommate. Immediately after shaking hands he suggested that we make a "masturbation schedule" to avoid any awkward situations. Way to avoid an awkward situation. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I met the guy who will be my dorm roommate for the fall semester. One of the first things he said was, "By the way, I'm into self-massage, so don't get weirded out if you hear noises coming from my room a lot." Great. FML
Today, my college roommate whom I've never met moved in. Good thing I wasn't completely naked, playing with myself on the couch when he walked in. That would've been awkward. FML
Today, I found out that my roommate has a masturbation problem; the problem is that he does it in my bed. FML
Today, my family and I finally moved out of our apartment, and into a more accommodating house. However, as we were leaving, my brother leans over and whispers in my ear, "I've masturbated in every room of that apartment, but it was the best in your room." We've lived there for 3 years. FML
Today, my roommate is super comfortable around me. Comfortable enough to masturbate while we are in the same room. I asked him to stop, which took some self-control because I wanted to shout at him. He said he needs to do it because of his shin splints. Whatever. FML
Today, I accidentally texted my new housemate saying, “Hey, wanna get freaky before moving in tomorrow morning?” It was supposed to say “breaky”, as in "breakfast." This should be nice and awkward. FML
Today, my roommate spends so much time in our dorm room that I got a boner when I heard him leaving for class, because it was my first chance in days to jack off in peace. FML
Today, I was at my new boyfriend's flat. As I came out of the toilet he walked over, took my hand, looked at me and whispered, "You washed your hands. Good." in an extremely creepy manner. FML
Today, I met new people at my dorm, only to find they already knew me because they listen to my boyfriend and me have sex all the time. FML
Today, I witnessed my roommate telling a girl that he has "really healthy shits". I wanted to make fun of him, but he got laid by said girl and I went home to jerk off. FML
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Top comments
allmidnighteyes 11
**** the schedule, everything's more fun when done together!
guyfromnm 0
at least he thinks ahead.
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Comments (146)
Islander_fml 5
That's not weird at all. My roommate and I for this coming year are going to work out masturbation and sexile issues calmly and easily at the beginning of the year; he did the same with his roommate last year, and I'm great friends with them both, and we all have no problem in the slightest talking about masturbating. Really, OP, grow up and stop being embarrassed over the shit that doesn't matter.
NikkiMeMcLovin 4
Lmao. Would you rather have walked into his masturbation time because you didn't know the schedule?? Knowing that he jerks off is alot less uncomfortable than actually catching him doing it.
rywood 0
I agree with 20
softballgeek69 0
awkward....
tyler9467 0
That happens alot in shared living areas. Get over it. YDI for being immature and over sensitive.
JokeMeister 0
That's your cue to leave.
bluefairy_fml 24
How come you met your roommate AFTER moving in? Didn't you think about finding out what kind of person you were going to live with, BEFORE actually renting the apartment?
tyler_420 0
that guy is weird.
Pvt_Kaoss 0
keeping America bate-in idiocracy reference
TOL_fml 6
I think it was good he told you so you won't be 'surprised' if you ever walked in on him. He could've worked his way into the convo. then having that be the first thing he said. oh well