Today, I witnessed my roommate telling a girl that he has "really healthy shits". I wanted to make fun of him, but he got laid by said girl and I went home to jerk off. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my roommate's girlfriend came to visit for a couple of days, and we fucked behind his back. My roommate told me he just tested positive for syphilis. FML
Today, I walked in on my roommate whacking off to clown porn. FML
Today, while cleaning the hostel, I had to make some beds in a dorm room. There were three guys in the room, one of whom was sitting on a bed. He looked me straight in the eye and I gave him a big smile before I realized he was jerking off. FML
Today, I saw my roommate walk out of his room into the kitchen with a used condom in his hand, and plop it into the garbage disposal. "I don't really trust this girl" is all he said before he opened his door and walked back into his room. FML
Today, I was at my friend's place with a bunch of people. I saw a pair of panties in his laundry basket, so of course I yelled, "DUDE! YOU GOT LAID!" Turns out he didn't get laid, he was 'experimenting'. He was so mortified, he burst out crying and threw us all out. FML
Today, my roommate spends so much time in our dorm room that I got a boner when I heard him leaving for class, because it was my first chance in days to jack off in peace. FML
Today, I listened to my roommate having sex from 3 a.m. until 6 a.m. When I looked over at my girlfriend, who must have thought I was sleeping, I noticed she was masturbating. FML
Today, I found out that my roommate has a masturbation problem; the problem is that he does it in my bed. FML
Today, I was having sex with this girl I met in stats class when my roommate walked in. He started applauding and said, "$20 bucks for me! I knew you weren't gay!" Him and my other roommate had a bet. They are my best friends. FML
Today, I heard my boyfriend masturbate next to me and then relieves himself on my bed sheets. FML
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Top comments
EndOfSekrets 13
Talk shit, get laid.
Big_Pickle 18
You win some, you lose some.
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Comments (81)
Big_Pickle 18
You win some, you lose some.
J215B 33
Was there really any competition? I mean that guy has a great digestive system!!!
DraconicFeline 31
And...what did OP win, exactly?
oddities 20
Not screwing a girl who finds "really healthy *****" attractive. Or maybe OP is into that kind of stuff.
incoherentrmblr 22
Perhaps said girl is a nutritionist.
Vlen_fml 20
my thoughts exactly, dating people in the medical field is bound to bring out weird quirks and fetishes.
thefastnfuryass 14
She's a maker of probiotics, 'nuff said.
PIGaming 21
#51, are you saying that if someone works in a morgue they are likely to have a necrophilia fetish?
Credibleskills 28
#36 plot twist
ZombieRaptor 5
That's one of the weirder things I've seen today.
wastedpenguin 14
thanks to the internet though not the wierdest
kmaeh 8
"I think it's time for the next step in our relationship. . want you to poop on me" o.O
EndOfSekrets 13
Talk shit, get laid.
GnomeInSpace 11
True
whiteboy896 9
I think you're a very rude person and you probably have no friends too!!! My turn?
TiiBags 15
No wonder I don't have a girlfriend...
EndOfSekrets 13
It was a play on words. A joke. Relax.
thefastnfuryass 14
"Hey ladies.. I had TWO bowel movements yesterday. Pretty sexy, right? I know."
lbguitarist 7
this is generating so much false hope it's hilarious
icandothecancan 24
This not where I wanted this comment to be.
597mph 10
This made my day.
SammyS2012 21
wait... what is this FML about...? i honestly dont understand it.
jazzy_123 20
Yeah that first sentence is really throwing me off
zBLAKEz 23
It confused me too. I think he meant to say "that he has" instead of "that has."
SammyS2012 21
I guess so too because it was changed. O.o why would he add the last part though? is it really relevant? lol
Sirin_fml 47
Guy makes a creepy remark to the girl. OP wants to make fun of him for blowing his chance at sleeping with her by being so weird, but the girl sleeps with him anyway. "Even he can get a girl, but I can't." What's not to get?
zBLAKEz 23
The first sentence had poor grammar before it was corrected, so it was hard to understand.
Sirin_fml 47
It was only missing one word. Be fair: it's hard for the OP to type properly one-handed.
BoltTheSuperdog 22
#32 I really wish I could like your comment right now.
SammyS2012 21
oh! i kept reading it as "laid off", so i kept thinking she fired him. i see my mistake now
savannaaahh 10
that's what I got from it.. hahaha
WizzleMan17 11
His shit don't stank
thefastnfuryass 14
He must be using poo pourii.
ced443_fml 9
"I have healthy bowels" "Omg I love healthy bowels. My place ;)" Kinda like that?
kurodansei 16
I'm not sure why but I laughed a little too hard at that potential exchange.
phatdaddy62 23
You forgot "bow chicka wow wow!"
golferman72 16
Well that's depressing...
BoltTheSuperdog 22
Your digestive system (and its waste products) would be such a weird thing to talk about to a girlfriend. Definitely not my first topic of choice.
Ki11erC 18
Wasn't even a girlfriend so even weirder as an opener, unless she's into the whole 2girls1cup thing....
pratikp03 22
Not your day, try again tomorrow.
Senseless_487 29
Huh, I guess I've been doing it all wrong.