Today, I finally matched with someone on Tinder after using it for a month. I sent a message and they unmatched. FML
All the FMLs
Glazed over
Today, I went to a job interview. I really needed the job to keep my apartment. As I was being interviewed, the manager looked past me and stared off into space. There goes the job and my apartment. FML
Today I went to my sleep therapist; I sleep 8 hours a night, but I'm still very tired during the day. I'm divorced, so we decided that I would record myself sleeping to see if I might be snoring. We listened to the tape. Not only was I snoring very loudly, I cry all night in my sleep. FM
Today, my boyfriend bought me Cards Against Humanity because he thinks it would give me some motivation to make friends since I only have one and need three to play. Sad thing is, he's right. FML
Today, the owner of the restaurant I work at texted me to let me know the manager does not want me to come in anymore. Why? I'm the most praised of the staff by the customers and they love me, which makes the manager look bad. The owner hired me solely for customer service in the first place. FML
browneyedgirlx3 tells us more.
Hi guys, OP here. Just going to give a bit more detail: the restaurant is Chinese, owned and employed by 99% Chinese. Their culture is entirely foreign to me, and while I did my best to understand it, I've come away from this with the thought process that they are just extremely condescending to anyone who is not Chinese/Asian. The owner hired me specifically to be able to communicate with "Western" customers, as while the staff could speak English, it is not the native language of any of them, and they could not joke and chat with customers the way I could; they were looking specifically for someone of "Western" culture (their words). There were multiple customers who: A) quickly became regulars, despite the restaurant having only just opened, and; B) praised me to many members of the staff, including the manager. The first time I heard a customer tell the manager how good my service was, his response was literally an emotionless: "All staff is good." There were many customers who were disgusted with his treatment of them, and while I tried to defend his actions (and I saved the restaurant losing least one customer [who ended up having a nearly $400 bill] by doing this) by explaining his English was so poor that he did not like to keep conversation going too long, I now think he really is just a grumpy old Chinese man. Now, someone hit the nail on the head by suggesting the owner is inexperienced: this is his first restaurant. The manager has 40 years of restaurant knowledge. I have 6, and so while I understand I may be a bit behind in experience, it doesn't take a brainiac to know how to treat people with common curtesy and respect. This manager is extremely short with customers, barely looks them in the eye, and makes them feel very rushed in everything from ordering to being seated to leaving. He also left me stranded at the restaurant late at night when the busses had stopped running, and if it weren't for the kindness of one of the older waitresses, I honestly don't know how I would have gotten home. I had been thinking of leaving for a new job after that was done anyway, because I could not work with people who are so disrespectful and disregarding of others like that. That was the night I got the text message (last night), so obviously the decision was made for me, but I still think it's so shit how everything turned out. In terms of my job description, I did absolutely everything right (and did everything to alleviate the workload of others). It's just that no matter how much I tried, I just could not connect with any of the Chinese staff, and I think that's what inevitably led to my dismissal. Which, again, I think is shit, because the owner was specifically looking for a "Western" assistant manager (which they didn't give me; they advertised and I accepted the role of assistant manager, but I actually ended up being no more than a waitress/hostess, with the added responsibility of opening in the morning). If it was going to be such an issue with the Chinese staff, they should have never brought a "Western" in in the first place.
Today, I attempted to bleach the little hairs above my lip. I had it on for about 15 seconds. Turns out that the horrible stinging that I had felt meant that it was not just working, but also eating through my skin at the same time. FML
AlmightyVoice tells us more.
Hi OP here! No this was not my first experience with bleaching my upper lip. I have done it many times before but with a different product. I had my friend do it also with me and hers did not end up like mine. Every time I had done it before it had stung so I figured that it was just doing its job but I guess my skin was just very sensitive to the brand I had. Good news is that everything is good now and I will just go back to using the kind I had before. Also the only reason I decided on not shaving or anything else was because I do not want the hair growing in darker or thicker:)
Today, during an important meeting, I forgot the name for West Virginia and described it as, "Virginia a bit to the left". FML
Today, I had to hide some Oreos inside my bra to motivate my husband to get close to me. FML
Today, I learned that marriage isn't all roses and sunshine. Instead, it's digging an infected ingrown hair out of your husband's ass cheek because he can't reach it himself. FML
snazz23 tells us more.
snazz23 20
OP here! So, we're very open about our gross habits. We have no problem popping each others pimples and such. I was actually the one to point out the infection and asked if he wanted me to get it. I'm not grossed out by it, I simply found it funny that everyone always says what bliss being a newlywed is and here I am squeezing and digging and infected hair our of my husband!
Today, I found out that I need to get a root canal, the only day I can get an appointment is on the same day I'm flying out for training for my new job. I can't get out of either, so now need to face my fear of flying and fear of dentists the same day. FML
Today, my current wife left me for my ex-wife. FML
Today, my boss ordered me to read the Twilight series in order to determine if they are "appropriate" for his daughter to read. I'm a 25-year-old bank teller, and I definitely don't remember this in my job description. FML
Today, I made myself a snack. I took a seemingly clean plate from the sink which had been used earlier for scrambled eggs. Only after I'd made the snack did I remember I let my dog lick the plate clean. FML
Today, I told the girl working the scanner that half the documents I was indexing from her were upside down. Now ALL of them are upside down. FML
Freakout
Today, I was peacefully using the toilet when I heard a familiar crunching sound behind me. After shooting up and frantically looking around, I hesitantly closed the toilet lid - just in time to see a black cockroach slip into a crevice of the toilet. The thing was close enough to go up my butt. FML
Today, I got mugged. I almost felt sorry for him: he got a $15 cell phone, a frozen debit card, a credit card with only $50 of credit left on it, and no cash. FML
Today, I realized my mixtape was truly fire when I accidentally ran it through the washer and dryer. FML
He protecc
Today, I saw our boss, visiting from the USA, press the button on the coffee machine, probably thinking a cup will drop automatically. I grab a cup in the cupboard and put it under the now pouring coffee. Next thing I knew, I'm lying on the floor, my boss's bodyguard on top of me. FML
Hard work
Today, my boss told me to find the bad smell coming from the apartment we were working on. I found the bathtub about 4 inches high full of piss, and spent the next hour bailing it out into a bucket because the drain wasn't connected yet. I have pee stains in all the wrong places. FML
Today, I sent a text to my volleyball group chat congratulating everyone who made the school team, which I hadn't. Someone removed me from the conversation. FML
washcaps tells us more.
washcaps 11
Hey everyone, OP here. (: First off, I would like to thank you guys for your nice comments, they made things better! And since I didn't have much room to explain, the group chat was consisted of the girls in the coed league we all played together in the winter, thus creating the chat. We all attend the same school and are all upcoming sophomores that tried out for JV. The competition was very hard. In the end the coach toke 6 sophomores, (all that played in same coed team) and 8 juniors. There were 9 of us in that didn't make it, also all 9 were in the chat. After I realized I was removed I was a little saddened and didn't quite understand why because it wasn't anything too much. A friend of mine that also didn't make it informed me that after I had been removed, she congratulated them too, and she had also been removed. So basically it's came into realization they aren't worth it and I'm more likely to try another sport but if I can't decide on one I might just practice more. Sorry it's long, and thank you if you read!
Today, I set my beer on the windowsill while I made space for it on the table. Suddenly, the wind knocked the window open. Into my beer. Into a box of expensive electronics. It was the last beer. FML
Today, I was sitting on the floor petting my cat. Something that felt like a rock was jabbing into my leg so I reached down to remove it. It was an ancient, rock-hard piece of dung. FML
sw2f2fchik612 tells us more.
This is my FML. And yay, I finally got one published! Anyway, yes it was inside on the floor and yes, it was freakin' gross haha. I had just come home after being away for several weeks for those saying I haven't been cleaning lol. I didn't see it because it blended in with the color of the rug. It actually hurt when I sat down on it. I can only assume one of the dogs snuck it from the litter box as they tend to do.
Today, I walked into a wall, smashing my laptop into the top of my eye socket. This was all because I was carrying my laptop, phone and chocolate mug cake, all while trying to watch Netflix on said laptop. I feel like a 2016 cliché. FML
Today, it's my birthday. I share it with a guy I've been seeing for over six months. I showed up with a handmade pie and a gift bag. His ex-girlfriend accepted it for him, as he was busy. FML
lostmykeys tells us more.
Follow up - He was back together with her and neglected to tell me. He was having a dinner date with her when I arrived, so I kind of handed over the gifts and walked away. and cornyrob - Super funny you'd mention the wedding singer. That's his favourite rom-com. Although in this situation, my adam sandler was most definitely aware his Linda was around. It really kills me that this made it onto the FMLs.
Giving
Today, I woke up after a long night of taking care of my drunken husband. I guess I should feel lucky I don't have a generic, "He wet the bed in his sleep" story, and instead have a unique, "He got out of bed and peed on me" story. FML
Today, my 15-year-old son was waiting in the car for me after driving around to build up hours for his permit. He then decided it was a good idea to quickly drive over to catch a Pokemon nearby. He didn't count on getting pulled over for texting and driving while underage without an adult though. FML
Fake it til you make it
Today, I went out to dinner with my mom and several of her friends. My mom spent the entire night gushing about my Ivy League school and med student boyfriend. I attend a state university and I'm single. She threatened to cut me off if I didn't play along. FML
Today, even though I'm overweight, I was feeling alright about the way I looked in the historical costume I'm required to wear by my job. A little kid came in and asked me if I was having a baby. Guess I don't look as good as I thought. FML
Today, my car broke down in the middle of nowhere. I walked about 3 miles to the nearest house to call a tow truck. When I got back to where I left my car, it was gone. FML
Trauma
Today, my untrained legs have been traumatised by the sudden regime of squats, mountain climbers and lunges I have been putting them through. I literally just have to trust-fall back onto the toilet and hope for the best, because my legs don't have the strength to support the gradual descent. FML