Today, my girlfriend accused me of cheating because I've been buying generic groceries instead of name brand to save money. Apparently, I must be using the extra money on another woman. FML
Jaraxxus_fml tells us more.
Jaraxxus_fml 15
OP here! No, we talked about it before this, so she knew why. I'm not sure why she thinks this.
Today, while in the car with my mom, we accidentally ran over a dog who had sprinted into the road. Instead of stopping, my mom continued to drive as if nothing happened. Every time I tried to bring it up, she merely talked loudly over me. FML
Today, my budgie learned to fly, having finally outgrown his clipped wings. He flew straight over the gate, out the door and into my dogs jaws. FML
InsanityShard tells us more.
OP here, I had only had the two budgies for a month, I bought them with their wings clipped but I didn't think he could fly with two inches missing from his wings, especially since he and the other budgie hadn't been doing so well. They couldn't get any lift on any of their attempts, and could only fly about 5 feet or so, so I was fine letting them sit at my window. That;s all they had been doing in the past 2 weeks I'd been letting them out. I was just sitting here, and suddenly I hear my mum screaming- they had somehow flown over the gate and into the living room. Another thing to note is that they had made a lot of noise every other time they flew, but this time I didn't hear them fly at all... I was letting their wings grow out so exactly this couldn't happen. They hadn't been able to fly far enough to get over the gate before, having nothing to jump off and being unable to gain lift. I wanted them to be able to fly away from my mums dog if they got out. Sadly, they tried to fly out the glass door after going out my door and the one the dog got was the same colour as his fluffy toys... I do understand this is at least partially my fault, if not all my fault, I was right here and didn't hear them fly, let alone get over the gate that stops the dog coming in here. I was too focused on what I was doing on my computer at the time.
Today, my friend decided that we should go clubbing together to "catch up". Her version of catching up is me standing beside her making out with some random dude in the parking lot. FML
Today, I learned that lightning and flash flooding are the best motivatiors. I learned this while on a run and 2 miles away from school. FML
benjamin03_fml tells us more.
Op here! To clarify, I was a cross country practice which meets at the school. We run from there and end there at the weight room. I did end up getting soaked, mostly because we got stuck at a red light. Thanks for the comments!
Today, I sent a Snapchat the girl I've been flirting with all week. Her response was the back of her Coke Zero, which had the quote "You've Got a Friend in Me." I got rejected by a soda can. FML
Today, I was washing my car, and I decided to be kind and to wash my elderly neighbor's car. As it turns out, her sunroof was open. FML
Today, I got fired from my first job because of the herpes on my lip. It was actually a second degree burn from soup that splashed on to my lips when I was serving it but my manager doesn't believe me. FML
Today, at church, I sneezed suddenly and messily into my hand just as the priest asked us to stand and greet our neighbors with a handshake. FML
Today, I told my husband that I think he has ADHD. He was offended and began to argue, then he got distracted by a dog outside. FML
Today, after months of putting up with it, I finally asked my manager not to put me on shifts with this old guy who is racist, sexist and lazy. This was how I found out that he died over the weekend. FML
Today, I found my dad on a dating website looking for younger girls. My mother and father are "happily" married, well according to her Facebook profile. FML
Today, I was accepted to the college of my dreams. Then I checked the address. Turns out, the letter was meant for my neighbor. I was actually denied. FML
Today, my friend and I were brushing our teeth, standing side by side. We both have a sympathy gag reflex. He brushed his tongue and gagged, which caused me to gag. So we had a never ending gag-fest until we both began throwing up and couldn't stop until one of us could manage to hold it in. FML
StateOfEuphoria tells us more.
It's what I've always heard people call it, a sympathy gag reflex, but I'm sure there's a different name for it. its just where you gag at the sound of someone else gagging.
Today, I decided to finally talk to my crush. I said, "Hello" to which he replied, "First, dye your hair blonde and grow some boobs, then we can talk business." FML
Today, I was so ashamed of being broke that instead of asking my parents for money, I snuck into their house while they were at work to steal some of their food. FML
Today, I went downstairs to get a drink and overheard my grandparents talking about me. They spent a good 15 minutes double-team attacking me for my failings as a human being, mainly me not being married with children yet. I'm barely 20. FML
Today, I found out the friend I signed a lease with is actually a wanted drug dealer. I only found this out after the police kicked in the door at 5am and raided our house. FML
Today, my parents let me babysit my baby sister for the first time. About an hour after they left, I was carrying her downstairs and tripped. Try calling your parents from the hospital and explaining that their daughter, who can't even crawl yet, has a broken leg. FML
Today, during a heated argument with my son, I lost my temper and called him a son of a bitch. He enthusiastically agreed. FML
Today, I saw a homeless man on the street and decided to give him the dollar bill I had left in my wallet. He said "Thank you" then as I turned to walk away, he muttered "Cheap-ass cunt". FML
Today, I saw an elderly lady fall over in the street. Nobody bothered to do anything, so I went over and helped her up. Instead of thanking me, she called me a pervert and slapped me around with her cane. FML
Today, I was heading out for my flight to Australia. I'd put a padlock on my luggage to keep my wallet and passport safe, only to realize way too late that I'd left the key at home. I couldn't get at my passport and ended up missing my flight and my whole vacation along with it. FML
Today, I was happy because my co-worker was almost about to get fired due to his lazy habits. It was all going so well. Then I accidentally put my biggest sale yet under his name. FML
Today, my roommate's boyfriend professed his love to me. I kicked him out, and he stood outside the door calling my name until he saw my roommate coming down the hall. They both came in and he acted like nothing happened. FML
Today, I was fired for being late to work, even though the only reason I was late was because I had to stop at Starbucks to get my boss a drink. His son, who is at least 30 minutes late to work every day, was just walking in as I was walking out with all of my stuff. FML
Today, I had to deal with yet another day of people looking at my name tag and saying "You know nothing, John Snow." with a shit-eating grin, like they're the wittiest people alive. Then I had to deal with my boss telling me to lighten up, because it's "just a joke". FML
Today, I woke up and found a turd casually sitting in the bathroom sink. Just 9 more months left on this lease. FML
Today, my dad didn't mention he had just aired up the tire on my van and that it might have a hole in it. It wasn't flat when I left the house but it sure as hell was when it exploded, not even a mile down the road. FML
Today, I was told I'm not invited to my best friend's birthday party. Apparently, being divorced and childless doesn't "mesh" well with the rest of the group. My parents are still watching her kids so she can go away for the weekend. FML
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