Health

Today, I woke up on an airplane in Rome. As I was sleeping, I had covered myself and the seat in period blood. FML

Great

Today, my daughter was stung by a bark scorpion, requiring a visit to the ER. Luckily, we were seen quickly. Unfortunately, due to a new policy, the medicine used to treat the sting is not available for children as it "might" cause low blood pressure. Awesome. FML

Today, it doesn’t matter that I had major surgery on my hand 2 days ago and am supposed to be on bed rest with no hand movement for 3 weeks. According to my father and my husband, it doesn’t excuse me from wifely house duties and being the sole caretaker of our one-year-old. FML

Today, I moved into a new downstairs flat. I promptly fell down said stairs. I have a broken pelvis now and can't walk or go down steps for 3 months. FML

Today, while getting my teeth cleaned, the dentist’s boobs kept hitting me. Normally I wouldn’t care, but she’s a new mother. There was milk on my shoulder. FML

Today, my husband thought it was the best idea ever to clean the cat's litter box with the brand new vacuum cleaner instead of tipping it into a bin bag. My house now fills with the smell of warm cat piss every time I hoover. FML

Today, I was in a car accident with my dad. A wheel slammed into my door, dislocating my arm and breaking it in three places. Later on, the people who hit us came over and gave my little sister a gift basket. She wasn't even in the car. FML

Regrettable fashion choices

Today, at work, I heard a child whisper, "Mom, why do that woman's ears look like that?" The mom replied, "Because she's not smart enough for a good job." I have large plug ears and a degree in mechanical engineering. I waitress because no engineering firm will hire me. FML

Today, I found the special needle I needed yesterday for a school biology project. I found it by walking around barefoot at 5 am. FML

Today, I dropped my phone in the parking lot and it landed next to a car tire. As I reached to pick it up, the car backed up and ran over my phone and my hand. Hello, emergency room! FML

What's up, doc?

Today, I went to the doctor because of the redness and swelling of my penis, hoping that it was just a minor rash or allergic reaction. Nope! According to the doctor, who could barely stop herself from laughing, it's good old-fashioned friction burns. FML

Today, our hot water tank got replaced because all our hot water had been smelling old and musty for a month now. There was a dead seagull in the tank. FML

Today, my high school speech therapist introduced me to the other autistic kid in school without fully informing either of us. We got into a fist fight because we each thought the other guy was imitating us. FML

Barf

Today, whilst driving, I had the sudden urge to vomit. As I pulled over I wound my window down, stuck my head out, and emptied my stomach. At least I would have if I had wound down the driver's window instead of the back window. FML

Today, I learnt that my guinea pig can shoot poop across the room like a tiny brown torpedo. How did I find this out? It landed in my coffee. It wasn't until after I'd finished my coffee that I noticed it. FML

Today, while visiting my son at university, I noticed a funky smell in his room. He admitted to not changing his bedsheets since he moved in 2.5 years ago. I’ve raised an animal. FML

Today, my boyfriend put chili powder on our loo roll as a "harmless" prank. He forgot women use loo roll to wipe the sensitive parts of their bodies. I have itchy weeping sores inside my vagina and am considering sticking an ice cube up there to stop the burning. FML

Douchebag Alert!

Today, my brother bragged about the number of break-up texts he sent this week while driving. I don't know what's worse, the fact that he was dating 3 girls, that he broke up with them over text, that he was texting and driving, or that he's proud of his actions. FML

What the Duck?

Today, on the way to class, I got distracted while watching some ducks and walked face-first into a concrete pole. I ended up with a black eye and three stitches. Even the nurse laughed. FML

Happy Easter!

Today, I was stuck in the bathroom with no toilet paper in a family member’s house. I looked around and found baby wipes. I was saved! Unfortunately, they were actually Clorox wipes. The bleach gave me a chemical burn in my ass. FML

Ouch

Today, I went in for an STD test. The Q-tip broke off in my urethra. FML

Today, our toilet overflowed during the night. Over 50 gallons worth leaked through the floor and the ceiling to the room below. I am now covered in poop water. What a way to start the day. FML

Today, after a week on bed rest in a cast after ankle surgery, I got so bored and lonely I agreed to do an hour-long government phone survey just to have someone to talk to. FML

Today, after three weeks in the hospital for a lung infection, I was released. On the way home, another car ran a red light and T-boned my car. Back to the hospital I go. FML

Cute

Today, I met the "cute guy" I've been chatting with online for a few months. He never smiled in pics, but I didn't think anything of it until I got to his place and he started talking. He didn't have a single tooth in his mouth. FML

Today, while playing on stage, the singer of my band swung his microphone around, straight into my face. I now have stitches above my right eye, and a job interview in three days. FML

he ded

Today, while on an airboat exploring the Everglades, my cousin decided it would be funny to push me off the boat. Into water full of alligators. FML

*buys case of Listerine*

Today, I wasn't feeling well at work. While I was in the bathroom losing my lunch, a very large piece of food came up. The resulting splash of toilet water went straight up into my mouth. FML