Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. The words "Christ, Jeff. It's a vagina, not a burrito. CALM DOWN!" were spoken. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. Let's just say pubes and toilet paper residue were the least of my problems. FML
Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. I thought it was all going really well, until I looked up a minute or two in, only to be greeted by a stone-cold death glare and the words, "You really are an idiot, aren't you?" FML
Today, I kissed my girlfriend for the first time. She recoiled in horror and asked if someone had taken a shit in my mouth. FML
Today, I was going down on my girlfriend. I thought everything was going well, then all of a sudden she gets up and screams at me "IT'S NOT A TACO EATING COMPETITION, CHILL OUT." FML
Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. I went slowly to build up the excitement, and I thought it was working really well, until he sighed, "For fuck's sake, it's a dick, not a shotgun." and told me to stop embarrassing him. FML
Today, my girlfriend and I were about to have sex for the first time. We are both virgins. After we kissed and I took down my pants, she screamed and said "That THING is going to break me." We never did it. FML
Today, I was fooling around with my girlfriend for the first time. She put her hand on my cock over my jeans and said, "Get hard for me." I was hard. FML
Today, I went all the way for the first time with my girlfriend. After I had finished, she asked me, "What just happened? Was that sex?" I wasn't sure either. FML
Today, I made my new girlfriend orgasm for the first time. All she said after was "I drooled a little". FML
Today, for the very first time I got it on with my girlfriend. Unfortunately, afterwards I had a terrible tummy ache and let out a very noisy fart. I'm not sure she'll still be my girlfriend tomorrow. FML
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Top comments
KeinBaum 12
At least she's giving feedback and seems to have quite some humor.
TTowntitan13 8
Actually it's a taco...so I think you were pretty close to doing it right!
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Comments (66)
syed121417 22
Although she was giving you instructions and that's hard to do sometimes, I feel like she was too blunt with it. People don't realize how sensitive people can be in bed. Instead of saying that and telling you to "calm down" she should be mature enough to know that you were trying to please her and gently tell you to be softer. Tip: using the tip of your tongue oppose to your entire mouth on more sensitive areas will make a big difference.
garrett_8614 14
Don't see why this is downvoted
kewpiesuicide 29
Every woman likes something different and they usually like to switch it up pretty often as well. There's no right or wrong necessarily, you just have to go with what she's feeling at the time.
culphy 14
I actually prefer the opposite. I cannot stand just the tip of the tongue and prefer a flatter tongue with longer strokes. She needs to voice her specific tastes to him because, as you can see, people have different needs.
syed121417 22
You're right and people definitely have different preferences. I was just giving OP a suggestion.
MrDonSalvetti 27
NOMNOMNOM...
siggy_mcsigx 22
Maybe it hurt her a little bit so she snapped a little? That's pretty funny but I can understand it stinging you, especially the first time.
mylifebitches666 18
I call bullshit. This has been posted before and OP didn't even bother to change the name "Jeff".
hannahgrace972 1
who wants to come over? ?
Vitally 6
Plot twist: it wasn't the girlfriend who said it.
stephenc98 2
Gahaha this made my day haha
vikky538 29
treat it like a quesorito....
thatotherchick 3
Wow. She maybe could have phrased it differently but I'm sorry dude that's hilarious.
Dave_Davington 34
Someone needs to put that on a T-shirt.