Today, I was at my friend's place with a bunch of people. I saw a pair of panties in his laundry basket, so of course I yelled, "DUDE! YOU GOT LAID!" Turns out he didn't get laid, he was 'experimenting'. He was so mortified, he burst out crying and threw us all out. FML
Today, I got fired from my job for having a resting bitch face when I get frustrated or when I'm concentrating on my work. According to them, I have to work on my "anger issues." FML
Today, I got so ecstatic about getting approved for a credit card that I made myself sick. I guess my first ever purchase will be TUMS and some Ginger Ale. FML
Today, I tore my calf muscle while skipping and singing Yellow Brick Road. I'm off my foot for 4-6 weeks and don't even have a cool story. FML
Today, I ran a stop sign that was completely obscured by foliage, in a city I was unfamiliar with. A city bus then T-boned me. My car is now totalled, and I’m afraid this will now go to court. FML
Today, I've not had any contact with my mother for years, and when tornadoes came through our hometown and wiped out most of our downtown area, she didn't contact me at all. I finally contacted her myself. Her reason for not contacting me? She had "watched the news" and "knew I was OK." FML
Today, I got a new washer and dryer set. It's sad when all you have to do at night is make popcorn and watch the clothes washing. I even invited friends over. FML
Today, I was involved in an intense argument with my dad. Just as I yelled, "You haven't done one thing for me", my phone rang. The same phone that, as of today, my dad no longer pays the bill for. FML
Today, four years after my husband passed away, my mother in law thought it was the right time to tell me my husband was cheating on me, and that they had met her and everything. FML
Today, the guy I like happened to be munching on biscuits while he was talking to me. The biscuit crumbs were literally falling out of his mouth like a waterfall as he was speaking and munching. The crumbs were landing in my hair. FML
Today, I didn't want to hang out with my girlfriend so I could binge watch Pawn Stars instead. When she asked me why not, I lied not very convincingly and said my mom was sick and needed my help. She now thinks I'm cheating on her. FML
Today, I started playing footsie with the girl I like next to me in Biology. Turns out it was the table leg. FML
Today, I was at a restaurant waiting for a table. Some lady walked by, smelling like BO and patchouli oil. I attempted to cover my nose with my sweatshirt, but I thumped a small girl in the process. FML
Today, I paid $800.00 towards my student loans. That was the minimum payment. FML
Today, I got up from bed after a good night's sleep, and walked outside. The first thing I saw was my 60-ish year-old neighbor bent over, picking up a newspaper. He was wearing nothing but a way too short bathrobe and a pair of rubber boots. FML
Today, I used a self-tanning towelette to help even out my tan lines and disguise my vitiligo a bit. Now my stomach is orange and my spots are even more noticeable. FML
Today, I'm on a diet. I was compelled to start it when the only pet name my boyfriend could think of for me yesterday was, "My baby elephant." FML
Today, I finally let my parents meet a boyfriend of mine for the first time ever. My dad mentioned how he was happy to finally meet him, because for the past 4 years he'd thought I was gay. FML
Today, I was at the airport walking around, killing time. There was a man about twenty years older than me who kept on eyeballing me, and it really wasn't flattering. I get on the plane and guess who I get to sit next to. FML
Today, I managed to cut myself twice with a Swiss army knife. Stabbed in one hand and sliced a finger on the other. Good to know it's super sharp. FML
Today, same-sex marriage is finally legal in my country. However, it's taken so long since I got engaged that our perfect wedding venue has gone out of business, and everywhere else is at least three times the price. FML
Today, my ex, who I'm still love with, told me he's engaged. We weren't together for long because he didn't want a committed relationship. Guess it was just me. FML
Today, I was supposed to be going to Edinburgh to see my favourite band live. I was expecting to be picked up at 8 a.m. for the drive there, but I woke up to a text saying my friend bought tickets for the wrong city. The show he paid was for 2 days ago. FML
Today, my girlfriend decided that the best place to break up with me was during a movie about two couples breaking up. FML
Today, I found a piece of a popcorn kernel stuck in my teeth. I haven't eaten popcorn in over a week and a half. FML
Today, I replaced my bedsheets with new, clean ones. I went to the bathroom to wash up, and when I came back, my cat had peed exactly where my head would be. FML
Today, an Air Force recruiter called me. I've been wanting to join the Air Force for 5 years now. After chatting on the phone with him for 10 minutes, I mentioned to him that I had asthma. He quickly told me I can't join any of the military branches, and to have a good day. FML
Today, while washing dishes for my friend, I managed to break an unbreakable glass and slice my hand open on it. FML
Today, as I was reviewing my EMS textbook, I decided I would practice taking my own pulse. I started with finding my femoral artery with no success. My mom walked in on me while I had my hand almost up my crotch, muttering to myself, "Why don't I have one?" FML
Today, I noticed that the glasses I got this week seemed off balance. A further inspection showed that one of my ears is bigger than the other. Through even further inspection, my family concluded that the entire right side of my body is higher than my left. FML
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