Today, my strict Christian mother walked into my room just after I'd finished masturbating. Although dressed, I was still holding the used tissue, which she noticed. Having to think fast to disguise my deed and avoid an entire sermon, I had no option but to blow my nose with the spunky tissue. FML
Collection
Halloween
A failed costume, stolen candy and a very real scare: Halloween, the one night when fear is allowed.
Today, I walked into my room and watched as my fanatically religious mother sniffed the used tissues in my trash bin to make sure I wasn't masturbating. FML
Today, my mother caught me masturbating. Trying to defuse the awkward tension, I said "Oh, I was just thinking about you!" Not a good idea. FML
Today, I was masturbating in my bedroom, when suddenly, my mom opened the door and walked in with guests. I didn't react quick enough. FML
Today, I walked in on my mom giving my dad head. Acting like I hadn't seen anything, I asked if I could use a towel sitting on the dresser. My mom said, "No, we're going to need that one." FML
Today, I went to my cousin's communion. We arrived late and walked to the front of the church where my family was. Everyone stared and laughed but I ignored it. After the service was done, my mom came up to me and pulled a long piece of toilet paper out of my skirt. FML
Today, I was masturbating on my inflatable air mattress that squeaks when you move. Suddenly, my mom burst into my room to ask if I was okay because she thought the squeaking was me crying. I ripped my hands from my pants and turned on my side; she walked over and grabbed my hands to console me. FML
Today, I was afraid my mother had seen the bottle of hand lotion I'd forgotten to take off the desk after I'd whacked off last night, but she acted fine. I went out with friends to find she'd had changed the background to say "Please Do Not Watch Porn on the Family Computer." FML
Today, I was really sick. I had been sneezing all day and my skin had started to dry out. When my mom asked me if I needed anything, I immediately responded with "lotion and tissues," not realizing what I was suggesting. She then talked to me for 20 minutes about how "masturbation is okay." FML
Today, I was caught whacking off by my mother. She now takes every free moment of her time to read extracts from the Bible to me. FML
Today, my soon-to-be mother-in-law walked in on me masturbating, in my own house. FML
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Top comments
MooCowPlywood 9
Hopefully your nose isn't pregnant...
aforbiddendance 23
Now you (kind of) know how girls feel.
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Comments (170)
buckdharma 38
So, take another stroke, have a blow for your nose. And one more blink fool, will ground you. Ooooh that smell. Can't you smell that smell?
Ray_of_midnight 23
@64 sounds more like "Christianity" as a cover for emotional abuse. Some basic level of privacy is a human right, including the idea that children have a right to keep some things private from their parents. Parents in general should not go snooping through their kids' stuff unless they have reasonable suspicion of wrongdoing.
probablyeatin 13
I think I'm gonna be sick…
thenewgirl29 20
Omg everyone masturbates. You don't want to think about it but your mom probably does too. This story is pretty gross though. Lol
mattg47 5
Sounds like a... Sticky situation!
elsuperloco68 12
At least she say" Spray some febreeze in here, it smells like the devils breath!!"
shaytards_fml 9
why do guys use tissues?
TcheQ 12
Because they are too wussy to lie in their own cum-covered beds. Some of us need paper towels.
vikky538 29
think it just like you wiped your other nose..
jakerrrbaker 8
Takes quick thinking to get out of a sticky situation.
TcheQ 12
Dafuq how does one load get absorbed in a tissue