Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. I thought it was all going really well, until I looked up a minute or two in, only to be greeted by a stone-cold death glare and the words, "You really are an idiot, aren't you?" FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, I kissed my girlfriend for the first time. She recoiled in horror and asked if someone had taken a shit in my mouth. FML
Today, I was all set to lose my virginity to my girlfriend. I was ecstatic, until she threatened to "beat the fuck" out of me if I didn't make it good for her. The actual sex was 30 seconds of me being given death glares, causing me to lose my boner, and have to leave in shame. FML
Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. The words "Christ, Jeff. It's a vagina, not a burrito. CALM DOWN!" were spoken. FML
Today, I went down on my boyfriend for the first time. I went slowly to build up the excitement, and I thought it was working really well, until he sighed, "For fuck's sake, it's a dick, not a shotgun." and told me to stop embarrassing him. FML
Today, my girlfriend was giving me amazing head. I was really getting into it, when she looked up, and gave me a thumbs up. I can never take oral sex seriously again. FML
Today, I was making out with my girlfriend for the first time, and she reached down to feel me up. When her hands got there, she stopped and said, "You're not even hard..." I was. FML
Today, my girlfriend of two years and I decided to have sex for the first time. When we were in the room, finally ready to start, she confessed that she had never seen a penis before. To make her more comfortable, I showed her mine. At the sight of it, well, she actually fainted. FML
Today, I went down on my girlfriend for the first time. Let's just say pubes and toilet paper residue were the least of my problems. FML
Today, I woke up to a really cold feeling down below. I opened my eyes and saw my girlfriend grinning like a maniac and holding my crotch-sausage between two scissor blades. I screamed in terror like a little bitch, and she says I'm never gonna live this down. FML
Today, I went all the way for the first time with my girlfriend. After I had finished, she asked me, "What just happened? Was that sex?" I wasn't sure either. FML
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Top comments
Spongii101 12
What the hell were you doing to her?!
DomDomxoxo 16
That's pretty harsh, at least you tried it out for her. I know some guys who always expect head and don't give anything back...
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Comments (155)
neurodoc 1
Don't worry. Practice makes perfect. Keep on trying ! Eventually you'll start to savor the fish taco. :P
CrewBoy 10
Well thanks to that imagery I don't think I'll be going down on my girl tonight.... :/
MDTeddy 13
I can't believe she got an attitude about it. >.>
P374RD3D 9
^Everyone has a bitch switch. Some people forget to turn it off.
BossPathfinderGM 14
Still, it would benefit her to teach him what she likes rather than insult the man trying to please her. Everyone likes different things; communication is key for a satisfying sex life.
ositoakaluis 16
Comment moderated for rule-breaking.
Technically she didn't say anything, but the boyfriend did assumed the girlfriend was giving him a death stare when that could have been her pleasure face
happle 21
47-She called him an idiot. That's pretty rude. I would never say that to my boyfriend, especially when he doing something for me.
adamcichuttek 2
38 - does your user name mean Petered?
MikeFoxtrot01594 11
Maybe it was because OP stopped that he got the death-glare.
AcieMcG 21
**** wouldn't help it's usually like 2 seconds of cunninglingus, if there's any at all lol
AllThingsBright_ 11
Fish taco? I don't quite understand why everyone thinks women taste like/ smell like fish/fish tacos down there... I sure as hell don't. Going down on a woman, they should faintly taste a little salty but if it's fishy you should tell her to get her shit checked out.
unknown_user5566 27
1- Agreed. From what I've gathered in my experience, as well as from talking to my friends, most guys don't get it right the first time. Every woman is different and should be treated as a learning experience; hopefully OP's girl stops acting like a bitch, and helps him out for round two.
CrewBoy 10
70 I have never been with a girl that I would classify as salty. It's way more of a bitter taste almost tonic like metallic taste. And yes most women SMELL a little bit but do not taste like a fish.
AllThingsBright_ 11
Not SALTY. It almost tastes like nothing with a hint of salt. Like tears? It's hard to describe.
xx1988 15
The ph of a normal, healthy ****** is around 4 - slightly acidic and therefore slightly sour-tasting. There may be some sodium in the secretions so the taste may also be slightly salty. Normal vaginas do not smell like fish unless they have a bacterial infection, which are common and can often be otherwise asymptomatic.
vip3r20 8
How bout she said that to him for stopping? She was probably about to climax and he looked up at the perfect wrong time. So he deserves it.
DataWog 30
As an owner of a uterus, I fully acknowledge and accept that my genitals can and will smell like tuna if they so choose. Fortunately, I am in the habit of taking showers daily and am slightly OCD about my personal hygiene so those situations are rare.
CrewBoy 10
I know what a natural lubrication tastes like haha. You don't have to explain it to me ma'am.
meganfoxissexy 0
97- well you're cool....
CrewBoy 10
98. I'm stating it because she's trying to explain to me what a ******* pussy tastes like. Get off your high horse.
Laurenlou 24
A woman's diet will really effect the way they smell/taste down there. Red meat makes any body order smell not so pleasant, so that explains why a lot of women slightly have a smell. Fruits and veggies can even that out though! I've been a vegetarian for 3 years now and I've never smelled at all down there since. (Plus proper washing of course.)
Peebo_man 12
*********** tastes like tears? How surprising...
lexiale 10
OP, it's time to find a new girlfriend (:
strawberrystar 4
Prob retarded,which looks stupid,idk why he made that his user name
Spongii101 12
What the hell were you doing to her?!
blcksocks 19
You are not supposed to eat it. Wait I mean, not literally...
1Brucie 2
Probably licking it like an ice-lolly :D
CrewBoy 10
Probably didn't grind his teeth on her ******** enough. That's what really makes the ladies scream.
happle 21
32- That sounds painful. o.o
iBiteRoses 22
That's what I wanted to know!!! I'm dying of curiosity.
BeaterOfTheDrums 15
48: that's why they scream.
lidget 5
Crewboy, your comment brings me physical pain!
mfischer 17
63 - Says the one with a dick punch for their profile picture.
bakunin 4
76- it's because you're a drama queen. Getting all pissed off if you don't get what you want and sh*t.
lidget 5
69 - well played XD
monkers 10
Yeah, scream in pain!
Karalela44 15
I like how people are side-tracking in this reply section xD
angeluv_2014 22
There was aabout to be a "what yhe **** did you do?" if you hadn't put this comment.
DrainedOfSanity 4
This why men are useless...
Tessy7 9
Should have paid a bit more attention to body language! Maybe you could have figured out what you were supposed to do!
feldco1 17
The gf could have given some direction too.
ICastillo 25
You have to flick the bean....you can't forget that.
Tessy7 9
36 and 58 Both are true! She could have at least been a bit more nicer to help him .
green2go 14
Or op could have aspergers and is in capable of reading body language like myself
ryrock310 10
92- there is no evidence of that whatsoever. You are drawing a conclusion without anything backing it up.... Also it is uncommon and therefore the odds are not high.
geko911 22
92 - i have Aspergers and can still read body language... Are you the kind of person who sneezes and thinks he's got pneumonia?
geko911 22
92 - i have Aspergers and can still read body language... Are you the kind of person who sneezes and thinks he's got pneumonia?
PlayWithElmo 7
There are different severities of Aspergers, and everyone has different symptoms of it. No need to be rude.
DomDomxoxo 16
That's pretty harsh, at least you tried it out for her. I know some guys who always expect head and don't give anything back...
rsunshine2020 13
Yeah kudos for trying and Practice does make perfect ;)
gman90210 18
I will definitely do you right when you want
AKGirlinSD 20
I agree but the girlfriend didn't have to be a bitch about it. She should have told him politely that what he was doing wasn't working and she would love to give a few pointers.
Church_Vii 4
Ask her to show you what she prefers, and try not to be too..over zealous.
sutianneli 13
It took you a minute or two to realize she wasn't enjoying it? Well that answers the question.
flutter4 7
No one is good the first time
CrewBoy 10
No one is "great" you can be good your first time if you have even the slightest idea of what is what.
saIty 17
Gotta watch more ****.
windfuelsfire 10
Amateur, but not "professionnal", where fake-titted, completely pubeless platinum blondes fake orgasms as easily as they take off clothes
nukeacat 9
Your picture goes quite well with your comment.
gc327072 31
7- "dingleberg......"
windfuelsfire 10
Haha! nuke, touché.
Enslaved 38
If you do watch **** to learn how to go down on a girl, at least watch **** that's catered to "women". A crazy flickering tongue looks good on film but a more controlled, mouth that stays pressed against the body is a much better approach.
jbwlifefml 0
Dinkleberg...
alessiaxxooo 3
So he can learn moves by watching some fake **** and drugged up guys with hard ons that last for like an hour? Oh and not to mention hurt the girl?Alrighty then.
doubledee93 6
even though OP was doing something wrong didnt mean the girlfriend had to be a bitch....
bethrocksya 9
Exactly what I was thinking! What a mean girlfriend! ):
the_true_batman 10
I hope you gave her clit a good solid bite after that.
cpucooler 4
I think OP would need to find it first.
lidget 5
Owwwwwwwww
JC_1218_Forever 2
Hurts just thinking about it!
heather_rugby 9
I've been squirming since I read that
windfuelsfire 10
If you can't identify where the ******** is, I understand why she reacted, but she has a pretty bad attitude.. I think her mistake is worse than the one you made. Keep your chin up OP, learn well and maybe get to satisfy a girl that doesn't act like a bitch?