Today, I had an upset stomach. I decided to quickly take out the trash before heading to the bathroom. As I opened the trash can lid, a raccoon jumped out. I learned the literal meaning of being scared shitless. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I was bringing the garbage cans inside and noticed one felt a little heavy. I opened it, only to find a raccoon. A very angry raccoon. FML
Today, I went to use a public restroom. I walked into the first stall and found it occupied… by a raccoon. It hissed at me, and in my panic, I backed into a janitor's cart, knocking over the mop and bucket. I had to leave the bathroom drenched in dirty water while a crowd of people watched. FML
Today, I tried to pet what I thought was a cute cat under my porch. As it turned out, it was actually a raccoon. It hissed at me, and I screamed so loud that my neighbors came running. FML
Today, there was an animal rummaging around in my trashcan, so I kicked the trashcan to see what it was. The fox then chased me for three blocks to find out what I was. FML
Today, I woke up and went into the bathroom and noticed a dark mass in the toilet. Thinking someone took a dump and didn't flush, I approached the toilet ready to dispose of it. That's when I noticed its whiskers and ears. It was a rat, and it was alive. FML
Today, I saw a raccoon family on my front porch. There were 3 little babies. Wanting to keep one as a pet, I scooped up one of the babies. The mother raccoon turned around, made a bizarre roaring, hissing sound, and attacked me. I’m currently in the ER covered in grass and scratches. FML
Today, after my house almost got broken into last week, when I heard some noises in the kitchen I went to investigate. I saw a huge rat run across my floor, and nearly peed myself thinking it was an intruder. FML
Today, I had a rumble in my tummy whilst picking up groceries. I tried to let out a little poot, but ended up shitting in my pants. I had to leave without the groceries. FML
Today, I was stuck on the toilet with a huge stomachache after eating bad food the day before. I got up to flush when I noticed that there was a cockroach struggling feebly in the pile of crap. I'll never know if it got there before or after I crapped. FML
Today, I was on my back patio talking with my husband. It got dark outside, and I saw something shuffling in the back yard. I freaked out so bad that I went to run inside, only to fly face-first into the screen door. Turns out the shuffling was a baby rabbit. FML
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Top comments
Icyghost17 10
I'm sure the raccoon felt the same way.
rikitsumiatsu 11
he was waiting for the perfect moment to get you
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Comments (101)
Icyghost17 10
I'm sure the raccoon felt the same way.
onlychildFTW 34
Yeah raccoons don't like being startled by having their homes roof removed. Haha.
Dunvanation 4
Adult diapers are never a bad thing!
the_blind_wonder 1
Damn! So much for being industrious when you're sick. That's horrible! I would have been scared to death. Hats off to you for at least trying to take out the trash even though you were sick. By the way, I think it's interesting that, and none of these posts I have read, I have never seen the original poster comment back. Except for maybe wants.
asoptavlo14 6
....Once*
scotthearne 9
Did u get a upset stomach from to much cereal? (look at his name)
llamafish 25
you* an* too*
BulldogHoops 14
Try again dude
olpally 33
This is what I hate about Grammar nazis. They have nothing better to do and don't even provide real insight to the FML or offer a funny joke after correcting the grammar. I'm not impressed when all I see is corrections as comments, seriously. I don't care if I get thumbed up or down. Just stating my onion.
olpally 33
Opinion* I corrected myself. Don't worry.
fmlallthetyme 23
They may not provide insight, but it can provide humor when people go on rants about how it is the Internet and spelling doesn't matter (after they have been corrected). After all, who doesn't enjoy reading the occasional thread of rants?
KeyboardWarrior 10
I'm sorry, but when I realized you wrote "I'm just stating my onion" I laughed SO hard. Not being a grammar nazi, just thought I'd share. Good thing you corrected yourself though!
Hershey903 5
62 - I only do it cause of my OCD. The mistake will just crawl at my skin until someone will fix it. But other people do it just to get them mad.
TheCerealKiller 24
Nope. I actually don't eat much cereal. I just pour it out of the bag and smash it dead.
rikitsumiatsu 11
he was waiting for the perfect moment to get you
dressedskeleton 10
At least you aren't full of shit anymore...Better out than in ;)
ScaughtieHolden 11
Well, now it's in OP's pants.
dressedskeleton 10
That's a great image -_- Poor OP
Aug1508 9
Trolled by a raccoon... Lol!
HazzaBoo 3
If I was the raccoon I would totally be scarred
perdix 31
Do you mean "scarred" or "scared?" Raccoons are wusses like people who get permanent mental traumas from mildly frightening events. If there were three raccoons in there, and two were the parents of the third, and they were having sex, yeah, the other one could be scarred for life.
llamafish 25
Do you mean the parents having sex or an incestual raccoon threesome?
wyattshack 4
Hmm raccoon sex in a trash can? Yep that sounds pretty scary to me
HazzaBoo 3
I meant scarred...and why did you have to bring up raccoon sex...Ew?
itsharkley 8
*OP opens lid* racoon: SHIT!! *smells*
cliffibom 15
Atleast u were not in public, that would've been shitty. Im sorry for OP and my cliche pun.
the_anti_hipster 7
5, I don't know which is worse: your horrible attempt at humor or your classy profiles pic.
beatlegirl27 20
Wow! Your humor is so funny! NOT!
ant1ion 12
52- WOW neither is yours :D
itsharkley 8
And I learned the priorities reading this post.
KiddNYC1O 22
Shit before taking out the garbage?
lexiieeex3 32
Those damn raccoons.
SqueakyChipmunk 22
*gasp* a raccoon! Natures ninja!
KingCeltic77 18
"He's more scared of you than you are of it." they say. I say BS.
CallMeMcFeelii 14
Raccoons are ******* evil. I had one latch ahold of my boot one day when I was chasing it outta my yard with a bat. I had a dog and raccoons are known to have some diseases so all you PETA people don't bitch about "cruelty to rabid animals".
KingCeltic77 18
Oh PETA. Don't get me started on that lot.
jddelatte 5
Not true
Life_is_FML 22
The raccoon wasn't probably very happy with you exploding outside and making his house stink up. The value could go down with neighbors like that! But it does suck for you op. Rocky sends his apologies.
Snackycake 20
The raccoons strike again, those furry little bastards....