Today, my roommate, who happens to be a writer, got so pissed off at his editor that he got drunk, wrapped his arms around my waist, and only stopped when I agreed to spoon him. This is not the first time this has happened either. FML
Collection
Fall
Dead leaves, the first cold of the season and an umbrella flipped inside out: fall, the season of grace.
Today, my loser roommate got wasted. He comes to me before going to bed, tells me he loves me, tries to hug me, then explosively vomits all over my face, my hair, my clothes. Then spends the rest of the night retching. FML
Today, my roommate made out with this guy I kind of had a thing for. It wasn't a big deal to sober me, but drunk me wasn't having it. I drank half a bottle of vodka, punched a hole in a wall, and cried while laying on the floor. FML
Today, my roommate came home after a night of heavy drinking and started urinating on my bed. When I confronted him, he just slurred, "Sorry, thought it was my bed." FML
Today, a guy drunkenly professed his love for me. He did this after walking in on me peeing, which he decided was the time to tell me such a thing. FML
Today, my husband asked me to spoon him. He used it as an excuse to start farting on me. Yep, this is my husband. FML
Today, I was cuddling up on the couch with my girlfriend, when my drunken mother walked in the room, slurred out, "Room for one more?" and leaped on top of us. FML
Today, I woke up to my roommate trying to put a burrito and a pack of mild sauce in between my boobs. He's only lived here for two weeks, and this is the second time I've woken up to him doing something like this. FML
Today, my roommate hooked up with a guy she met at a party. After telling me about it, she says to me, "Maybe next time we go out we'll hit someone over the head and drag him back here for you." Apparently the only way I can get a guy is if he's unconscious. FML
Today, I finally made a move on the guy I've been crushing on for years… by getting so drunk that I puked in his lap. FML
Today, I had to lie to my female roommate about what happened last night. She was drunk and spent half the night cuddling with me and trying to get me to kiss her. I've loved this girl for two years, but I promised her I wouldn't let her cheat on her boyfriend with anyone. Even me. FML
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Top comments
Xiktyr 5
Uhh.. switch rooms, man.
jayray313 21
Sounds like your roommate has a crush on you. He only acts on it when the alcohol lowers his inhibitions.
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Comments (97)
pizzzah 9
and thats why he dropped out of college and changed his book to 'A Brief History as Ass'
Bunny260 0
MELLO?!?! IS THAT YOUUU?
rdenkewicz 11
Dude, sleep face up!
staroftexas9 3
Had you put a stop to it the first time there wouldn't be a second time. YDI
limabeans101029 21
It's not always that easy to just "put a stop to it". That's like saying to a rape victim "If you'd put a stop to it, it wouldn't have happened". (Obviously that's on a much bigger scale but you get my point).
Zebediabolical 45
I think its more like telling a rape victim 'you should have called the police the first time then he probably wouldn't have done it the second time.'
LegendaryMant 4
You guys may be looking at this situation all wrong... Often there is a fine line between genius and insanity. Since what the roommate did sounds batshit crazy - he could possibly be an incredible writer. If he goes down in history then op gets to share a strange little piece of that history. ...That or he is actually batshit crazy.
jacobleo 1
69th comment stop here
PurpleDrankkx 7
Why does it matter he's a writer? Lol
TheyCallMeDamien 18
Flag on the play, yellow card, red card whatever the penalty is called this is a violation.
TheCerealKiller 24
Bromance? I spoon my friends all the time. Then again, I'm a girl.
djinnyf 12
Controlling, creepy and even rapey.... Ruuuun!