Today, I'm trapped in my apartment, due to the fact that five raccoons have decided to sit outside my only door and prevent me from getting out. Every time I look at one, they hiss at me. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I tried to pet what I thought was a cute cat under my porch. As it turned out, it was actually a raccoon. It hissed at me, and I screamed so loud that my neighbors came running. FML
Today, I saw a raccoon family on my front porch. There were 3 little babies. Wanting to keep one as a pet, I scooped up one of the babies. The mother raccoon turned around, made a bizarre roaring, hissing sound, and attacked me. I’m currently in the ER covered in grass and scratches. FML
Today, I'm trapped in my apartment. My new cat won't let me leave. Every time I try, he blocks the door, hisses and tries to savage me. I'm my own cat's bitch. FML
Today, I was bringing the garbage cans inside and noticed one felt a little heavy. I opened it, only to find a raccoon. A very angry raccoon. FML
Today, while sitting on my front porch, my cat came up beside me. I started idly stroking her, only to turn and realize I was petting a wild raccoon. FML
Today, I found an enormous raccoon in my backyard. After a couple of nasty scratches, I finally managed to capture the filthy animal. After calling animal control to relocate it, I waited for hours to learn that "relocating" actually means releasing it into my front yard 10 feet away. FML
Today I opened the door for my cat and he brought in a rat with him. Now the rat is hiding in my house. FML
Today, a wild squirrel managed to get into my house. I can't see him… but I can hear him in the walls. FML
Today, I went to use a public restroom. I walked into the first stall and found it occupied… by a raccoon. It hissed at me, and in my panic, I backed into a janitor's cart, knocking over the mop and bucket. I had to leave the bathroom drenched in dirty water while a crowd of people watched. FML
Today, at work, my boss made me spend a hour trying to catch a baby raccoon in the parking lot. I'm a bank teller. FML
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Top comments
chevygirl23 17
Call animal control
Trym 7
Hiss back! Display your dominance!
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Comments (157)
chevygirl23 17
Call animal control
Vanessa_Leeann26 17
Right? I'm not sure why posting on FML was his first move.. I would've called first then posted. Lmao
Kyuzomi 12
How do you know what he did first?
efettes 19
You mean animal coontrol lol ... anyone?
alycion 39
Around here animal control tells you to call a private company or trap them yourself. The private company wanted $600. Had one take up camp in my backyard. He moved on when the pool cage went up and he couldn't get to his water source.
SnowboarderFX 14
Or shoot them..
FangirlingAlways 14
Wouldn't matter if you're an antisocial person like me! But you still would have to go to school/work. Climb out the window.
142_cats 13
Throw a big sheet/tarp over them then while they're blinded, jump 'em and trap them in the tarp/sheet then release them into your neighbors yard.
prinncess00 16
Side window escape?
incoherentrmblr 22
Isn't that a fire hazard to only have one exit?
jazzy_123 20
#1, oh I don't know. Last time I called them so they could pick up my mother-in-law... they never came :(
kenyalovesarah 11
What did you do to them to make them gang up on you? Maybe call an exterminator?
adrianh1090 12
Just go outside and handle them?
TheCrispyCat 20
Just go outside and have all 5 jump up at you and attack you and risk them getting inside?
adrianh1090 12
Better hope raccoons don't kill a human. -_-
Damian95 16
As a raccoon hunter, I know from experience that if you just make a loud noise or mock charge them, they'll run. Unless they are acting strange or have rabies. In that case, animal control would be best.
blackonblight 33
Camping outside the door and hissing isn't considered acting strange?
NeatNit 33
Just ******* ignore them and/or act intimidating. What the **** could a bunch of raccoons do to you? YDI. #83 - what's a raccoon hunter? is there a lot of demand in that field? :P
Damian95 16
Actually yes. Russia and China at times are in need of furs. So you stay out all night killing and skinning, and then you get payed handsomely/unhandsomely by a fur buyer. The prices have just now risen where it's worth it to do again.
TunaFireStarter 16
The racoons in my city don't run. I've thrown stuff at them, ran at them, and yelled 'til I turned blue and they won't leave. The only thing that scares them is the 10 lb dog in my profile pic! They ate all my goldfish/koi and ripped the tarp for the pond so now I can't have fish out there :(
Alexthegreat475 13
Throw a shiny object put your door, raccoons love shiny objects.
Epikouros 32
Wouldn't that just encourage them? Don't negotiate with terrorists!
VeganVampyre 27
They also love candles. I was gonna say toss out some tea lights and while they're distracted, run!
Alexthegreat475 13
* out your door
jellybeens_fml 16
Throw food outside your door and RUNNNNNN
Trym 7
Hiss back! Display your dominance!
simplysarcastics 26
A gang of racoons? are you considering joining op, you know get affiliated? It won't be hard to get initiated you probably have to knock out a few squirrels.
RedPillSucks 33
For a bonus, you get a cool racoon tattoo, maybe Sly Cooper (wait, is that a fox or a racoon?)
DanielRamirez 10
They're there for the initiation xD
spoo 24
The jackets are way to expensive
TallMist 32
One of us... One of us...
steffidallasbfl 16
Call animal control. Raccoons are evil.
coried91 28
Call Turtleman! He'll deal with them humanely. Then again you have to live in or near Kentucky.
blackonblight 33
That show is a hoax. They plant the animals. Got in trouble for planting venomous snakes near a public pool for a taping after the city said no. Showed up on a Monday night roundup of news stories a while back, I'd get the link but I'm mobile.
coried91 28
I've seen the show a handful of times, I'm not a dedicated fan. I was also just making a joke. I'll find the news story though because now I'm interested.
kurodansei 16
Next thing you know the Umberella Corporation will be knocking at you door, becayse your in... *shades in* Racoon City.
kurodansei 16
shades on*
ChenEighty 20
Also, *because
Zebediabolical 45
Also: *you're
Welshite 40
Also: "raccoon".
MrSassypants 34
Also: Umbrella*.
Fuaaad1994 31
Also: your*
kurodansei 16
thanks guys
spoo 24
WOW. Also: You are = You're
VeganVampyre 27
That one was already covered, 97. Nice try though.