Today, I realized it became my duty as an American to check in on nearby friends and family every time another mass shooting happens. My government refuses to do anything about it. FML
Today, I heard something that sounded like a series of gunshots outside my house. My Dad screamed, "Get down!" at the top of his lungs. The whole family immediately dropped to the floor, my sister whimpering and trembling, only moments later to hear my Dad cackling uncontrollably over us. They were just fireworks. FML
Today, my husband excitedly came home from the gun show with a new lower receiver. I, however, had to go back out and get my own birthday cake. FML
Today, I walked out of my house wearing only boxers, only to be greeted by kids with paintball guns. FML
Today, I got shot in the leg while taking a firearms safety course. FML
Today, and for years, we've had an old rifle on the wall in my dad's office that his grandad brought back from WW2. Purely on a whim because I was bored I took it down, aimed it at random things making "bang bang" noises. It was still loaded and now my dad's university diploma has a big big hole in it. FML
Today, while going on a jog through the countryside, I discovered that it is actually possible outside of crappy TV shows to have a rifle leveled at you, and to be shouted at to, "Get off my land." FML
Today, I was walking my dog in my suburban neighborhood when all of a sudden we practically jumped out of our skin (and fur) when we heard what I assumed were fireworks. Nope, someone down the street was testing their new AR-15 in their backyard. All perfectly legal. FML
Today, I got shot at. Not by police, but by a hunter. While at work. Driving a garbage truck. How the hell a hunter mistook an orange-clad garbageman in a truck for a deer is beyond me. FML
Today, I found out that the loud "firecrackers" I heard the night before were actually shotgun blasts by my neighbor murdering his girlfriend. FML
Today, my 14 year-old son asked to join my buddies and me at the gun range. The second I finished the safety lecture and handed him a pistol, he started twirling it on his finger (thankfully, it was unloaded). I smacked him in the head and took him home. Now he's moping and sulking like a bitch. FML
Today, in an attempt to win a political argument, I recorded myself walking into a gun store and asking which gun would be best to hypothetically deal with my neighbor's annoying kids. I now have a recording of myself being chewed out, banned for life, and perp-walked out the door. FML
Today, I was dragged by my dad to the gun range for his pipe dream of a competitive shooting team. Apparently, plinking away on .22s while he and his ex-military buddies compare guns and trade sci-fi war stories until 7 PM is more important than the two research papers I'd set aside to write. FML
Today, I went shooting with my dad and he brought his grandfather's rifle with him. I’ve never shot it before and he told me to be careful with it. The bullet exploded, ruptured the barrel, cut my face, and made me deaf in one ear. Dad still blamed me for “not shooting it properly.” FML
Today, as I enjoyed my peaceful evening, I realized that my redneck neighbors had gone into the hills to shoot machine guns. How the almighty f**k did they get MACHINE GUNS? FML
Today, my psycho ex showed up at my doorstep to beg me to take her back, so I pulled my gun on her. I just found out she's pressing charges. FML
Today, my girlfriend called me an "obsessive weirdo" for always checking the chamber on my handgun whenever I pick it up. The last time I let her touch it, she mishandled it and shot a hole in the floor. Glad she's learned her lesson. FML
Today, my ex shot me. Actually shot me. After I woke up from surgery, I told my manager I would obviously need sick leave. She told me she was shot in the army, and got over it because she’s "not a pussy", so she expects me back at work, recovering from a gunshot to the chest, by Tuesday. FML
Today, a coyote turned up in the yard where my son and his friend were playing. It was aggressive and foaming at the mouth, so I called the boys inside, and shot it. Now my wife is scared of me and half the neighborhood wants me gone for "dangerous behavior." FML
Today, my school caught a kid with a firearm, so during our lunch period we had to stay in our classrooms and nobody can leave and nobody can get food. FML
Today, I mentioned to my parents that, considering the state of the world, the government needs to get its act together and ban guns, gas cars, meat, animal products, and plastic, among other things. They threatened to kick me out, saying I should "go live with the other dumbass hippies." FML
Today, my mom broke it off with her online boyfriend. That wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact he's in the military, knows our address, and apparently is threatening to kill himself if she doesn't take him back. She tells me not to worry cause we have guns in the house, but I still don't feel safe. FML
Today, I asked a girl from class out. Not only did she say, "Ew, no way, never, creepo!", but four hours later her boyfriend, who I didn't know about, threatened me with a gun if I ever even looked at his girl again. FML
Today, I went blueberry picking for the first time since I was a kid. In a huge lot with no one in it, a pickup truck choose to block us into a corner lot spot. When asked to move, the pickup driver said, “I hope the shade spot was worth it.” He then flashed a gun! FML
Today, my husband told me he didn't want me to get power tools to build things, because he thinks a miter saw and a sanding orbiter are more dangerous than guns. FML
Today, my friend was having a party. It was going good until I got the hiccups really bad, and they wouldn't go away. My friend decided to scare them away by shooting a pellet gun right next to my head. Bad news: It blew out my eardrum. I still have the hiccups. FML
Today, my boyfriend went out and bought a pistol. When I asked him in horror why he did such a thing, he said, "It's my God-given right as a US citizen!" We're not even American, we immigrated from the UK, and we were both atheists, or so I thought. FML
Today, my teenage son broke into my gun safe, took my gun, and dumped the magazine into the side of his ex-girlfriend's family home. He's completely stunned that he was arrested and charged with attempted murder. My wife blames me and wants a divorce. FML
Today, I took my 15-year-old daughter to our local shooting range for her birthday, as she requested. While she was setting up a target in front of me, I jokingly pulled the trigger and shouted, "Think Fast!" not realizing that the safety was off. I shot my daughter in the arm on her birthday. FML
Today, I went to buy oat milk and got caught in an active shooter lockdown at the store. Oh, America, the only place where plant-based dairy is more accessible than mental healthcare. FML
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