Today, I was caught whacking off by my mother. She now takes every free moment of her time to read extracts from the Bible to me. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my very religious grandmother walked in on me masturbating. She's sending me to bible camp. FML
Today, despite being 21 years old and living in my own place, my mom still managed to walk in on me whacking off. FML
Today, I walked into my room and watched as my fanatically religious mother sniffed the used tissues in my trash bin to make sure I wasn't masturbating. FML
Today, my mom caught me watching porn, and now she has learned just how easy it is to access porn online, she's sending as many messages as she can to every porn site she can find, telling them they should shut down for the sake of Christian decency. She actually thinks they’ll listen to her. FML
Today, my mom bitched me out and threatened to send me to a Bible camp, after catching me admiring a photo of a bikini model, which is apparently "immoral behavior." This is the same woman who cheated on my dad twice, justifying it by claiming the Devil tempted her. FML
Today, my soon-to-be mother-in-law walked in on me masturbating, in my own house. FML
Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML
Today, I walked in on my mother rubbing one out. For the third time. I then had to explain to her, also for the third time, why pleasuring herself in the living room is inappropriate. FML
Today, my mom caught me talking to my penis. FML
Today, my extremely religious mom ranted at me, saying I'd only bought an electric toothbrush so I could masturbate with it. I'm a guy. FML
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Top comments
choshaki 8
haha next time make sexual noise maybe then she will leave u alone..
BelleBelle_fml 11
How do all of these people keep getting caught masturbating or having sex?! Lol you'd think they would learn by now...
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Comments (84)
choshaki 8
haha next time make sexual noise maybe then she will leave u alone..
88yasha 7
All the guys do it. What's wrong with it?
CattyPurry 0
masterbating is a natural and healthy thing to do, but in the Catholic and Christian religion (I'm not sure if in any other religion) it is a sin to do. :P
Bijaglo 3
I am happy I am an atheist...
88yasha 7
12 - catholic and Christian religion are the same thing. Just letting you know....
CattyPurry 0
no it isn't. i'm Catholic, and there are certain things Christians don't believe in that we do..
88yasha 7
Catholic is a branch of Christianity! There are many other branches, but the two biggest ones are Catholic branch and Othodox branch. So if you are catholic, then your Christian.
thefriendlyc 0
Everyone who can jacks off.
CattyPurry 0
23, that may be true but you do realize that Catholics believe in certain things that Christians don't, bro?
88yasha 7
26 - once again when you say Christian, who do you mean? There are many branches.
Sydknee 8
26 - yes that is one of the reasons for the branches of chritianity, differences in beliefs. Christrianity is the main group, catholics, baptists, ipiscapal and others are sub groups. yea. I made a lot of spelling mistakes.
SoccerRebel594 0
26- I'm sorry, but you just made yourself sound ignorant. I'm Lutheran, and I am Christian. You are Catholic, and yet you are still Christian. Catholicism is usually recognized as the original organized Christian denomination. The other two big ones are Protestant and Orthodox. The only one I'd say isn't true Christianity is mormon faith.
guitgod1 11
All Catholics are Christians but not all Christians are Catholic. Got it?
jayalexander 7
I dot believe in atheism, if I can't see it then it doesn't exist.
OrgasmicBunnies 9
Haha I burnt my bible a few days ago. Woo blasphemy day in September. ANYWAYS! Op, you need to read her all the excerpts that say it's ok to rape women. She might leave you alone, or again, my favorite for when Johavas witnesses come; Use demonic possession, and sacrifice a goat in the middle of your living room and commit a blood orgy, and write Hail Satan 666 on the wall in goat blood. I love Sundays.
KaintukeeBob 13
No, he simply needs to ask his mother to start reading to him from Song of Solomon. Then start masturbating to it. In all seriousness, masturbation is less dangerous than reading the Bible - most people I know who've masturbated never finished and decided to invade another country with an army, slaughter the populace, and send Europe into a downward spiral from which it would take centuries to recover (as happened with the Crusades), they just tend to be in a better mood, if slightly sleepy.
shannonreneee 11
Who gives a ****, it's so annoying, God is pretty chill and won't smite you because you fondled the junk he made. Least you're appreciate what He gave you. Some people are too hard core.
imthatguythatdid 0
Im baptist. Just sayin
Laurenlou 24
15- You are very wrong, sorry. 20- You were on the right track but nobody understood what you were saying! I'm Catholic to, I get what you mean! 55- You got it right! Thank you.
SoccerRebel594 0
I'd just appreciate these Christian bashes to stop putting up offensive and ignorant comments. No one is calling you a faithless pile of shit with no soul, please refrain from saying anything of a relatively close level of offense towards us Christians. If you honestly have no better way of professing your particular belief than by bashing other's beliefs, then you can just **** off.
Eaglestrike117 29
HAHA YDI for getting caught. Moron.
kiran_fml 5
Lol I like your wording 68
sylverdrag_fml 9
@61: Well, I guess it does keep you busy. Cleaning up must be a bitch though.
JMoney4110 0
Your mom took that a little too far
RouletteRed 6
No. The power of christ compells you! .... Er .. your penis! xD
bungee_fml 9
Think it's time to get your own place...
knights95 9
If only it was that easy
BelleBelle_fml 11
How do all of these people keep getting caught masturbating or having sex?! Lol you'd think they would learn by now...
JMoney4110 0
How about you grow up and stop making ignorant, idiotic comments
JMoney4110 0
Dammit this comment was meant for the person below her
jren207 24
No matter how hard you try, something always happens to lead to you getting caught.
Pokeemon 3
Whack off into the bible and when she opens it next...
ihatedumbasses 6
That's so wrong and sick
Froggirl14 0
Exactly. It is wrong and sick. And it's not right to whack off. God doesn't like it I promise u that. Maybe u should start reading the bible and become a better person.
Bijaglo 3
That sucks...
bigbadtim 7
Close your door next time.
Perksofbeingawal 0
Everyone whacks off... Doesn't matter what your religious beliefs are. It's a natural thing to do...
JMoney4110 0
That was meant for the person below you. Very sorry
Lennes 12
Considering the book that your username is based off of goes into that, your comment doesn't suorise me.
coltsrock37 15
That sux man. Pick a better spot or something
saIty 17
What would Jesus do?
Fx13mz 7
I think the better question here is WHO would Jesus do?
Krennicus 0
A sleeping virgin. Like father, like son.
Eaglestrike117 29
He would knock up Mary Magdalene and then let himself be executed so as to avoid the child support payments.