Today, I found an enormous raccoon in my backyard. After a couple of nasty scratches, I finally managed to capture the filthy animal. After calling animal control to relocate it, I waited for hours to learn that "relocating" actually means releasing it into my front yard 10 feet away. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I saw a raccoon family on my front porch. There were 3 little babies. Wanting to keep one as a pet, I scooped up one of the babies. The mother raccoon turned around, made a bizarre roaring, hissing sound, and attacked me. I’m currently in the ER covered in grass and scratches. FML
Today, I was bringing the garbage cans inside and noticed one felt a little heavy. I opened it, only to find a raccoon. A very angry raccoon. FML
Today, I tried to pet what I thought was a cute cat under my porch. As it turned out, it was actually a raccoon. It hissed at me, and I screamed so loud that my neighbors came running. FML
Today, while sitting on my front porch, my cat came up beside me. I started idly stroking her, only to turn and realize I was petting a wild raccoon. FML
Today, I'm trapped in my apartment, due to the fact that five raccoons have decided to sit outside my only door and prevent me from getting out. Every time I look at one, they hiss at me. FML
Today, my new neighbor offered to "humanely capture and relocate" the squirrels in my attic. He then "humanely" shot at them with a BB gun, and the "relocated" them into his stomach once they were killed. Welcome to the neighborhood. FML
Today, my mother's beloved cat died and we thought it would be nice to bury it in the back yard. I came home from work and while walking to the door saw that the cat had been dug up and partially eaten by the local raccoons and strays. FML
Today, at work, my boss made me spend a hour trying to catch a baby raccoon in the parking lot. I'm a bank teller. FML
Today, I had an upset stomach. I decided to quickly take out the trash before heading to the bathroom. As I opened the trash can lid, a raccoon jumped out. I learned the literal meaning of being scared shitless. FML
Today, there was an animal rummaging around in my trashcan, so I kicked the trashcan to see what it was. The fox then chased me for three blocks to find out what I was. FML
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Top comments
crimsonlover4 31
Wait, so they don't relocate them to Raccoon city? Damn that sucks OP!
JessalynVictoria 6
Don't wrestle raccoons. They could have rabies!!
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Comments (54)
crimsonlover4 31
Wait, so they don't relocate them to Raccoon city? Damn that sucks OP!
ant1078 7
Thanks for reminding me! RESIDENT EVIL TOMORROW!!!
LaughinStock 16
Well no 1 you can't do that, the city is infested with zombies. :(
IQWasJustLowered 0
Why is that comment thumbed down. I thought it was funny.
samiiii_fml 2
They are supposed to kill the raccoons because of all the possible diseases they have.
crimsonlover4 31
Yea I can't wait for the movie! And I was being silly :)
gc327072 31
29- just like the zombies?
GypsyRover 0
Just kill it. Then take it in and tell them what happened.
CheeseTron 15
Rac city bitch. Naa I ******* hat that song.
outoftown 27
#1, Apparently OP lives in Raccoon City, and didn't know it.
rubberduckie94 13
Exactly. Op is a dumb ass. Critters are a part of life raccoons, coyotes, deer skunks everything just part of life here. I would have done same thing as anal control did. I bet they laughed and laughed when it was over.
Meettitan 14
Chase that shit outta your yard.
metalwolf 17
laughingstock- exactly, they should do a low air drop if an army of raccoons into raccoon city. As far as i know, zombies dont go after raccoons but, as OP will agree, those things can get mean.
BippityBopPop 0
Raccoon's beh beh! (;
simonsaysYDI 8
-chuckles at 79- Anal control.
eurostar710 11
Enjoy your rabies!
JessalynVictoria 6
Don't wrestle raccoons. They could have rabies!!
Marcella1016 32
Exactly what I was thinking! Lucky he got away with a few scratches and not some serious bites. Then again, with the shittiness of the animal control in his area, maybe OP had no choice. Why the %&#! Would they release it in his yard?!
clancey6 4
It's common sense to tell if an animal has rabies. They may be foaming at the mouth, have patches of hair loss, unsteady movements, etc.. But then again, common sense isn't so common nowadays.
Marcella1016 32
I'm not a vet, 22, but you can probably assume the symptoms aren't going to ALWAYS be evident ALL the time. Better to be safe than sorry. And I hear treatment for rabies is a bitch.
thgiL 9
22- one of first noticeable symptoms is shying away from humans you won't notice that in a raccoon though because they do that either way.
GypsyRover 0
22-that is a very true statement! It's getting bad out there!
sens3sfailing 25
Also the fact that raccoons are nocturnal and one being out in the daytime (assuming this was day time) would have a huge chance of having rabies...or had a crazy night on the town and can't remember where he parked his hole or where ever raccoons live.
saksxalmo 20
I scrolled down the FML homepage so quickly that I read this FML and the previous one together. Imagine my surprise when I thought the first sentence was "Today, I was having sex with an enormous raccoon in my backyard." Back on topic, OP should have had the raccoon tested for rabies before letting animal control release it. If s/he can't locate it at this point, s/he should probably get the shot. You only have something like 72 hours after exposure to get it, and almost all cases of rabies are fatal. 36, where did you hear that? I'm pretty sure one of the most noticeable symptoms of rabies is loss of fear, not shyness.
ShyAnn29 15
75, they have to kill it in order to test for rabies, because they test brain tissue.
saksxalmo 20
I've always heard that you have to observe the animal for symptoms of rabies before you kill it. Maybe they do it differently where you're from?
ShyAnn29 15
85 I mean if they suspect rabies, then they would have to kill it to do the test for it
Marcella1016 32
76 - How do they test for it in humans? O_o
xgetxbentx 13
That goes for ANY wild animal. I worked at a wildlife education center for about a year with tons of animals, including one raccoon. All wild animals have about the same chance of getting rabies. OP needs to be seen by a doctor ASAP, they can give you a series of shots to prevent rabies. It doesn't matter if the animal seemed rabid or not, it is NOT worth the risk. Then they should probably be writing a letter to whoever is in charge of animal control and possibly the DNR about how the situation was handled, because OP should not have needed to be anywhere near the animal.
saksxalmo 20
#93- I don't think they test it in humans until you start getting the symptoms (at which point it's too late.) They give you the shot if they even think you might have been infected. The problem is that the shot is apparently really expensive (IIRC) so if possible you're supposed to get the animal tested as soon as possible to see whether you even need it. If you can't get the animal tested, you have to get the shot just in case. Oh, and one more rabies PSA, if you ever find a bat in a sleeping person's room, get the bat tested, because you can be bitten by a rabid bat in your sleep and not be aware of it. And no, birds don't carry rabies. Only mammals do. I only say this because I once had a friend come to me hysterical after being "attacked" by a bird she was convinced was rabid. lol
sens3sfailing 25
96-About your profile, why do you call yourself a feminist if you are an equal rights activist? Why throw in any gender orientation if you neither gender is more important? I feel trying to make one group of people stick out at this point is not helping any of societies sexist and/or racial feelings, but only spark the fire a little more. I hear ya on the whole equal rights for everyone, I just don't understand the need for calling yourself a feminist, or fighting for women's rights when other minorities are discriminated against, just as much if not more, than women are.
sens3sfailing 25
This is a serious question. I am on my iPod so. I can't personally message them, I seriously want to know why this is done! It doesn't make sense to me, and if it has a logical explanation then she will be able to give me an intellectual reason.
ant1078 7
They look like bandits for a reason lol, he'll be back for more. The battle has just begun!
Roevera 14
In a few days I can picture the Walmart commercial where they're advertising water guns for the summer. The guys sitting on his porch with the water gun while the raccoon is hissing at him!
thejewishfuhrer 17
Coons?! When coons tried to come up on our back porch, mama would hit them with a broom.
onlychildFTW 34
I thought animal control would catch them and relocate them. Not have the house owner catch them and then not even move it off the property. Get a rabies shot OP.
Starscreamer 5
Seems like he'll have his revenge soon. Beware!
challan 19
Op, where was your head? Never touch a wild animal. You are lucky you only have a few scratches. Smarten up!
gc327072 31
One time my brother saw a bobcat and chased it... With a butter knife.. -_-
agonydrum 7
Forget that, raccoon soup
aisg 14
Reminds me of that episode in family guy with the raccoon :D
ManInTheMachine 20
You should probably check that hedge in your back yard for any food-stuffed logs, and make sure there isn't a stingy bear lurking around. Animals are smarter than you think; just ask Vern!
Enslaved 38
Oh my God! Vern! Loved that he saved Christmas! May he RIP
mrmarylin2you 4
well the racoon was relocated from the backyard to the front yard. I see no problem here.
Moka96 7
You should be careful raccoons can carry rabies. (￣^￣)ゞ
ElmoSaysSquishy 28
I'm pretty sure any animal can carry rabies.
Feared 9
35- Moka didn't say that only raccoons carry rabies. And not all animals carry rabies. Just mammals.
chellyX92 8
Why would you even attempt to get near it let alone catch it? There's traps you can buy that animal control will pick up. That sucks they let it out back on your property but if I am correct animal control lets capture animals out near or in their natural surroundings. If you live in a wooded area that raccoon wasn't going to go far anyway.